December 26th, 2013 – Stress and Bed Rest

    So far the pregnancy has really gone very smoothly; considering it is still a “high risk” pregnancy it really hasn’t been bad.  The few hiccups are these: insomnia, continued vomiting, contractions when I over-do, and most recently swelling.  Twice during this pregnancy I have been ordered onto bed rest for a least a few days, and twice I have strongly disliked bed rest.  I recently learned the main goal of bed rest is apparently to keep a mother-to-be from experiencing additional stress.  When I first heard about bed rest I assumed that moving around was the issue, but I was wrong, apparently it is the emotional stress that is dangerous.  Stress increases blood pressure which causes all kinds of crazy chain reactions when pregnant.  I honestly had no idea.  I know my doctor is always making a big deal about stress, but I always kind of thought he was kidding.  After a crazy couple of months I now know he wasn’t. 

    Here is how stress became a problem in my life… Starting in October we begin attending recruiting dinners for the hospital.  We have done this every year of Doc’s residency.  It helps the residency recruit students who are interested in continuing their education in pediatrics.  We travel about 3-4 hours so that we can discuss our program with students from the medical schools in the area.  Then once the applications for residency are in we begin hosting recruiting dinners at local restaurants.  In past years we have done as many as 3 a week, thankfully we slowed it way down this year.  It adds stress every year, but eating, smiling, and chatting my way through dinners where I am seriously wondering if I am going to barf can be a little stressful.  Not to mention the number of extremely nice dinners I did throw up.  Not exactly something to look forward to.  I continued to do them because it is important for our residency program to be well represented, and it is important for Doc, as chief and future faculty, to meet the residents.

    The second thing that starts during this time of year is prime fundraising season for the hospital.  Our hospital is a non-profit children’s hospital, which means in order to give excellent care we rely on donations from our community.  This time of year is when we are able to get the biggest donations, so the hospital throws party after party and fundraiser after fundraiser.  Doc and I have always thought it was important to be a part of this process as well.  People like to meet the doctors and learn about who they are as people.  It helps put a face to the hospital and reminds them it really is about helping kids, not lining our pockets.  Every year we work hard to make sure the hospital has generous donations so that it can continue to help kids for another year.  It is very important to us, and therefore worth the stress. 

    This time of year is generally overwhelmingly full with just our social engagements.  This year we added more to the pile for the holiday season, which added stressor number 3.  Starting in mid-October we had our first round (of many) visitors.  We are having the first grand baby for our biological parents and they are all anxious to be involved, which is wonderful but can also be a bit overwhelming.  After all, we have 8 parents (4 pairs) between the 2 of us, so they are a crowd unto themselves.  Visits are sweet, but they are also stressful because as a true Southern girl I feel the need to be a good hostess.  That means making plans, organizing activities, and making sure everyone is fed the best food possible.  This is made more difficult by the fact that our current home isn’t really set up for entertaining.  We don’t even have enough chairs for company!  We have lived bare bones for a very long time to pay for Doc’s education; our entertainment budget consists of a Netflix subscription.  It just isn’t possible for me to entertain the way I would like to, add to that pregnancy and I just find company overwhelming and stressful.  Regardless, from mid-October until Christmas we had a long string of company, social engagements, recruiting, and holiday celebrations.  My first day “off” on my calendar was December 22^nd.  Every other day from mid-October until December 22^nd was full of ‘to do lists’, company, and social engagements.  It is a crazy busy time and normally we don’t have company, but this year we had a lot of visitors.  It was incredibly stressful to have no free time, no days off, and to feel like I had to be ‘on’ for that much time. 

    The fourth stressful thing was probably the most difficult, but least controllable stressor.  Two days before my mom and step-dad came to visit for Thanksgiving she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Nothing compares to the despair of knowing your mom is sick in a way you can’t fix.  My mother, who I know loves me to the moon and back, called my husband with the news because she didn’t want to cause me stress while pregnant, but knew I would want to know.  Doc got off work and came home to tell me.  I spent a great deal of time in shock after the news.  I had known something was wrong, but was hoping that it was something much smaller and easier to fix.  Her ovaries appeared clear in a scan, but she had 3 other masses in her abdomen.  We had to wait on a biopsy to tell us for sure it was ovarian cancer.  It was devastating news.  I would say it came at the worst possible time, but I don’t think there is a good time to hear that news.  There is no good time to realize your parents are mortal.  Even more worrisome was the speed at which they were beginning treatment.  She delayed treatment so that she could still visit us for Thanksgiving, but they began immediately when she got back home.  I am thankful that she is in a place where she is getting the very best care.  She works for Baylor and they are taking excellent care of her.  She has started chemotherapy and we should know after the New Year whether or not they are going to be able to remove the tumors.  My mom is a fighter.  She has never walked away from a battle, no matter how hard, so I know she will make it through this too.  She taught me to be a fighter.  She taught me to get up and dust myself off and to just keep swimming.  The hardest part is that we are so far away and I can’t help.  My step-dad is taking good care of her though, and we talk daily.  We are just putting one foot in front of the other until we see what comes next. I do my best to put worry aside, because worry doesn’t help her and it doesn’t help my son.  She wants me to take the very best care of her grandson and that is where I try to spend my energy.  It is still difficult to know she is sick and to not be able to be near her to take care of her or comfort her.  Thirty-six years ago my mother was exactly as pregnant with me as I am with my son.  I am due exactly 36 years after the day I was born.  It is hard to imagine her as being anything other than vibrant.  I have to acknowledge that I have no control over this situation and continue to do my best here and now.  That is difficult because my mom also taught me to be a doer.  I know we are both struggling with the sit around part of cancer treatments.  My husband likes to remind me frequently that my mother and I are very much alike.  J

    All of these things combined have made managing my stress over the last couple of months difficult to say the least.  I try to keep a regular routine for sleep, eating, and exercise but it has become difficult with all of the disruptions to our routine.  So two days before Christmas when I started having cramps I wasn’t really surprised and figured I just needed to rest.  Lately rest is all it takes to get the cramps to stop.  I just had 2 more days to get through (possibly 4 depending on whether or not we would be having visitors this weekend) and then I could rest.  On Christmas Eve the cramps got worse and began to include a mucus discharge that was clear/white.  I didn’t want to call the doctor because I wasn’t sure it was a big deal and was afraid it was.  My mom is who told me to call, and I did, because who argues with their mom when she has cancer (bet she is wishing she had gotten it when I was a teen).  I like to think I am an overly worried patient, but as usual I was less concerned than the doctor was.  Further proof that I did not attend medical school!  The on call doc ordered me to bed rest for at least a couple of days until the discharge stopped.  She told me that she felt comfortable with me managing it at home, but I had to promise to come in immediately if it got worse or included blood.  Apparently the discharge is a bigger deal than I realized.  The major perk of being married to a doctor in this system is that instead of getting admitted to the hospital I get to be treated at home.  Of course, my husband doesn’t always prefer that as I am far more likely to listen to other doctors/nurses than I am to him.  J

    I cried the moment she ordered me to rest because I was looking forward to going all out for our Christmas dinner and I had worked hard this year to make sure my husband and brother-in-law were going to have a really great Christmas and I felt like I had suddenly ruined it.  Of course the boys didn’t think I ruined anything and they just took over and helped out with getting things ready.  It was still fun, I just had to be sitting down for most of it. 

    I am still stuck on rest.  Just when I think it is safe to do something the cramps and discharge start up again.  I think part of the problem was that I had eaten so many salty and rich foods for the holidays that I was swollen to the point of discomfort.  So the first thing I did was get back to my regular fresh fruit and veggies snacks & healthy meals.  Doc is also helping out by keeping track of my blood pressure, doing chores, and just making sure I know it is okay to not over-do.  I am so lucky to have such a supportive husband; I know that is a real gift unto itself.  The final thing I am working on is saying no and setting boundaries to make sure that I am not over-doing or feeling too much stress.  That means we will probably not be having visitors for a while.  It also means I will probably be cutting back what I do for the residency, which is hard because I enjoy it, but I also really enjoy being pregnant and would like to remain pregnant until my April due date.  Some people will understand and some will be offended.  I can’t control how others react, all I can do is explain with sincerity the problem and consequences, their feelings are out of my control.  

