09/05/14 – Privacy

Unfortunately I am going to have to move this blog to a private forum.  This will be the last public post.  A friend’s children were threatened and I would rather not put us in the sights of some crazy jerk who thinks there is money to be made by harming my family.  People suck.  I wish that the world were not so full of people who seem willing to do anything but work for a living.  One final note.  All threats will be taken seriously and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.  We will not take them lightly.  

August 15, 2014 – Milestones

Time flies!  I have probably written 6 blogs in my head since my last entry, but I rarely have 2 free hands to type with these days.  Our son is almost 5 months old.  He is a joy to have and has already amazed us with all the things he is teaching us.  For example; all children are different.  This wasn’t really new information to us, but our son has really refined this knowledge for us.  People comment on everything from his strength to his drool (St. Bernard puppies drool less).  It doesn’t matter how well we know the people, or even if we know them.  Everyone has something to share about how we can be better parents.  I try to take it with a grain of salt because every child is different and every experience is different and I know they are just trying to give us strength as we face our daily challenges. 

One thing that drives me a little crazy is the current tendency for parents to compare milestones.  Milestones are used by pediatricians and psychologists and are a set of tasks that most children accomplish by a particular age.  They help identify problems early.  For example, if a child isn’t babbling by the time they are 4 months old it cues the doctor in that the child may need a hearing check or additional screening.  Milestones are really only an issue if your child fails to meet them.  However, it seems the hip new thing for parents to do is attempt to judge their child’s value or intelligence based on how quickly milestones are met.  This is a horrible use of the information.  Milestones are listed by the age that “most” children will meet them which means your child may meet them early or may meet them a little later than the charts suggest.  Delays can occur for many reasons: lack of opportunity to practice a task, slow myelination of nerves, or no motivation to practice a task. A milestone is really only useful information if a child misses it.   Some children will start off ticking off milestones quickly and then slow as they reach school age which is when their peers catch up to them.  Some children skip milestones for example some children don’t crawl; they roll or scoot and then decide they want to walk instead.

When parents put so much emphasis on achievement at such a young age it concerns me.  What does that say to the children?  What does it mean for a child’s self-worth as they age and their peers begin to catch up (which happens in most cases).  Parents seem obsessed with having the brightest child and are grasping at straws for proof.  The reality is that not every person has an above average IQ.  There are people who have average IQs and they do very well for themselves and achieve great academic success.  An individual with an average IQ, strong work ethic, and dedication to a goal can achieve more than an individual with a very high IQ and lacking the other two.  Yet parents focus on cheering the things that come easiest to their children and they are things most children will accomplish.  It makes no sense to me!  This sets children up for failure and disappointment.  So when parents ask me about our son’s milestones I cringe.  Not because he isn’t meeting them, but because I know they are already concerned their child isn’t good enough, that they aren’t exceeding expectations already.  It makes me very sad.

Knowing this, and the milestones, and knowing how IQ is actually measured how do I avoid comparing my child?  I don’t.  I am human and I compare my child in a lot of different ways, but I don’t use the milestones and how quickly or slowly he meets them.  Instead I think about how he is behaving and reacting in situations.  For example: my son makes friends everywhere we go.  I love that about him.  He will enter into stranger danger age soon and that ease may disappear, so I applaud it now with the knowledge that it may be short lived.  My son loves to read and sing.  Yay!  He may lose that as well, but my husband and I cherish education, so hopefully we continue to encourage him in that way.  When my son accomplishes a new task like rolling over I cheer.  I don’t check the calendar to see if he did it on time.  I try not to worry about milestones and IQ.  I know how to gage IQ for children, it was part of what I used to do, but I have no temptation to seek that knowledge about my son.  Instead I focus on whether or not he is doing his very best and when he does I cheer him.  He may excel in school or he may fail, those are things to worry about when they happen.  Right now my job is to just enjoy him and cheer for every accomplishment he has.  The world with test and judge him enough.  It is my job to prepare him to be able to hold his head high on the days when he doesn’t succeed.  It is my job to make sure he knows home is a safe place to fall after a bad day.  Home isn’t the very first place where he failed to meet expectations.  

