October 18, 2012 - Round and Round We Go

It is time to start another try-cycle.  I have decided that we will be successful this month.  I am not going to worry about it, because I have already made up my mind that it will happen.  Doc and I have solidified a plan for this month to help make it easier for me to relax.  Doc is managing the calendar for us.  I have several planned dates with friends including spa days, shopping, and lunches.  We have a few interview dinners planned, but those are really a lot of fun and not very stressful.  Doc and I will also be celebrating our 11^th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. 

This last try-cycle was very hard on us.  We had been expecting to welcome our first child into the world just before our anniversary.  Instead we are still at square one, stuck on repeat.  It has been hard for both of us, but we need to keep moving forward.  We are still thankful to have each other.  We are thankful for our amazing doctors who take excellent care of me and who work so well together.  That in itself is a blessing.  Not all doctors work well in a team setting, but both of mine do a great job of keeping each other in the loop and being respectful of each other in order to improve our outcome.  That is a huge blessing.  Doc and I are counting our blessings and moving forward with the full intention of this being our last try-cycle.  We are planning on success.  That is the only plan we need right now. 

October 10, 2012 - Update

I wanted to write a quick update because I realize that my last blog was fairly negative and I really don’t want people to worry about me.  My mood is improving daily, which is a good thing because I really don’t like feeling so negative.  I spoke with my amazing and wonderful doctor/friend and she let me know that there is no permanent damage from the miscarriage and that I healed beautifully.  Above all she reminded me that hope and stress can both play a part in getting pregnant (or not getting pregnant) and that I can always lean on my doctors for additional support when I am struggling.  I need to remember it is okay to let people know what is going on with me so that they can help when I need it.  I am once again reminded of how very fortunate I was to find my doctors and to have so many amazing friends. 

Doc and I discussed our plans for continuing.  This last month was very tough for both of us because I am rarely hopeless or depressed.  My mood is improving after speaking with my doctor though, so things are looking up.  I just need to relax and get myself into a more positive place.  We have decided to continue with Clomid for the next try-cycle.  Doctor’s orders to relax are being followed and Doc and I are working out a way for him to take a bigger part in the schedule and for me to let go of some of the stress. 

October 08, 2012 – Wherefore art thou progesterone?

My progesterone draw was this morning.  For those of you keeping track this was my 22^nd visit to the lab this year (although I have been stuck over 30 times).  The lab techs have to dig for a vein now; I have too much scar tissue blocking access to my veins and even when they get a vein it clamps down before they can complete the draw. 

We had to have it drawn on Day 23 this month because Day 21 fell on the weekend.  The news was not good.  My progesterone is 25.2, also known as not pregnant.  It is actually lower than it was last month.  I am waiting to speak to my doctor about it.  It isn’t encouraging.  I am starting to wonder if the miscarriage left too much damage for us to be able to conceive.  Regardless we aren’t getting pregnant and I really need to understand why.  I don’t like feeling hopeless.  It isn’t a part of my nature, and yet for this month that is precisely how I have felt.  I hate it.  I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I don’t get any answers explaining why we have to face this.  I hate that my feelings get hurt every time someone makes a thoughtless comment about getting pregnant easily or someone having too many children or what a gift children are or worse how lucky we are to not have them.  I just want to scream, “Fuck you!” and then I hate myself for thinking that.  I hate that when people share their happy news with us I have to struggle with the feelings of loss that it brings up for me.  In the 16 months that we have been trying we have known at least that many people that have gotten pregnant, had healthy pregnancies, and delivered (or will soon deliver) beautiful babies.  We have known 0 other people who have miscarried.  I feel like we have been banished to an island where we are being punished for unknown crimes.  L

October 01, 2012 – Ups and Downs

I stopped counting days this month.  I just follow the calendar and try not to think about the rest.  This cycle has been a tough one.  I am really struggling with whether or not I want to keep doing this to myself.  My body feels old and tired.  I am having a hard time being hopeful about success; really I am just in a bad place.  I refuse to allow feeling down to control me though.  I am still getting up and doing all of my regular activities: pay bills, grocery shopping, walk the dogs, lunch with friends, library trips… I am just not enjoying any of it a whole heck of a lot. 

I do know that we ovulated.  It was the left side this month, which is rough.  Although I think we may have also had a smaller ovulation on the right.  I certainly don’t need a test to tell me when we ovulate on Clomid, the pain makes it very clear.  My OB explained that with the increase in ovulation there is an increase in internal bleeding which is why my abdomen swells and is painful for several days following ovulation.  It isn’t something to look forward to that is for sure! 

Things are otherwise good.  This month kicks off the new recruiting season for the hospital.  We have our first dinner this week.  We will drive down to KC with the program coordinator to try and woo a few doctors into applying to our program.  At the end of med-school all the new doctors begin searching for the perfect residency program to complete their training.  They interview and rank programs, the programs rank them, and then the list of top matches is presented during Match.  It is kind of like an arranged marriage.  It is a nerve wrecking process for the new doctors.  I remember quite well what it was like to be in the Match.  I am glad that our new role in Match is a lot more fun.  We wine and dine new doctors and tell them all about our program.  Last year was our first year recruiting, and normally recruiting is left up to the first year residents, but Doc and I really enjoyed the process last year and are participating again this year.  We take a lot of pride in helping this program find the best new physicians to train.  This week’s dinner is just about encouraging people to look at our program and apply here.  After that we have dinners for all of the doctors that will interview here.  It is a busy but fun time to be a part of the residency program!  It also helps to distract us from this other stuff.