November 25th, 2013 – A New Level

    We had our level 2 ultrasound this morning.  If you haven’t had one before it is just a detailed ultrasound of the baby’s body parts and internal organs.  The whole thing takes about an hour and is relatively easy to go through.  They started with a transvaginal image of my cervix and then the rest was done through my abdomen.

Bringing the foot to mouth

    Our little boy has gotten quite large since we last saw him and he was reclining lengthwise across my abdomen taking a nap with his little ankles crossed when we started (which is how I generally sit when reclining).  It looks like he is growing well, he appeared to have all his parts and be healthy.  The tech had a hard time getting a shot of his little rump while he napped, but he eventually woke up and mooned us repeatedly.  We of course laughed.  He also decided to nom on his toes while we were watching.  Watching our little guy flip and get comfy was just amazing.  It was over far too quickly.  We got a few cute pictures of him, including the toe noming pic.  J 

    They didn’t give us an official report today, so we only have to go on what Doc could see.  We clearly saw that he has all 4 ventricles of his heart functioning well.  His spine is growing well and appeared to be closed.  He had 2 arms, hands, legs, feet, and appropriately placed genitals.  He has long legs like me and Doc’s tulip nose.  He has 2 kidneys and they appear to be functioning.  We saw his tiny stomach, his lungs, his bladder, we saw him swallow and play with his tongue.  All organs appeared to have safely made the journey from the umbilical cord into the correct places in his little body.  His tummy is currently the same size or slightly bigger than his head, so he still has some growing to do.  I can’t really explain the feeling of finally watching our son moving, growing, and so healthy. 

    At the start of the exam the tech asked the general questions about number of pregnancies and live births.  After we explained 0 live births she became quiet.  I can’t imagine how stressful it is to be the person who sees such horrible news play out in front of them.  She was visibly tense until we saw his little heart pumping.  Doc and I talked, laughed and shared our story with her.  She laughed with us when he woke up and mooned us.  By the end I think she was having a good day.  He already knows how to make people smile. J

Munching toes

    We are so crazy in love with our son already.  He still loves the sound of Doc’s voice.  He is a daddy’s boy already!  When he woke up and Doc was talking he quickly flipped so that his head was closest to Daddy’s voice.  He has been entertaining us with the timing of his kicks.  On Saturday he kicked me so much during church that I had to run to the bathroom for fear he would make me pee myself.  Then while we were singing the final song he kicked me so hard it made my voice jump, which of course had us giggling like little kids.  We can’t wait to meet him and learn all about him.  We are already amazed and awed by our special little guy.  

November 09, 2013 – The Big & Small

    Not a lot has happened since my last post.  I have had 2 more healthy checkups with the OB.  I caught a cold and that resulted in some crazy side effects.  I ended up with reactionary arthritis in my right hand.  My ring finger knuckle suddenly became swollen and so painful I couldn’t move my hand.  I couldn’t make a fist and it would throb all night long.  My amazing doctor sprung into action to make sure I didn’t have an infection that was going to hurt our son.  It really was just a crazy reaction to a cold, but I appreciate that my doctor worked so hard to make sure it really wasn’t hurting the baby.  That is probably the scariest thing to have happened this month.  My knuckle is still slightly swollen and tender, but SO much better than it was.  Doc was in the middle of a crazy month and I am so thankful that my brother-in-law came to help out with chores and walking the dogs while my hand was non-functional.  I am also thankful that my doctor dealt with my crazy worry and just general insanity without hating me.  I have the very best doctors.

    I am still struggling with morning sickness.  It isn’t as severe as it was during the first trimester.  I usually get a few good days in before having a rough one and they seem to precede a growth spurt by our son, so they are tolerable.   I finally caved and took Zofram.  It helped a little with the woozy feeling, but I still barfed my brains out.  I tried it twice and it didn’t work.  My doctor said that happens for some people.  So apparently I should just get comfortable with throwing up.  At least I usually get a lot of notice before it happens.  I can usually tell fairly early in the day that we are going to end the day sick.  I just plan to be home on those nights.  I still haven’t gained any weight, but the doctor said it is fine as long as I am able to eat enough to maintain my weight.  Apparently there are a few perks to starting out a little heavy! J I did have to restrict some of my activities, which was really hard for me.  The one that is the hardest is that I had to give up some of my time with my sweet niece.  Since she was born last February I haven’t gone more than 2 weeks without spending some quality time with her, so it really feels weird to not spend as much time with her.  I still see her twice a week, but for shorter days and if one of us is sick I have to give up time with her.  We just have to be much more careful than we ever did before and that is hard for me.  I adore her and just love my time with her.  I just hope she doesn’t hit 25 pounds any time soon!  She doesn’t hold a grudge about the changes to our schedule and I still get excited greetings from her every time I see her.  I can’t wait to introduce her to our son.  It fills me with absolute joy to think of them growing together! 

    With the bad there does come the good though.  The good is that I was very lucky and began feeling our son move really early.  At 15 weeks I got to feel that magical feeling.  I hadn’t thought I would feel him until I was much closer to 20 weeks, but as I sat at the dentist’s office I was delighted with baby flips.  At first I thought it was just a case of nervous stomach or some other crazy pregnancy symptom, but after 3 runs to the bathroom with nothing happening I finally figured out that the sensation was moving up and down and not across my belly like gas would.  Then I had to laugh at myself for not figuring it out sooner and called Doc crying I was so delighted.  Since then our son has had a few active days and a few quiet ones.  Doc has spent nearly every day trying to feel him move too.  He has had a few instances where he thought maybe he felt something, but last night our son finally let Daddy know he was there by delivering a solid thud against his hand during some of his gymnastics.  We have found a few things that really get him excited and will cause him to boogie down.  The first is music, but not just any music!  Mostly classical that involves pianos and strings, although he also likes Frank Sinatra, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, and Elton John.  Last night we played The Beatles followed by Elton John to get him excited and it seems our son has a great since of timing already as he thumped Doc’s hand during Tiny Dancer.  J The second thing that gets him excited is the sound of his Daddy’s voice.  Already a Daddy’s boy!  Doc had a very intense month last month and was only off for 3 days the whole month.  Baby boy was so happy those days!  Finally, he likes the sound of Harrison Ford’s voice; which Doc and his brother simultaneously said was because he understood Han Solo was the man.  There are few things baby boy does not like.  I know this because he responds by snuggling down into my pelvis and kicking the crud out of my bladder until I stop doing whatever has upset him.  These things are; standing or walking for too long, not eating when he thinks I should, opera music, and flutes.  He is obviously opinionated already (like his momma!).  I am in for a heck of an adventure with this guy! 

    Despite the fatigue, continued sickness, and the need to limit my schedule and activities I love being pregnant.  All of those things are hard but they are all fleeting, and I know all too well how fleeting a pregnancy can be and am cherishing every minute of this one.  So far we are both healthy and that is such an amazing thing all by itself.  My OB visits have been spaced out to 4 weeks between visits, which means our boy is right on schedule and the doctor feels comfortable following a more normal visit schedule.  We have had some additional tests run to check for spinal deformities and we have a level 2 ultrasound scheduled later this month, but so far things are progressing perfectly.  Despite my lack of weight gain baby boy is obviously here in my well rounded belly.  I have no problem with the baby belly.  I have read all of these articles about body image issues in pregnancy and I just don’t have them.  I love the big belly.  I love looking pregnant.  It is a gift to be pregnant and I just don’t want to spend any time hating any part of it.  I am not a fan of all of it, but the changes to my body are the badges of motherhood.  Not everyone is so lucky to get to experience these changes.  I pray every day that this pregnancy continues to be healthy and that our son is healthy and happy. 