July 6, 2014 – Finding a New Normal

We are 3.5 months into our journey as parents.  It has been exhausting, but also the most amazing and wonderful experience of my life.  I think Doc would say the same.  We are both completely in love with and amazed by our son.  He is constantly learning, surprising us, and making us laugh.  Right now he is trying to make the raspberry sound with his tongue because he thinks it is hilarious when his Daddy does it at him.  His version is him sticking his tongue out, spitting, while making a high pitched squeal.  It is awesome and I laugh every single time he does it.  The best part is that he babbles all the time and he believes it is normal to stick ones tongue out mid conversation.  This is probably a lot less fascinating to the rest of the world, but to us it is top notch entertainment. 

Regardless of what theories we had about parenting to start with, I can tell you things change when faced with a child.  Each child is a unique human being and they handle each situation differently.  Things that my niece loved, my son hates, and things that would set her off into a tail spin he doesn’t mind at all.  Everything from how they like to play and what games and songs they like is different.  It is an amazing adventure getting to know each child, but it requires some flexibility of mind, rules, and even theory because each child is so very different. 

We are doing like every other parent on the planet and muddling through, praying we aren’t doing anything that will require therapy to repair.  We both have a lot of training and education specifically for working with children, but when it is your child you sometimes end up at a loss.  Thankfully we have each other and aren’t afraid to ask other people how they managed!  And just like we have for the last 16 years we figure things out together, when one of us is exhausted and at their end of their rope the other is there to help out.  I feel like I am almost always the exhausted one.  That is probably at least in part to my continued breastfeeding.  Monkey still wakes up 3 times a night to feed.  The countdown to solids has begun.  I am ready for a good night’s sleep.  

Speaking of sleep… I am exhausted and headed to bed.  I just realized I hadn’t posted anything in a while.  Life is still good.  Doc and I are enjoying this time wrapped up in our little family and our little life.  I am sure we will eventually peek out at the outside world again, but for now it is all about keeping little man on schedule and finding a few moments to still enjoy each other.  As Monkey gets more involved in the outside world, so will we.  We are just enjoying this time as a family and getting to know our newest member.  J

May 27th, 2014 – 2 month checkup, time to vaccinate!

The time has come for our little Monkey to see his pediatrician for his 2 month checkup.  This checkup is difficult for new reasons.  It is time for Monkey to start his vaccinations.  You might be tempted to think that being married to a pediatrician I just unquestioningly go with what Doc says when it comes to the healthcare of our son.  You would be wrong though.  I ask a ton of questions.  I ask to read the research myself.  I question not only my husband but every pediatrician about the options available.  I am not an uninformed consumer going with the flow.  Anyone familiar with my Facebook feed can tell you I am an outspoken advocate for children’s health care.  It matters to me that I put current information out there for my friends that don’t have access to as many doctors to badger with their questions.  I even connect them with doctors and sources so that they can get the information first hand.  And in the end here is what I concluded was the best treatment option for our son; to be vaccinated on the currently recommended schedule. 

I am not excited about watching my son get 3 shots this week.  I will not love watching the nurse hold my 2 month old down and jab him 3 times while I listen to him scream out.  I will feel as if I utterly betrayed him when I allow this to happen.  But I have to own those feelings and get comfortable with them, because they are not in my son’s best interest.  Without those shots I am putting both his quality of life and actual life up for grabs to the nearest virus.  With each shot I reduce the chances that I will have to watch them stick needles in his back, watch them shove tubes down his throat to help him breath, watch him suffer needless torment because I was unable to manage my own anxiety about getting his shots.  For 5 minutes of anxiety and discomfort I could save my son’s life or the life of someone he comes in contact with. 

There is a lot of misinformation out there about vaccines being spread about by an anti-vaccine movement that has no author other than celebrities.  I haven’t read anything by a board certified physician that supports the anti-vaccine movement.  I have read many of their claims and when I spent the time to investigate further I found they had almost no merit and generally twisted facts to make vaccines sound more dangerous than they are.  Vaccines are incredibly well studied.  Every vaccine side effect must be reported by the witnessing physician, and then reported by the CDC to the public.  There is no conspiracy to keep side effects quiet.  If the risk were as great as these terrorists allege every doctor I know would have unvaccinated children, because they would be the front line for seeing the side effects.  Every physician I know vaccinates and does it on the standard schedule. 

