September 22, 2012 – Day 7

Today is Day 7, also known as my last day of Clomid for this month.  It seems like time has been passing so quickly lately!  This is my fourth total dose of Clomid and my 2^nd dose since the miscarriage.   I am trying not to worry about the side effects or whether or not we get pregnant.  I am really focusing on trying to stay in the moment and just relax.   

A lot of the initial side effects are better this time around.  I have a nightly hormonal migraine that sets in just after sunset, but each day it seems to be getting better so I am hopeful that they will be gone soon.  The crying and emotional stuff is still here, but I am surrounded by people who love me and understand that if I don’t sound like myself it is probably just hormones.  I am thankful for their forgiveness when I am cranky and thankful for their laughter when I am crying.  Mostly, I am just thankful for such good friends. 

Doc is stuck on an inpatient rotation this month, which definitely interferes with our trying.  During the first two weeks of the month he was on nights, so he was gone all night and slept all day.  I saw him for only a brief moment when he was getting ready for work and when he first got home.  No quality time.  Then he switched to days and the schedule hasn’t gotten much better.  I see him for about an hour in the evenings.  Unfortunately the hospital is very full right now and that means Doc has to spend more time at work.  I understand that and am glad that his patients have him as a doctor, because I know he takes very good care of them all.  It does however make trying difficult.  Scheduled sex isn’t exactly romantic to begin with, but when you see each other for only an hour out of every day, romance seems like the least of our worries.  Really the problem is that I just miss Doc.  He is my best friend and I find his presence so comforting that being away from him is what makes the rest of this hard to handle.  We had extra time together yesterday and were able to spend a few hours together.  I can’t explain the difference it makes to just be near him. 

Thankfully this month is coming to an end and next month is going to be a much easier schedule.  This should help us with our trying because I will most likely ovulate in the beginning of October.  I am trying not to think about the pain that occurs around ovulation right now.  I just take deep breaths and center myself back in this moment.  Worrying about pain that I know is coming will only make it worse.  So for now I will focus on this beautiful day, take my dogs for a walk, go to the library, and have lunch with a friend.  And I will spend every minute looking forward to the moment when I see Doc tonight.  An hour is better than nothing at all!  J

September 17, 2012 - Negatives into Positives

We are not pregnant. 

Doc and I are doing fine.  We were of course disappointed, but we are just planning to keep going.  I start Clomid again tomorrow and we will follow our schedule for another month.  Our hope is for a healthy pregnancy and baby and for whatever reason, that wasn’t a possibility this month.  We are okay waiting if it means we improve our chances of having a healthy pregnancy and baby. 

September 12, 2012 – Day 26 and Counting

I haven’t had a ton of sleep over the last couple of weeks.  Doc has been working nights so between his absence and the general stress of our situation, sleep has become a rather elusive thing.  Forgive me if I ramble or seem disjointed. 

It is only the 26^th day of this try-cycle; we are done with the trying part and are onto the waiting part.  The cycle usually ends on or around Day 31, so we are still early in the waiting part of the cycle.  My pregnancy test this morning was negative, but again it really is too early to tell if that is true. 

After Doc came home this morning we had an appointment with the OB for an ovary check.  The nurse almost put us in the same room where I had my birthday fun (#7) when she remembered and moved us.  Kind of funny how they don’t put me in room 7 anymore, I am sure at some point I will have to go back there though.  My progesterone level for this month hasn’t inspired a lot of confidence and we are all preparing for another month of Clomid.  The doctor reminded us that it can take up to 6 months to get pregnant, so we should just take it easy (in other words: RELAX!!).  Both Doc and the OB were very casual about the continued trying.  I wanted to cry because it means more Clomid, more side effects, and more waiting.  All of which make me want to vomit. 

We did discuss the if/thens of how to handle upcoming events.  If we are not pregnant I am to call in and get a refill of my Clomid and repeat the cycle until pregnant.  Once pregnant I am to come in immediately for additional blood work and sonograms.  He said they will be watching me very closely.  Doc asked about whether or not we would need to see a specialist (Perinatologist) and it didn’t sound like my OB thought we would need to.  That is actually good news.  Doc was letting his anxiety show a bit with that question.  My OB also said that we can call with questions any time.  He said that he feels comfortable with that because he knows my chart, so if the office calls him with a question from me he will most likely be able to answer it easily.  That is comforting.  I know he sees a ton of patients and his off time is precious (as it is for all doctors) so we will try our best to save questions for office visits.  But if I get nervous, it is always nice to know I can call.  I guess that is the bonus for having such a rough year, the doctor memorized my chart!

On the way home Doc and I talked about how grateful we are to have such a great OB.  He is funny, kind, compassionate, and very obviously wants to see us get pregnant.  The nurse today commented that I must have a very good support system to have handled everything so well this year and when I said “I have an excellent support system” I realized that I was including my doctors and their nurses in that system.  I really feel lucky to have such amazing health care providers.  Our team can use all the help it can get! J

September 8, 2012 – Limbo

My progesterone check was yesterday and it came back as 25.  This is exactly halfway in between my previous 2 scores (pregnant and not pregnant), so we are stuck in limbo again.  We should know for sure by the end of next week. 

I am trying hard to keep myself calm and just go with the flow, and also trying to prepare myself for another month of Clomid.  That is a slightly depressing thought even outside of the desire to get pregnant, because the side effects are so hard. 

Doc has remained relatively aloof on the topic, so I know he is trying hard to keep his own anxieties and excitement in check.  Although he acknowledged how difficult the side effects were by offering me a month off if I needed it.  Also, while fixing up the guest room he refused to comment on it.  When I finally asked if he liked it he replied with, “I do, I think it looks great.  Do you think we are pregnant?”  So I know it is on his mind too.  He is also a lot more hopeful about our 25 than I am. 

The guest room is done.  We went through all of our old school notes and notebooks and threw out a ton of stuff.  We also sold 5 boxes of books last weekend.  It was hard letting go of so much from our past, but it was also nice to make a little room for our future. 

I will see my doctor Wednesday and let you guys know how that goes.  It is just an ovary check, but I also have to ask him how to handle the news of yes or no as he is going out of town the next day.  Having a plan in place for both alternatives will help me reduce my anxiety about everything.  Until then, one foot in front of the other! J