    My final comment is a PSA of sorts to those people in health fields.  Several times during this pregnancy I have been asked by health professionals (nurses, doctors, dental assistants) if this is my first pregnancy.  I always say no, because it isn’t, this is my third pregnancy.  If you ask this question follow up with, “how many live births have you had” because it is a horrible thing when the person I am speaking to automatically assumes that means I have 2 children.  Especially if they say something like, “you look fabulous to be pregnant with 2 little ones running around!”  Because then I get to inform them that I haven’t yet had a live birth.  I feel shame and like a failure every time this conversation takes place and it could be so easily rectified if people didn’t assume every pregnancy is successful.  Especially when they know I have undergone fertility treatments, which means I obviously haven’t had an easy time getting pregnant.  I realize I could just as easily claim this is my first and only pregnancy, but why should I have to lie?  I have been pregnant before.  Each pregnancy has been very different and his given me a different perspective to draw on.  I shouldn’t be made to feel shame for having had miscarriages and I shouldn’t have to hide the fact that they happen.  If more people talked about it maybe we would be better at supporting each other through it.  Just a little food for thought.  :-)

September 09, 2013 – Welcome to the Second Trimester!

    Today we are officially starting our second trimester.  At our last appointment we had blood drawn to check for chromosomal abnormalities for our baby.  This test is offered to women who will be 35 or older at the time of delivery, because increased maternal age is associated with an increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities.  This was my first time being offered the test, so I had a lot of questions.  My doctor explained it to me like this: There are placental cells from this baby in my blood.  Those cells can be extracted and examined for chromosomal abnormalities of the 21^st, 18^th, and 13^th chromosome.  For those science folks in the crowd; Down Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome, & Patau Syndrome.  The test also examines the sex chromosomes for abnormalities (Turner Syndrome, Klinefelter Syndrome, and Triple X and XYY Syndrome).  Our first trimester screen came back negative for abnormalities at all tested chromosomes.  This doesn’t mean we are 100% guaranteed that our baby doesn’t have chromosomal abnormalities at these chromosomes, it just means it is less likely.  This is a relief to us only because our last pregnancy had chromosomal abnormalities (69XXY). 

    So, why did we get the testing?  When it was first offered we thought about declining.  The outcome of the test wouldn’t change our minds about the pregnancy.  We had seen a heartbeat and knew baby was growing well, so we weren’t worried about another 69XXY baby.  Then I started thinking about how it might change the way I behave during the pregnancy.  Because if we were going to have a child with different needs I wanted to spend the rest of this pregnancy reading about which ever syndrome we were working with and learning how to give my child the greatest start in this world.  I have some knowledge about Down Syndrome from my work, but the others I know nothing about.  So, how would a positive result for Down Syndrome have changed the way this wife and her pediatrician husband reacted to this pregnancy?  It would change which parenting books I read.  I have always enjoyed working with kids who have Down Syndrome (DS).  They love music, singing, and moving their bodies in joyful ways.  They are amazing people and I often wonder if they aren’t closer to God’s image than we are.  Like that extra chromosome is what appears when an angel decides to be human for a bit. Doc loves days when he sees kids with DS.  They are always happy and ready for hugs. They often happily sit in his lap for the exams and even if they get shots he gets a hug before they leave, because they don’t hold grudges.  Usually if I catch him smiling to himself that night he will have a story of having had a fun day with a DS kid.  They are simply amazing children and people that we could learn so much from.  Any child with chromosomal abnormalities comes with a new set of worries for their parents.  They may have different medical needs and will certainly have different mental health needs.  However, these needs are all manageable.  Maybe we have a different perspective because we see so many things that seem unmanageable to us, but we weren’t really too worried about the outcome of this test.  In fact, when the nurse called I had forgotten all about it! 

    Our final bit of news from this test is that we found out the gender of our baby!  We are having a boy!!  This isn’t too much of a surprise because Doc’s family hasn’t had a girl in many generations.  Each generation has 2 boys.  Who knows if we will have 2 boys, but we are having at least 1! J

    As for the pregnancy symptoms entering the second trimester, things are going well.  The insomnia is getting better, thank goodness!  I am having fewer days of morning sickness and fewer nights throwing up.  Our son decided to move up off my bladder a little early and that helps a ton with getting enough sleep.  I still haven’t gained weight, but I think that will change soon.  I have 12 days before my next appointment and I am staying focused on how well this pregnancy is going.  J

September 29, 2013 – 12 weeks

We are excited to have made it to 12 weeks without major incident.  As we are finishing out the first trimester here is what has been going on:

Morning sickness: the only time I am not sick is in the morning.  Eating dinner after 6pm will result in throwing up.  Brushing my teeth does the same.  I have to brush, vomit, brush, and go to bed.  I have to try my best to get in enough calories early in the day that I don’t lose weight each day.  Some days are definitely better than others, and some are much worse.  One night it was so bad I burst blood vessels around my eyes.  It was a sexy look on my ultra-fair skin.  According to my OB it is going to get worse before it starts getting better.  He told me that on the very same day I burst blood vessels that night.  As long as I am able to maintain my weight it is okay for me to be sick.  The baby is fine and my being sick is awful and uncomfortable for me, but not at all hurting my baby.  I asked.  Three times.  I try to think of morning sickness as God’s way of reminding me I am pregnant until I can count kicks. 

Medications: No additional meds for morning sickness or any symptoms.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, has told me to take my Zofram.  I am uncomfortable taking anything during the first trimester.  I am a house wife; if I am sick it really isn’t a big deal.  If I need a nap I can take one and if I need to vomit I can hang out on my bathroom floor for as long as I want.  I don’t have a job that I must get to.  If I need to wake up at midnight to eat, I can do that too.  So why would I take a medication which adds unknown risk to my pregnancy?  Here is another thing I think my friends/family don’t understand; If I took Zofram to avoid morning sickness and then lost this baby I would be unable to live with myself even if it had nothing to do with the Zofram.  If I took anything to avoid a symptom that I could have lived safely with and lost this baby I would be unable to forgive myself.  That is a big deal.  Last night I was questioning my decision and asked Doc if he thought I was crazy and should just take the Zofram already.  He drops this bomb on me, which hardened my resolve; The OB said not to take it until you were safely into your second trimester.  Somehow I totally missed this conversation.  Doc looked at me like I was crazy for not remembering it, but I get all excited and nervous at the doctor’s office and they show me the baby and things are pretty much a wash after that.  So, the guy I pay to worry about safely delivering a healthy baby said not to take it and that being sick is safe.  I am going to just live with the morning sickness for a bit longer. 

Baby bump: I am already showing.  My body started moving fat all around the moment I was pregnant.  My belly sports most of it and my boobs the rest.  The baby bump is starting to get harder as baby stretches the muscles.  It is kind of amazing to see how major the changes are.  When I went for my massage last week my masseuse was worried that I had lost weight because I looked thinner everywhere (awesome thing to hear from someone who sees you naked).  I showed her my baby bump and explained it all moved around.  It means I couldn’t fit into normal pants for very long, but I bought some maternity pants and am not really sure why anyone wears anything else. 

Sleep: I have fun pregnancy insomnia.  I feel exhausted all the time, but just can’t sleep.  Sometimes a “nap” consists of me lying in bed for 2 hours so I can manage 30 minutes of sleep.  I wake up frequently at night, sometimes just to pee but sometimes just because.  I am usually up from 2:30-5:30.  It is rare that I sleep longer than 2 hours at a time, although I have managed a 4 hour nap on a few afternoons.