One of the reasons I choose to vaccinate on the standard schedule is that it is the way vaccines are studied.  Children are vaccinated on a schedule that has been found to be most effective at reducing risk of both vaccination side effects and prevention of the diseases.  I don’t want to mess with vaccine efficacy.  There isn’t as much research available for the alternative schedules.  I know that the majority of pediatricians will say the alternative schedule is better than no vaccines, but I don’t have the research to back it up.  There has been no evidence to support the claim that vaccines can overwhelm the immune system of the child.  Healthy children shouldn’t have any difficulty with getting vaccines on the regular schedule. 

My other reasons for vaccinating on the recommended schedule are more practical.  First, I don’t want to have to keep track of the vaccines.  Parents who vaccinate on the alternative schedule are in charge of making sure their children are actually getting all of their vaccines.  It is ridiculous to expect that a doctor can remember 200 different vaccine schedules, so the burden falls to the parent.  I don’t want it.  Second, I want fewer visits to the doctor’s office.  I love our pediatrician, he is a good friend.  I love the office, my husband works there.  However, the pediatrician’s office is a great place to get sick.  The less time we spend there the better.  Not to mention that each visits disrupts our daily schedule.  I also want my son to have fewer negative associations with the pediatrician’s office.  The fewer painful visits the better.  Basic psychology at play there. 

Now I just have to mentally prepare myself for this visit as well as for the things that come after the visit.  I can expect my son to have his first fever this week.  Fever is a very common reaction to vaccinations and a recent study found that treating the post vaccine fever with Tylenol actually reduced the effectiveness of the vaccines, so I will have to just cope and hopefully teach my son how to cope in the process.  Fevers are so scary for parents.  I get that.  However, after years of listening to pediatricians I have come to have a slightly different view of fevers.  They are not dangerous.  I don’t know where we got this fear of fevers or these thoughts that they will bake your brain.  They won’t.  Even really high fevers are safe.  Febrile seizures are even safe, because they are not true seizures and do not cause the damage usually associated with seizures.  These things are terrifying to us as parents, but I am going to have to remind myself they are not dangerous.  And when I am unable to manage my fears I will rely on my pediatrician to remind me that fevers are actually a sign of a healthy immune system.  We are relying on that healthy immune response to help my son produce the antibodies necessary to have made these shots worth it. 

I realize that there are those individuals who are unable (for a variety of valid reasons) to be vaccinated.  Mostly we are talking about the very young, those who are already sick, and in extremely rare cases those who have an allergy to a particular vaccine component.  Individuals who are suffering from a serious illness, such as cancer, may be unable to get their vaccinations because their immune system is busy with a much bigger battle.  Chemotherapy drugs and drug treatments for organ transplants reduce the body’s natural immune system.  Because these individuals do not have the normal immune responses in place they are unable to fight off infections and produce the antibodies necessary to protect them.  We protect them with herd immunity, which is why getting our vaccines and getting Monkey vaccinated is so important. 

It is also important to understand that vaccinations are a preventative measure.  Once a child is sick it is too late to offer them the protection afforded us by vaccinations.  One of the saddest stories I have heard to date is that of an unvaccinated child who was in the hospital being treated for cancer.  The lack of protective antibodies combined with the treatments for cancer made the child susceptible to every disease and illness that walked into the hospital.  Unfortunately the child contracted several all at once and the suffering was intense and long lived.  I cannot imagine that the parents ever imagined that would be the consequence of their choice. 

May 03, 2014 – The Mommy Wars

    I have been coming across something more and more frequently and assume as I continue to write my blog it will only get worse, so I feel like it is time to address it: The Mommy Wars.  This is a war of women against women over how to raise children.  It is a battle that serves only to inflate egos and divide women (reducing the amount of support available).  It is the separation of moms into subcategories and pitting them against one another; breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diaper vs. disposable, schedulers vs. child directed care, stay-at-home vs. working mom, day care vs. personalized care, home schooled vs public vs. private.  At first glance it would seem that these subgroups would allow moms to find like-minded people from whom to gain support.   However, that isn’t where it ends.  It becomes a hot topic debate that divides moms against moms.  She isn’t a good mom because she does things differently than I do.  Why does this battle happen?  Simply put the ego. 

