January 30, 2012 – The Waiting Game

I find it slightly entertaining that when we first began this journey I referred to this week as “The Sweet Week” because it was the one week with no tests, no schedule, just us and a room full of hope.  Looking at this week during our 7^th month of trying, it looks a bit different.  Now this week is full of fear, dread, and a feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.  I know that is irrational, after all, I am either pregnant or I’m not.  Yet I find myself afraid to be hopeful.  I know Doc is feeling hopeful this month and that too scares me.  It feels like I am going to let people down by not being pregnant.  Even worse, I will let myself down by not being pregnant.  Not to mention that people want to make plans for the next month and I still don’t know if I will be off of this crazy fertility schedule.  I can’t travel or do anything if we are still stuck in this loop.  It may be that I will be stuck in this loop for the next 4 months, but people are understandably ready for life to go on.  I’m ready for life to go on, but I can’t seem to get pregnant!  These are not exactly relaxing thoughts! 

Needless to say, I am feeling a great deal of stress today and that is exactly the opposite of what my doctor told me to be doing.  So now the question becomes how will I manage this stress?  First off, I am writing it down because writing it down gives me the opportunity to let go of it.  For some reason putting it out on paper helps free my mind from the worry.  Next, I think I am going to run some errands.  Maybe even do a little window shopping.  Squeezing in a workout will also help me relax.  Finally, my go-to relaxation… I will phone a friend, talk about ridiculous stuff, laugh a lot, and even figure out a way to laugh at myself and my silly worries.  Regardless, I am not making long term plans today.  I am not taking stressful phone calls.  I am not worrying about what day of my cycle it is (day 24 for those keeping track).  Finally, I will say a little prayer (as I have every day) that I will make it to day 35 this time.