Exercise: I was cleared to return to my normal workout.  I am rarely up for our nightly 3 miles any more.  We go after 6 and that is when the symptoms are usually the worst.  I shoot for 3-4 times a week and cut myself a break if I can’t make it.  Doc and I have been trying to go for walks at other times just to make sure I get my exercise in.  When I do go I try to run part of it and walk what I can’t run.  As the baby grows the part I can run gets shorter.  I loved spending that time with my family and dogs and want it to continue to be a part of my life.  We have another 5k coming up next month, so hopefully we will continue to enjoy this family activity.  There is more talk about joining the YMCA as winter approaches and walking outside will become more dangerous. 

Stress:  The one thing my doctor came down hard on was doing anything that adds stress to my life.  Anything that makes sleeping or eating more difficult than it already is needs to be off the table.  I promised to work on that and have made some adjustments to my schedule to try and improve the amount of stress I have.  You would think being home I have very little stress, but trust me, no life is perfect and stress free.  I still have bills to worry about, a household to run, and the normal stress of family/friends.  Not to mention that I am on my 3^rd pregnancy with a history of them not going so well. 

Weight gain:  The part every woman dreads about being pregnant.  So far I haven’t gained any weight.  I think the morning sickness is part of that, but also I was overweight to begin with so I don’t need to gain a ton of weight with my pregnancy.  The OB said 15-25 pounds was going to be perfect and that not gaining weight in the first trimester wasn’t a concern.  If I haven’t gained weight by the next visit he said we would have to talk.  I am assuming the minute the morning sickness lifts I will begin putting on weight. 

Overall, things are going well.  We are still cautiously optimistic and just trying to spend each day living in the moment.  We have 3 more weeks before we see our OB again, which is kind of nice because it means he feels like things are going well.  J

September 23, 2013 – What a long strange trip it has been...

    Following our surgery we decided to really take a break from the fertility game.  I threw all of the testing stuff out, no more pregnancy or ovulation tests under the sink; Cold turkey detox off the fertility try-cycle.  We had been through enough and come out the other side with fewer answers than we thought we had all along.  It was so frustrating and exhausting to think about that we just decided to be done with it.  Once we got into the swing of not thinking about it things actually got a lot easier.  Our lives felt lighter and we realized we would be okay without children.  I spend 2 days a week with my sweet niece and I know that time is precious to her as well, so we know children will always be a part of our lives no matter what.  We decided to plan a big trip for next year to celebrate all of the wonderful things that have happened over the last 3 years.  One of the benefits of being child-free is that you can do pretty much whatever you want, right?  With new plans in place for our lives we were content and happy with our decision to take a break. 

     Of course towards the end of our second month we decided maybe we would think about trying again.  We still weren’t 100% convinced we really wanted back on the try-cycle though.  We were actually standing at Target, hand reaching for the ovulation kits, when we started to think about the schedule.  We decided we were going to wait a little longer before jumping back in.  Doc was going to be on an inpatient rotation and we just didn’t want to add the stress of the try-cycle back into our lives yet.  Besides we were still enjoying our new child-free fantasy.  So we decided we would wait until September to think about trying.  Well, you know the saying, “tell God your plans so he can have a good laugh”?  That pretty much sums up our lives. 

       It turns out that on that July day when we stood in Target debating whether or not we were really going to be getting back on the try-cycle we were already pregnant.  Yep, we got pregnant by accident.  I don’t think you can really call it an accident, because we were having unprotected sex, but after 2+ years of unprotected sex and not getting pregnant we really weren’t thinking pregnancy was an option.  Then early August hit and no period.  Doc instantly said I needed to take a test.  I waved him off and told him not to get his hopes up.  I finally caved, bought a test and took it.  Negative.  “See, you are silly.  I am not pregnant.”  A couple of days past and I can’t even remember what made me think maybe I should retake the test.  I bought 3 different brands and decided I would use my first morning void to test.  At 5:30 in the morning I had 3 positive pregnancy tests.  SURPRISE!!!

       I think it may be hard for people to understand the emotions that followed.  It can be described as joy, fear, excitement, disbelief, and a whole lot of trepidation.  If you have trouble understanding this, please take a look back at my blogs from April 2 years ago.  I nearly died the last time we miscarried and we have a greater than 60% chance of miscarrying again.  I don’t even get coin flip odds!  By 8am I was on the phone with my OB’s office and texting my normal doctor.  By 3:30 I was in for labs and scheduled for 3 more sets of labs over the next week.  Things moved incredibly fast and we all assumed crash positions.  I was schedule for my first ultrasound 17 days after my first phone call (6 weeks pregnant).  Normally you wait until closer to 12-13 weeks for the first ultrasound. 

        I didn’t make it to my first ultrasound.  The bleeding started after a run one night.  Every night we run or walk 3.1 miles as a family.  We take our 2 dogs and just go.  We came home that night and I was exhausted and had spotting.  Panic set in.  At 5 weeks they had me in for an ultrasound to see if I was miscarrying or had an ectopic pregnancy.  The sack was present in the uterus, but no baby visible just yet.  We were going to have to wait another week.  I continued to have spotting.  I was told to take it easy and was put on a 15lb weight restriction.  No running, no sex, and walking more than a couple of miles lead to increased bleeding.  On August 22 Doc and I went in for another ultrasound.  I had a panic attack getting ready.  I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do this again.  I was literally on the floor bawling and gasping for air.  For those of you who know me, that isn’t me.  It was essentially the same reaction I had when we found out we lost our last baby.  It was terrible.  At around 11:40 Doc and I saw our little Tadpole for the first time.  We also saw a heartbeat.  It was the most glorious and magnificent thing either of us had ever seen.  We had never seen a heartbeat before.  As glorious as it was, we still weren’t clear and our doctor advised us not to tell anyone.  We had kept it pretty quiet, just letting the people it affected know (I had to stop watching my niece and Doc needed to get off of work for the appointments). 

        We scheduled the next ultrasound for 9 weeks.  This time we had something looking a little more like a baby (at 6 weeks Tadpole looked like a gummy bear hugging my uterus).  As the tech pushed on my belly to get a good image we got to see Tadpole swat at her, another first for us, and again that amazing and wonderful heart beating strong.  Our doctor was decidedly more optimistic following this ultrasound.  The spotting seemed to finally be letting up and my weight restriction was moved to 25lbs for the duration of the pregnancy and I was released to continue my exercise within reason.  If I am tired I am supposed to stop, which is so contrary to having spent the summer pushing myself to go harder and faster.  Because I spend every day nauseated I was concerned about not gaining any weight and my doctor said it was okay.  Just to try not to lose weight (I had lost 11lbs running this summer).  We decided to still keep quiet which was getting more difficult because my body was undergoing some pretty obvious changes.  Apparently it remembers being pregnant and decided to sport the baby belly a little early this go around. 

      This morning we had our 11 week ultrasound.  I had been told when I tried to schedule the appointment that my doctor would be on vacation this week, so I had to schedule with a new doctor.  However, it turned out my doctor was there after all.  We got another look at our little Tadpole.  Tadpole has moved to face outward and is moving into the center of my belly, which is good.  We think we caught during nap time because there was no movement today, but the heart beat is still good and strong.  We were 20 minutes past our appointment time with the new doctor when I finally gave up and had to go to the restroom.  I pee every 30 minutes (wish I were exaggerating).  On the way back I saw my doctor and stopped to say hi.  He was surprised to see me and I explained why we weren’t scheduled with him today.  He totally snaked the appointment and saw us anyway.  ;-) Have I mentioned lately how much I love my doctors?  So we ended up seeing our favorite OB and hearing that things look perfect.  Tadpole is perfect, the pregnancy is progressing perfectly, and we are all starting to plan for an April delivery.  He wants my thyroid checked every month until I hit 20 weeks, but my normal doc has been on top of that, so we are good there.  They took blood today to check for a few abnormalities, but we aren’t worrying about the results too much at this point.  Doc and I are thrilled and terrified and just feeling like we have been on such a roller coaster ride over the past 3 months.  