    The most well defended belief I have ever come across in women is that of “I am a good mother”.  This belief is so strongly defended that I have worked with moms who literally treated their children worse than I would treat a rabid dog and yet heard them repeat over and over again that they were a good mom.  Their proof?  They could list the dozens of ways that they hadn’t wronged their children by comparing themselves to other moms they knew of or their own mom, effectively elevating themselves by putting down another mother’s decision.  So yes, they sold their child into prostitution, but they also kept them fed and this makes them a better mom than the mom who refused to do anything and let her kids starve.  It is a completely distorted logic provided to defend her ego against the thought that she has harmed her child or done less than her best for her child.  Looking at it in this extreme example it seems easy to see how dysfunctional this defense mechanism is, yet we all use it to defend our egos in the very same way.  Of course when we use this defense mechanism it isn’t usually to this extreme, but we are using it for the same purpose.  We let mom guilt take over because we feel like we are letting our children down in some way, so we over compensate with the defense of the ways in which we are being a good mother.  We even take these nuggets of guilt and build them up in defense of our ego.  For example Doc and I have discussed allowing our son to attend daycare 2 days a week.  The main reason is so that I have some adult time away from our son.  The longer we sit with this idea though the more likely we are to start defending it as the “right” option.  Daycare will provide good socialization, exposure to germs, it will expose him to a new place with new rules… all of which defend my ego against the guilty thought of “I am a human being who needs time away from my son to focus on my selfish self.”  My initial reason for considering daycare was a valid and sufficient one for placing my son in daycare (still haven’t committed to this), however mom guilt tells me how selfish I am for not wanting to be with my son always.  Don’t I love him more than anything?  And then the thought that I am being a bad mom creeps in and in order to defend my preciously held belief that I am a good mom I begin working on new reasons for my son to attend daycare, ones that sound like it is for his benefit.  Now, if I wanted to participate in the mommy wars I would take this one step further: I would begin to condemn and look down upon mothers who choose to spend all of their time with their children.  Doesn’t she have a life… doesn’t she want him to have better social skills… look at how much better I am at being a mom because I made the decision to allow my son to go to daycare for 2 days a week.  Meanwhile those who choose to keep their kiddos with them defend their choice by pointing out what a selfish person I am and they feel sorry for my son because his mom doesn’t enjoy being a mom enough to do it every day.  See how the mommy wars go?  They divide us instantly.  All so we can defend our egos which really don’t require this much defending because most of the choices we make are really not going to make or break our kids.

    So how do I combat my ego’s desire to participate in the mommy wars?  The first thing I do is acknowledge that every mom (or parent) is doing the very best that they can with their experience, knowledge, skills, and available resources.  I have had so many people argue with me that this is a false premise, but I have never had anyone give me an example of how it is false.  That mom that treated her child like a dog?  She was doing her best considering her extreme mental illness, upbringing, situation, and resources.  Was it my best?  No, but it was her best.  Does that make it okay?  No, but it was her best.  Can she do better?  Yes, if she is given the proper tools (treatment, medications, behavioral plans, skill sets).  See how this works?  You can acknowledge that someone is doing their best and still not be okay with the outcome.  The acceptance of this premise helps to take away our instant hatred of other parents and replace it with compassion, which is what allows us to connect with and help one another.  The second benefit of this premise is that you are also doing your best with your situation, skills, and resources.  This helps to alleviate the need to justify your decisions and choices which means your ego isn’t threatened and you don’t need to participate in the mommy wars!  Peace will reign in the parenting kingdom! 

    I also try and call myself on it when I am being judgmental.  This means owning it when I find myself looking down on someone else’s choice and reminding myself that they are doing their best and that I don’t have all the information that went into their decision making process.  It also means having an open dialogue with the people around me so they can help me avoid participation in the battle against other parents. 