    I also got my flu shot today.  The pharmacy student who gave it to me said I was the first person to ever ask for it.  Apparently most people try to avoid getting them.  If you are having a baby, know someone having a baby, or come in contact with babies please get your flu and pertussis vaccines.  It could save a child’s life.  

Words and Poppycock - August 8, 2013

As we have struggled with infertility I have noticed that people are really not very careful about what they say to couples struggling with infertility.  Words convey beliefs and attitudes that if the individual really stopped to examine, would probably not be what they chose to express to someone suffering such a terrible, personal, and constant loss.  I think I have mentioned before one of my favorites, “Children are such a blessing” which implies that the inability to have children is a curse (which implies the infertile couple is deserving of this horrendous punishment).  It seems to me that God allows all kinds of inappropriate parents into the world.  I know this because I used to spend my time helping to restore the mental health of the children they damaged.  God lets murders, child molesters, kidnappers, the unfaithful, the unsupportive, the abusive and all sorts of other monsters reproduce… But yeah, I am sure I have done something much worse and I deserve this curse.  I am glad you think so highly of me!

There are also those people that attempt to be ‘helpful’ with advice.  Things like, “we had a really hard time getting pregnant too.  It took us 2-6 months and here is what worked for us…” I just want to respond with over the top sympathy, “you poor dear!  2-6 whole months!?  You must have gone out of your mind trying to figure out what you did to deserve that horrible curse!”  Because as we roll into our 3^rd year of trying I don’t really have anything that I want to say about your horrible 2-6 months of trying with no drugs or medical interventions as you hold your perfect child.  If you haven’t really struggled with infertility say nothing or stick to a simple “I’m sorry you are struggling with that”.  I understand the desire to connect, but really your ‘help’ is like trying to tell an amputee how you understand their pain because you stubbed your toe once and it really hurt. Try giving them a hug, pat on the shoulder/back, or hold their hand.  And if you are not close enough to make these intimate gestures then why on Earth are you asking about their reproductive cycles?!

I can handle most of these situations when they come up and usually find a way to laugh about them, because humor can see me through just about anything.  The absolute worst though, comes from those people I have let in to share our struggle.  Those people that I thought understood the pain we have suffered and had been there with us.  When they speak up and reveal they too thought all along we must be doing something wrong (morally, physically, behaviorally) that we are not able to get pregnant or that maybe we just don’t want it badly enough, that is when my heart really takes a beating and I have a hard time finding my sense of humor.  I have had this happen to me a few times recently.  Several people have flat out asked if I really want to have children.  It feels like a slap in the face when I get asked that.  Apparently I haven’t grieved enough publicly.  Should I wear black every day until I get pregnant?  Should I weep openly every day and shame myself so that everyone can see the pain etched across my soul?  What exactly does wanting a child enough look like?  Once again I think about all the people in the world who didn't really want to get pregnant or have children, and yet they did.  These comments are really just another take on the “blessings” issue.  It implies that God knows my intentions are not strong enough and that is why children are being withheld from my life.  How exactly should I respond to questions like this?  So far I have managed to not burst into open tears at the utter sense of betrayal, but it gets more difficult each time I am asked.  Each time there is a dig about why I am not a mother.  People who don’t know our struggle will say things like, “that is why you don’t have children” as if it was a choice we made because, although we both work with children, we really hate children.  We dedicated our knowledge and our lives to helping improve the world for children, but we hate children.  It is absolute poppycock!  Thoughtless and empty words… which happen to be so incredibly painful. 

Back to my main point; words have a great deal of power and meaning and they convey our beliefs and attitudes.  It is impossible for any person to fully understand another person’s internal processes and motivations.  Even as a therapist, or spouse, or lover, or best friend, or parent.  The only experience you can ever really know is your own.  The only life and character you are able to clearly judge is your own.  You can’t ever know (even if you ask) what is really in another person’s heart and soul.  You can’t ever hear how many silent prayers they sent up just to make it through the day.  You don’t know how many times they excuse themselves so they can cry in the bathroom only to return to the table with a smile and a joke.  You don’t know how often they stomach your thoughtless and hurtful comments without replying.  But you can choose to be more thoughtful about what you say to people.  You can choose to fill your voice with love instead of jealousy, rage, or judgment.  You can acknowledge that you have been lucky and that means others have been unlucky.  You are not blessed, they are not cursed.  There are things in my life that make me feel incredibly lucky or fortunate and there are things that I know I worked hard to have.  I have a truly wonderful and supportive marriage with a man who gets my brand of crazy 100% and still manages to love me.  I was lucky to find him, but we worked hard to make sure our marriage was what we wanted it to be.  Notice how these statements don't demean my friends/family who have suffered the heartbreak of divorce?  They were unlucky or unfortunate and their hard work was put into an unlucky situation.  They are not cursed for having married the wrong person any more than I am blessed to have found the right person, I was just lucky.  I was fortunate to be able to go to school, but I earned the 3 degrees by hard work.  I have been very fortune that I could afford treatment for infertility, but I have been very unlucky in the outcome.  I realize that people are uncomfortable with the idea that they were lucky rather than blessed, I think this is because they are hoping to give God credit for their good fortune.  But again I ask you to be thoughtful with your words and intentions.  If you intend to give God credit you really don’t need to say something is a blessing.  You could still say it was luck, you just add “Thank God”.  “Thank God I was lucky enough to meet such an amazing man.” That way you thank God for his contribution to your life without demeaning anyone else’s struggle.  I doubt that your intent when you say you are “blessed” is to imply others are “cursed” but that is exactly what you are doing because the opposite of blessed is cursed.  Please be thoughtful with your words and when you find yourself saying something thoughtlessly, you will be amazed how far an apology goes.  "I am so sorry, that was a thoughtless statement.  I meant to say..."

July 09, 2013 – Check Up

After I wrote my last entry I contracted strep throat from Doc (one of the joys of being married to a pediatrician).  Doc had been working in the ER and saw a lot of strep throat last month and he had been sick, so it really wasn’t a big surprise.  With pain meds on board and sleeping only on my back I hadn’t really noticed the sore throat.  What I did notice, on the evening of my last post, was that I had a rash all over my stomach.  When I showed Doc he knew instantly what it was; a rash caused by strep.  Thankfully my doctor was able to call in a prescription for me so that I could start antibiotics Sunday morning.  I love my doctor.  I am extremely grateful that she was able to do that for me because by Sunday morning I started really feeling sick and by Monday I was miserable even after starting the antibiotics.  I can’t imagine if I had waited until Monday to see my doctor, which is what I would have done because I wasn’t sure it was serious enough for an ER visit and Doc was leaving for summer camp, so I was home alone.  After that I had to see my OB/GYN again because he wanted to make sure it wasn’t an allergic reaction to something in the operating room (it wasn’t).  It took an extra week to heal from the strep infection and it really took it out of me.  I am on my final day of antibiotics and the rash is finally starting to go away.  My stomach is mostly clear, but my arms still have it.  Doc thinks I may have also picked up a virus to go with it because I still have some sore throat and congestion, but the fever has been gone for several days now and I can go for a walk without feeling like I am about to pass out.  J

We saw the OB/GYN today for our post op follow up.  The incisions are healing well.  He made fun of me for always being the patient with weird stuff happening and we all laughed.  He asked where we wanted to go from here and we told him we are just going to not worry about it for a bit.  I am continuing to take the prenatal vitamins and all the other vitamins they asked me to while we were trying.  We will continue to have unprotected sex, but we just aren’t going to stress about cycles and counting or ovulation tests for a while.  My doctor thought that was the perfect plan, so we were all in agreement.  This was the best decision for us right now and we are happy with it.  The last 2 years haven’t been easy, they have actually been pretty stressful, and Doc and I are ready for a break.  We realized that we are able to enjoy our time together a lot more without this constant worry hanging over our heads.  J

June 29, 2013 – Post-Op

I am now 5 days post-op and doing well.  The surgery went very well.  In fact the doctor was unable to find any endometriosis!  We had pictures from my last laparoscopy so my doctor could see where the endometriosis was and then he printed us new pictures to show us it is nowhere to be found now!  I haven’t had a chance to talk to my doctor about this little miracle.  I was under the impression that once they found it you would always have it.  This is excellent news in the land of infertility where endometriosis can cause big problems.  However, this leaves us all a bit more stumped as to why we are having so much trouble getting pregnant!  I didn't get a chance to talk to my doctor post-op as he had to hurry back to see his clinic patients and I was very busy sleeping.  However, he did talk to Doc.  His basic assessment was that all things being equal we should be pregnant.  Doc’s sperm count and morphology are good.  I appear to be healthy.  We should be pregnant.  But we aren't.  So now what?

The doctor did say that stress (even the stress of trying to have a baby) can cause difficulty getting pregnant.  So once again I am being given the order to chill out.  He also pointed out that we aren’t exactly living the stress free life style with Doc in residency and all the scary things that have happened during our efforts to start a family.  Despite what the general population thinks doctors work long, hard hours, and they are not rewarded with a magic pot of gold for doing so.  I stay home because we live on a very tight budget not because we are rolling in dough.  So, the doctor ordered us to take a vacation, have some fun, and not worry about the baby making thing for a bit.  This sounds good in theory, but we haven’t had a real vacation in years.  Doc doesn’t exactly have loads of free time and we don’t have tons (or any) disposable income.  So, it will have to wait.  And honestly, Doc and I are enjoying the non-scheduled time we have together.  Ritualized, forced sex just isn’t as intimate as we would like it to be and we believe that sex should be an enjoyable activity in a marriage.  So for the time being we are taking a break from worrying, counting, stressing, micro-managing our fertility desires.  For the time being we are just going to enjoy each other.  We are blessed to be married to our best friend.  We are blessed to get to spend the time we do together and really enjoy each other’s company.  So, for the time being that is what we will focus on.  Maybe in a couple of months we will take it more seriously again, but for now we are good with a break. 

We are currently managing to get our regular baby fix by being an Auntie and Uncle to my dear friend’s baby girl.  She brings so much joy into our lives and we are so thankful to get to spend so much time with her.  She is at that age where she can express that she is excited to see us (although not in words) and we just love singing and playing with her.  She reminds us that our lives with always include children, because it is just a part of who we are. 

In other words, once again I find myself counting our blessings, which doesn’t leave me much time to mope about what we don’t have.  Do we still want children?  Absolutely!  But this is the life we have and we can choose to enjoy it for what it is or be miserable because of what it isn’t.  I choose to be happy for all the amazing blessings in our life and to let go of the things that are out of my control.  Life is short and God only gives us the one to live.  We should always focus on being grateful for the things we do have, instead of being sour about the things we don’t.  It takes the same amount of energy but has vastly different results.  J

June 23, 2013 – Pre-Op

I go in for my exploratory laparoscopy tomorrow.  I am surrounded by doctors who know that this procedure is so routine and easy that there is nothing to worry about.  But since I am going to be the one giving up my control and laying naked and unconscious on a table while a very talent and smart man roams around in my abdomen; I have decided it is okay to be nervous.  Because although I too know it is a routine and easy procedure, I also have the unfortunate knowledge that crazy and unexpected things can happen during routine procedures.  So, I am nervous and trying very hard to just not worry about it.  Distraction is a wonderful thing!  My sweet doctor noticed my nerves during our pre-op appointment while we were going over the ‘here are all the horrible things that could happen’ consent.  He stopped in the middle to say, “You know, if the hospital blows up we will both probably die.”  It made me laugh and remember that there are so many things out of my control that there really isn’t much sense in me worrying about the what-ifs.  I love my doctor. 

Thankfully Doc will be able to be there for the procedure.  Despite the hospital’s best attempts to get him to work instead; he has informed them that he will not be working and will be staying with me.  We scheduled the surgery for one of Doc’s rare days off.  He had Monday and Tuesday off for this week and we decided that Monday would be best so he could spend an extra day with me post-op (we don’t know what news we will have to think over and discuss).  My doctor scheduled me on his non-surgical day to accommodate Doc’s schedule, which means he is literally running over from his office during his lunch hour to perform surgery for me.  Then last week Doc gets an email informing him the schedule for intern orientation (welcoming the new docs to residency) has been moved from Wednesday to Monday.  Well, this year’s intern class will just have to wait to be greeted by this year’s chief resident, because I called dib’s and I was here first!  I did let Doc know I was okay with him going to work before or after the surgery if he really needed to, but he just told them he needed to be home.  I am really glad he will be home with me, because I always feel better when he is around! 

I have spent this weekend preparing to be unavailable this week; cleaning and cooking and making sure all the bills are paid.  The nurse said post-op I will not be allowed to pick up anything over 10 pounds for a least a few days, possibly longer depending on what they find.  That means I had to give up my 2 days watching my dear friend’s baby this week L.  The baby that was born in February has become my sweet companion a couple of times a week while her parents work.  She is a joy to have, even on her worst days, and always brings a smile to my face.  So having to give up those days is a very sad thing for me.  But I am sure I will still see her this week as her mother and I rarely go very long without spending some time together.  We will be back to our regular schedule after this week.  J I am still not quite sure what I will do with myself having a few days “off” with orders to be chill and recover.  For a “stay at home” spouse I am rarely home and my schedule is rarely empty, so I may go a little nuts with even a few days of nothing.  

June 3rd, 2013 - New Horizons

Doc and I have had a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make.  We took some time to make sure that we gave the decisions the time and energy that they deserve.  We still haven’t come up with all the answers.  It is amazing how much energy trying has taken and how much better we both feel being away from that cycle.  That being said, we still know we would like to have a family. 

The first decision we made was that we will not be going back to the fertility clinic we had been using.  We both hate them.  The doctor had no bedside manner, something I find to be incredibly important in a doctor.  Basically he was a douche bag.  He never examined me, never attended any procedures to make sure things were done properly and didn’t order any follow up blood work or examinations to ensure the meds were working without doing harm.  I am not even sure he ever really read my chart.  He was not a good doctor, I don’t care how close to the top of his class he graduated he sucked.  By the way we know a lot of doctors who were top of their class; they all suffer from the same lack of social skills/douche baggery.  Then there were the nurses.  I am pretty sure that I could charge at least one of them with rape.  Not something I would joke about.  She was a rapist nurse.  She did awesome things like removed a speculum without collapsing it, and of course it was the biggest speculum she could find!  She also repeatedly injured my cervix which caused some serious pain and spotting that would last a day or more.  When the procedure is done well on me there is no spotting and no pain.  I have a perfectly centered cervix that is soft and malleable.  People could teach on my cervix and yet every time I had her it was torture.   Regardless, they won’t be making any more money off of us and I won’t have to be tortured by them anymore.  Yay!!!  And no, I wouldn’t recommend them. 