    Finally, I have to acknowledge that my decisions are just my opinions on how to handle a situation and it isn’t any better than anyone else’s.  I may have a lot of experience and education guiding my choices, but really what that education and experience has taught me is that there is no one right way to raise a child.  Amazing people come from a variety of situations and my choice of diaper really won’t be what inspires my son to be a great man. 

    So this entry is me waving the white flag.  I don’t want to participate in the mommy wars.  I plan to share my opinions in this blog, but they are not the only opinions in the world no matter how strongly I may state them.  My hope is that by sharing what works and doesn’t for us it will help other parents find more enjoyable ways to share their lives with their children.  Just because I schedule, breastfeed, and diaper with disposables doesn’t mean I look down on those who choose a different route.  I don’t consider myself to be a better mom for my choices; it is just that these are the choices that work best for me.  I know so many amazing moms and they all do it so very differently from one another and it seems to work for them and their children.  I know great working moms, bottle feeding moms, cloth diapering moms, organic moms and so many other kinds of great moms.  And their success as a mom in no way affects how I feel about the kind of mom I am.  We are all doing our best with the information, skills, and resources available to us and since we have decided that it is okay to do it differently from one another we can all be supportive of each other as moms, which gives us a whole new layer of defense for that most preciously held belief, “I am a good mom.”  

April 20th, 2014 – Moo Cow

    We have officially been parents for 21 days now!  It has been an interesting journey.  We have had so much to learn and so has our son.  There is just so much that they don’t tell you about being a parent and even what they do say doesn’t make much sense until you live it.  So far we have had adventures with circumcision and upper respiratory junk and had several appointments to see the pediatrician. 

    Our little guy has been quite the trooper as we learn on the fly.  The moment he was born we had learning to do.  My first lessons were in feeding him.  Something that seems so natural and normal is surprisingly complicated.  The first thing I learned was OUCH!  Breastfeeding hurts.  No one talks about that.  Everything I knew about breastfeeding came from watching videos, reading, seeing friends do it, and knowing that pediatricians all recommend it.  In all my knowledge seeking no one mentioned pain!  Breastfeeding hurts, at least at first.  No one mentions that you essentially need to build up callouses on your nipples and that in order to do that they first crack, blister, and become very, very painful just like any other skin that is building a callous (only on your NIPPLES!).  So, for anyone reading this that is planning on breastfeeding I am saying it.  Breastfeeding hurts and it hurts every time you feed until your breasts are healed which is a couple of weeks.  Stick with it if you can, but if you can’t I don’t think anyone can blame you.  Work with lactation specialists and learn how to get your child to latch properly.  Our lactation specialists were amazing and totally saved my breasts!

    This skill is learned in the hospital while surrounded by people telling you what to do.  And while our hospital has an amazing lactation consultation service our nursing staff had their own opinions about how things should be done.  So at times I heard conflicting advice and felt pressure to supplement when I really didn’t need to.  I took the route of the student and asked everyone who came into my room questions.  I took advice from pediatricians (who were also moms), nurses, and lactation specialists.  I breastfed in front of a lot of people just to make sure I was doing it right.  Here is what I learned.  First off, no matter what the nurses tell you, you don’t need to supplement.  If you are waiting for your milk to come in you just need to offer the breast more frequently.  Doing this will help your milk come in.  Supplementing can actually interfere with your milk supply, so don’t do it if you can avoid it.  I started by offering each breast for 5 minutes at a time every two hours or as soon as Monkey started rooting (which was any time he was awake).  By the time I left the hospital I was up to 10 minutes a breast for every session.  The hard part with a newborn is keeping them awake for the entire feeding! 

    Second, all babies lose weight just after birth.  The nurses were freaking out because our little guy was down 5% of his birth weight.  This had them making me feel like a terrible mom for not giving up on breastfeeding and using formula instead.  However, every pediatrician who saw him noted his weight loss and said it was fine and I didn’t need to supplement.  Ask more than one person if you are getting conflicting advice.  If it hadn’t been for the doctors and lactation consultants I would have been shamed into formula feeding by the labor nurses. 