As excited as I was about this decision it did leave us with another dilemma; where will we go if we don’t go there?  The answer wasn’t as simple.  My OB/GYN was stumped on this one too.  The best doctor he knew for infertility had retired and it has left us with a hole that the above jerks have happily filled.  So, I hit the web looking for the best clinics in the country.  Then within a 24 hour period I had 2 different friends, who have never met, recommend a clinic in Colorado to me.  The recommendation came attached to success stories for doctors at our hospital that had used them!  So of course I checked them out.  They have the highest success rates in the country!  You can check out success rates at http://www.sart.org/find_frm.html  all fertility clinics are required to submit them.  Their success rate is nearly double that of the clinic we had been to.  The only problem is the price tag for treatment is nearly double what we were paying and requires us to be able to travel to them a few days a month.  Obviously, we can’t afford that and Doc has almost no say in his schedule to plan for last minute trips.  So, we will have to put that idea on hold.  Regardless, we will not be going back to the clinic here.  They were awful! 

In the meantime we decided to go ahead with an exploratory laparoscopy.  Basically, we are going to let my OB/GYN go roaming around my lower abdomen to see if everything looks healthy.  I had one when I was 20 and had some endometriosis burned off, but apparently times have changed.  My doctor will remove any endometriosis that he finds rather than burn it.  I am hopeful that the surgery might give us some answers, but I am also terrified that I won’t like those answers.  I am having the procedure done at the end of the month.  My doctor scheduled me over his noon hour which was very sweet of him.  He fit me in on his non surgery day so that Doc could be there.  He really understands our position.  I really appreciate him doing so much for us.  When I called to talk over our options with him he was very understanding of why we didn’t like the fertility clinic we were going to.  He also said he would be willing to manage our care should we decide to use a clinic that was out of state.  I love my doctors here.  My dream is that together we all figure out what is going on and Doc and I are able to get pregnant without further intervention.  Maybe the surgery will give us that, maybe it will steer us in a new direction, maybe it will just leave us all scratching our heads even more.  The truth is the only way to know for sure is to go through with it.  So, I scheduled my dreaded surgery on one of Doc’s rare days off.  Wish us luck!

April 20, 2013 – Dollars and Sense

I know it has been a while since I last updated everyone and I am sorry for that.  Doc and I have had a lot to think about, talk about, and process.  We completed our 4^th cycle and were unsuccessful again.  We met with the fertility doctor and he laid out our options for us.  He explained that the 5^th and 6^th IUI cycles are generally used to collect data to make for more successful IVF.  They don’t expect us to be successful during our 5^th or 6^th IUI.  They really just hope to stimulate my ovaries enough to produce eggs for cryo-storage. 

He laid out the options very clearly.  For the 5^th cycle they double my Femara, which we agreed to, and try another IUI.  Should that fail they suggest I have another endometriosis surgery to remove any adhesions, because according to him even one small speck of tissue in the wrong place can create an environment unsuitable for egg fertilization.  I’m not sure why he didn’t mention that before I did 4 sessions of IUI and spent thousands of dollars, but it is what it is.  For the 6^th session of IUI they want me to take injectable hormones.  Apparently they have maxed out my body’s ability to produce the hormones and they are just going to shoot me up with hormones to replace them.  The shots cost around a $1,000.  They also require much more intense monitoring which can cost up to $2,000 more.  That is $3,000 on top of the cost of the surgery to try another month of IUI.  Obviously we can’t afford that. 

He really kept pointing us to the fact that we are most likely going to need to do IVF if we wish to have a family.  A single round of IVF is around $12,500 here.  If we can’t afford the 6^th round of IUI we obviously can’t afford the IVF.  In short, we are done.  We cannot afford to continue on this journey.  It may be that in a few years we will be able to consider it, but for now it is an absolute no.  The doctor did say that he thought we would be able to consider IVF if we do it before I turn 37.  After that he said the quality of my eggs would be much too poor to produce viable candidates for implantation.  So we have 2 years to save the money.  That doesn’t feel like a very long time to save that much money, but we will give it our best shot. 

Obviously this has been a hard time for us.  Doc is encouraged that we have 2 years, I feel beaten down from the efforts of the last 2 years.  However, we won’t let it take away the everyday joys we feel in our lives.  We have a lot of wonderful things to be thankful for and we won’t waste our time being depressed about something we cannot change.  So, here is to the next 2 years.  We are looking forward to what is in store for us, even if it isn’t exactly what we wanted. 

**Before my inbox gets flooded by well-meaning but still insulting comments about adoption and all the unloved and unwanted children we could be taking care of, let me just address this point here.  Adoption isn’t free.  Even if you find someone who wants to give you a baby you still have to pay the state and court fees.   You still have to pay for contracts to be drawn up and to make sure your adoption is legal.  The cheap side of adoption is about $34,000.  We personally know someone who had 4 adoptions fall through before they were able to get a child.  They paid all the fees 4 times ($136,000) before they had a child in their arms and even then they had to fear the child would be taken away for almost 2 years before the process was completed.  It isn’t cheap and it isn’t easy and we simply aren’t there yet.  We are open to adopting children when our finances permit it, however we would first like the opportunity to have children if possible.  It is a personal and painful decision and I ask that you respect that this is our decision to make. 

March 11, 2013 – Let it Be

I am sorry for the long delay between posts.  The reality is we are stuck in the IUI loop and nothing really new has happened for me to talk about.  It is also March, which in our world means Match and with Doc being chief next year we actually have a lot to do to welcome the new doctors to our program.  My dear friend who delivered the most gorgeous baby girl in February has also been so generous to me and allowed me to be very involved in their lives.  God bless her for that.  I am thankful for all of these things because they keep me too busy to wallow.  Besides, it is impossible for me to feel sorry for myself when I am holding a beautiful baby and she is snuggling into me.  J

As we move further along in the IUI loop Doc and I have had to face the reality that children may not be a possibility for us.  After 4 sessions (April) we will meet back with our doctor to discuss what our next course of action should be.  He had told us that two thirds of all patients are pregnant by 4 sessions.  We are in the middle of 3, so we may very well be in that other third.  That is not an easy thought to grasp.  I don’t really know what the future holds for us starting a family.  So I have decided to just let it be.  I am taking the pause button off of my life.  I will complete the final cycle of IUI but I am not going to spend every day counting down the days and I am not going to spend every moment being careful.  Instead I am taking my life back, enjoying the beautiful and wonderful things all around me and just letting go of the worry.  I will write when something new happens, but it may be the end of April before we hear anything new. 

 

Until then, I will leave you all with the immortal words of John Lennon & Paul McCartney, “There will be an answer. Let it be.”

February 20, 2013 – Another No

We are not pregnant again this month.  I want off this unmerry-go-round.  I seriously am starting to feel like my life is set on repeat.  Take pills, manage side effects, feel old and exhausted, have sex, get IUI, have sex, sore breasts, nauseated, crazy dreams, negative test, period, broken heart, rinse and repeat.  There are 4 more months of this before we can move on.  I didn’t think I would make it through 6 months of Clomid, but I did.  So I am assuming I will get through this too.  Just keep swimming.  The count down to my 35^th birthday and my impending infertility is also on.  The odds are just not in our favor.  I should probably accept that, but I am just too stubborn. 

So, instead I am trying to focus on the positives.  Here is what I came up this morning when I was done crying because I got my period:

1. Femara induced a good ovulation.  More eggs = better chances
2. Femara kept me much closer to my regular cycle.

That was all I could come up with right now.  This morning I had 3, but I can’t remember the third.  I will keep working on it.  I still have many things to be grateful for, I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.  This self pity is not cool, so I will be making cupcakes for the residents, stopping by to see my dear friend and her cuter than cute little baby girl, signing up for volunteer hours at the hospital, and cleaning my fridge.  If I am still having a pity party after all of that then I guess I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and I will try again tomorrow. 

February 12, 2013 – Miracles

I had the most amazing day today.  At about 9:30 this morning my dear friend called and let me know she had been having contractions since about 3:30.  They were irregular and tolerable, but while on the phone I could tell they were getting more intense.  This is the same dear friend who has held my hand through uncomfortable procedures and has been there for both Doc and I as we faced the last 2 years.  When I found out her husband had gone into work that day and would be in surgery for the morning I asked her if I could come sit with her.  What followed was simply the most healing and amazing day of my life. 

By the time I got to her house she already had a call in to the doctor.  We were just sitting down to watch a movie when the doctor called and asked if we could make it into the office to get her checked.  We were fine with that as it put us in the hospital where the baby would be born and where her husband was working.  From that moment on I spent the day holding my dear friend’s hand and comforting her through her contractions, waiting excitedly with her for this new arrival.  It turns out that those 22 days of contractions last spring taught me a lot about being a woman in labor.  It was all that knowledge that I used to help support and comfort my friend.  To be able to take something that was so difficult for me and turn it into something so amazing and positive was the ultimate healing action for me. 

My friend had become pregnant 4 months after Doc and I had which means we found out her good news when we were still lost in our deepest grief.  In the moment that she shared her news with me I vowed to try and keep the two events separate in my mind so that I could be as happy for her as she deserved and be as excited about her baby as a friend should be.  There were times when it was hard.  Times when it felt like my grief would overwhelm me, but I refused to pull back or give up.  I could tend to my needs in private.  My dear friend deserved to have her friends be excited with her and support her.  I wanted to do everything for her that I would have liked done for me had we been expecting our first baby.  And during the last 9 months our friendship has grown in ways that I didn’t know were possible.  I don’t even really have the right words to describe it. 

After a day of intense bonding she delivered a healthy baby girl.  Doc and I were standing in the hall when we heard her first cry.  I was crying and praying, Doc was reviewing care of new born infants and trying to figure out where to get a gown just in case anything went wrong.  He took 2 steps towards the door looking very serious, but then the little girl gave out a good hearty cry and he retreated.  You can’t take the doctor out of the man, and I love him for caring so much about our friends and their new baby.  We gave the new family some time before we visited.   My friend was the most beautiful I have ever seen her, which is amazing considering how busy her day had been.  As we all gazed lovingly at this new addition my sweet friend looked up at me as if she had just remembered something very important and said, “When do we find out your next test or start your next cycle?”  I laughed and it took me a minute to even remember when we test next or will start a new cycle.  I gave her the update and then Doc asked to check the baby.  We all agreed to switch places in about a year or so and laughed about the amazing and miraculous day we had. 

Four times yesterday I had people ask me if I was okay.  I honestly didn’t understand the question.  I was doing great; I was much more worried about my friend and her baby than about anything going on in my life.  My joy for her had overwhelmed any and all remaining grief for myself.  I was grateful that I was able to provide her support and comfort.  That meant that I had to be grateful for how I obtained the knowledge to do so.  No, that doesn’t mean I am grateful for the miscarriage.  I am sure I could have just as easily had that knowledge from delivering a healthy baby in October, but maybe not.  Maybe I needed 22 days to make it stick so clearly in my mind so that I could have the most amazing bonding experience with my friend.  Maybe it took that to open me up to being so vulnerable with my friend.  Maybe it took that to make me comfortable and calm enough to make it okay for my friend to do the same.  I really don’t know.  All I know is I wouldn’t have traded yesterday for anything.  It was an amazing, wonderful, and miraculously healing day.  It was also a really cool way to welcome another girl into the world. J

Note: I am sorry for the vagueness of details, but I am trying to tell my side of the story without betraying my friend’s story.  That story is hers to tell. 

February 11, 2013 – Positive Change

We have made it to Day 21 on Femara.  For the most part it is a much easier drug to take than Clomid.  I had a few side effects, most notably joint pain which made me feel like I could barely use my hands.  This was very upsetting considering I use my hands all the time!  I couldn’t sew or clean because my hands hurt terribly to grip things for extended periods.  I would end up sitting with my hands very still to be pain free.  Even then I would get the occasional pain in my hands/wrists.  It was like aging 40 years over night.  Thankfully that side effect didn’t last the whole month like many of the Clomid side effects did.  Femara has a much shorter half-life, so there is relief from the side effects towards the end of each month.  With Clomid it just continued to build up in my system and then became ineffective. 

Clomid had also lengthened my cycles to 34 days.  That is a long time when you are used to 29 days.  On Femara I am back to my normal schedule.  That is really nice. 

Finally, we have to compare effectiveness.  Towards the end of my time on Clomid my progesterone levels were in the single digits.  I was getting maybe 1 egg each month, so it wasn’t really increasing my chances of having a good egg available for fertilization each month.  This is my first month on Femara and my progesterone was 23 today, so obviously Femara is working better for me than Clomid was.  Now we just have to keep our fingers crossed that our timing was good and a healthy sperm met a healthy egg and we are currently making a healthy baby.  We should know in about 9 days. 

February 05, 2013 – Positive Surge

I woke up this morning fully ready to go in for a Day 15 sonogram but was surprised to get a positive LH surge test this morning!  That means that on Femara my cycles more closely match my natural cycle.  YAY!!!  Maybe this means my body will get back into a more normal groove. 

The positive surge means I will have my IUI tomorrow morning.  Doc is working and, unfortunately, so is everyone else.  My dear friend who went last time offered to go again, but her baby is due to arrive this month and she needs to work 15 days or she would have to repeat a month of residency.  So, I am going to woman up and go all by myself.  I asked Doc to check and see if he could get off, but I am not expecting that to actually happen.  He isn’t happy about having to miss it again, but I understand he has to work.  He is on a rotation where he is the only pediatrician, so I know they really need him there.  I am going to try and focus my thoughts on how proud I am of him instead of thinking about being by myself.  I can do this.  It isn’t ideal, but that is okay.  In a couple of weeks it really won’t matter that I had to go to this appointment alone.  J

Keep your fingers crossed!  You know we will!

January 30, 2013 – Femara

So far Femara has been a lot better than Clomid.  The only real side effect I had was exhaustion.  I would take it at 10 and by 1 it was hard to talk my brain would be so shut down.  On the first day I laid down for a nap and Doc woke me up several hours later asking if I wanted dinner.  Not safe to drive on pill days, for sure. 

Femara is labeled as a drug to treat women with breast cancer (which is really sensitive to estrogen production).  Fertility treatments are an ‘off label’ use for it.  Lots of drugs have off label uses.  For example, Benadryl can also treat nausea. Regardless, we are hopeful that Femara will be more successful than the Clomid was.  We will know in aproximately 22 days.    

  

At the moment we are staying with the clinic here in town, but we have started to look for another place to do the IUI.  I am just not impressed with our current clinic.  This month when I called to ask for the Femara prescription the nurse argued with me that I was already on it and just needed to call the pharmacy for a refill.  I had a hard time convincing her that I have never taken Femara and didn’t have a prescription available for it.  I finally convinced her by asking her which pharmacy they sent the prescription to, for which she didn’t have an answer because they had never sent one in for me before.  I prefer my health care professionals competent or at least capable of reading a chart.  I also have to go back in for the Day 15 sonogram this month if I haven’t had my LH surge because it is a new drug.  I plan on not listening to the tech this time when she tries to convince me to get the IUI early.  Overall, I just feel angry when I have to deal with these people.  I don’t feel like they care and they are really in it for the money, which doesn’t make me feel good at all.  Unfortunately the other clinic is an hour and half away and out of network for our insurance, so it is really hard for me to switch.  Although we may do that if we aren’t pregnant in a couple of months. 

I really miss my regular doctors.  I always knew they were taking excellent care of me, but this experience has reminded me how special it is to find people you really trust to take care of you.  I don’t question their directives because I know they care about the outcome.  With this clinic I feel like I need to do my own research and manage my own care.  Very stressful!  Sadly, they are the only fertility specialists around here.  I know some amazing doctors, but this is just not their specialty.  Hopefully we will only have to work with them for a short time before we go back to the loving care of my amazing doctors.