    Newborns need to eat every 2-3 hours and they need to feed off booth breasts in order to help establish a solid milk supply.  We left the hospital a day early and my milk had already come in before I left.  This is super early for a first time mom and I think it had a lot to do with the pediatricians and lactation staff supporting me in continuing to offer the breast instead of supplementing.  The nurses did convince me to supplement on a couple of occasions and what I learned was that our little guy was eating plenty from the breast and he really preferred breast milk to the formula.  The formula also seemed to make him very gassy, which made him fussy and that was no fun for anyone. 

    Finally, offering the bottle and even the pacifier was interfering with his learning to latch properly.  Even still if I offer the breast after he has had a pacifier I have to take him off the breast and work on getting him properly latched.  Improper latch is SO painful!  Toe curling pain.  I have kicked the dog off the foot rest of my chair repeatedly when he latches improperly, it is that painful.  Thankfully our little guy doesn’t seem too fond of the pacifier! 

    I also learned a couple of tips for helping keep the nipple damage and pain to a minimum.  The first was to use hard plastic shields to keep anything from touching or rubbing your nipples.  Our hospital had Medela shields that they offered me.  They look ridiculous (like old school Madonna) but they really do help.  Although once your milk comes in they just get gross, so I stopped using them.  The second is to use lanolin on your nipples to help with the chaffing.  Our little guy would refuse to latch when I used it, so it wasn’t really an option.  He would literally latch and instantly open his mouth wide and remove himself from the breast.  I had several doctors and all the nurses tell me this was nonsense (in my head).  Then I spoke with a lactation consultant and a pediatrician who both had seen it before.  Some babies don’t like lanolin, but it seems most don’t notice it.  This epiphany did lead me to a better solution though.  Instead of using the lanolin, hand express at the end of the feeding and allow the colostrum to dry on the nipple.  This actually healed my cracked nipples in no time.  Much faster than what I was seeing with the lanolin.  So, you might give it a try if you are suffering the way I was.  

    The other side of breastfeeding that I hadn’t really considered much before is that you become the sole provider for nourishment, which means you are up every time he needs to eat.  We are 3 weeks in and the longest Monkey has gone between feeds is 5 hours.  Even that is only once or twice a day.  He averages about 7 feeding sessions a day, so the average time between feedings is less than 4 hours.  Each session takes about an hour.  I get him up, change him, feed him for 10 minutes on each breast, and then we need to spend about 20 minutes up right to help him with his reflux.  That leaves 3 hours for me to get any personal chores done and sleep.  I average no more than 2 hours of sleep at a time for the past 3 weeks.  One day Doc took him and I got 4 hours.  It was glorious.  But for the average day I am seriously sleep deprived.  I have started pumping, but we haven’t really used any of that supply yet.  We are saving it up.  It was recommended to us that we save it for when he is older and gets sick.  I pumped and save colostrum for that very purpose.  We know a pediatrician who swears by it, and since she gave me the rub colostrum on my nipples tip, I believe her. 

    Overall I think breastfeeding has been worth the time and pain.  Little man picked up a little upper respiratory junk and it seems to have resolved quickly.  Doc said he thinks the breastfeeding is what helped.  I think it also helped me establish a schedule, which makes all of our lives easier.   Little man is a very happy and easy going baby and while I think a large part of that is just his personality I also think that the schedule helps with that.  I have noticed that when his schedule is disrupted by visits or appointments he is a lot less easy going and gets fussy.  At 21 days old his is starting to tolerate small disruptions and adjustments to the schedule, but he really prefers when he knows what comes next in his day.  Finally, I think the time I spend feeding him is full of quality bonding.  I was the first person he made eye contact with and it was while he was attached to the breast.  It is a very special feeling to be able to provide nourishment and comfort to your child no matter where you are or what is going on.  If that doesn’t sell you on breastfeeding, then maybe this will… you burn 500 extra calories a day breastfeeding!  That is like 2 snickers bars.  ;-) 

April 6th, 2014 – Labor, Labor, Labor of Love

    After our 2 previous attempts and failure at inductions I was exhausted.  Bed rest for the week was a breeze because I felt awful all week long.  The contractions had continued all week, so it was very reminiscent of the miscarriage.  My body was exhausted and so were my emotions.  By the time Saturday rolled around I was dreading our trip to the hospital and another round of induction.  Doc and I had spent a lot of time discussing the possibility of a C-section and it was sounding better and better to both of us in comparison to another failed induction. 

    We arrived at the hospital Saturday night and began the process all over again.  I was still only 2 cm dilated and my cervix had actual become less effaced because the baby had moved off of it the day before and flipped himself around.  They applied the cervical ripening agent every 4 hours to prep me for another day of Pitocin.  They also hooked me up to all the monitors and gave me a half dose of Ambien.  Our nurse for the evening was brand new and it was obvious.  She was very sweet, but she was in my room at least once an hour checking on me because I was having contractions so frequently.  I repeatedly explained that it was normal and had been happening all week, but it didn’t seem to alleviate her fear that I would spontaneously deliver a baby without complaint during the night as I slept.  It was a horrible start for what I already knew was going to be a long and rough day.  By the time morning rolled around my fear about another day of Pitocin had ramped up to the point that I felt like I shouldn’t be doing the 3^rd induction at all.  Despite this, my new nurse hung the Pitocin.

    In the morning I got a new nurse, one with a lot more experience, and a new doctor.  The doctor was one my doctor worked with frequently.  Apparently it is common for them to labor each other’s patients and then call the other in for the delivery.  It was nice because it meant they kept in contact and didn’t step on each other’s toes.  I felt much better about being in his hands than I had with the previous doctors on call.  The first thing they did was explain that the night nurse shouldn’t have hung the Pitocin.  Again, great start to the day.  Then they explained that they wanted to break my water because they didn’t believe I would progress without it.  Rupturing the membrane allows the cushion between baby’s head and cervix to be removed and increases pressure on the cervix, which usually results in labor progressing quickly.  I have previously discussed my concerns about breaking my water so early.  I had really hoped to wait to do it until I was at least 4 cm, preferably 6 cm and labor was progressing more regularly.  The doctor and nurse were convinced that breaking my water was the answer to my failure to progress, I thought they were under appreciating the fact that my cervix had failed to dilate for a miscarriage and 2 previous inductions.  They did a lot of talking at me.  I did a lot of trying not to cry in front of them.  The doctor finally got called away and the nurse stayed to talk at me.  When I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer she gave us a moment to discuss it.  I felt very strongly about not wanting my water broken this early in the process, but they had made it clear that they thought I was in for another day of labor not progressing without it.  My biggest fear was a full day of horrible labor only to end up in C-section any way.  There just wasn’t a good option available.  I didn’t want the C-section unless I knew I had to have it, but I wasn’t going to find out if it had to happen unless I consented to having my water ruptured at only 2 cm.  It was a hard decision to make on a clear day, it felt like an impossible decision to make after no sleep and dealing with the aftermath of 2 failed inductions.  Bawling and feeling totally overwhelmed and defeated, I consented to the process.  We discussed a time line with the doctor to make sure we were all on the same page with regards to how far we would let things go and how long we would allow me to be ruptured.  Thankfully he agreed with the more conservative pediatrician recommendations and so did my nurse, so that would be the end of the battle and we could go forward on the same team. 

    At 9:30 am they ruptured my water.  No meconium staining and baby boy handled the change beautifully.  Contractions increased immediately.  They increased my Pitocin and my nurse remained with us at all times to monitor my progress.  I opted to labor in the tub again because the contractions were back to back and it was impossible to get comfortable in the bed or to walk.  I spent over an hour in the tub.  Doc and my nurse kept refilling me with hot water because I couldn’t move to do anything.  We played music to help keep me distracted and I got over any modesty I may have had.  My contractions were so intense and so close together that I couldn’t carry a conversation.  I just focused on breathing and floating. 

    Around 11:30 the contractions started spacing out.  By spacing out I mean they were now 2-3 minutes apart.  I decided to get out of the tub, because even that comfort only lasted so long.  My nurse wanted to place internal monitors to monitor the intensity of the contractions, which means I would be confined to the bed.  We discussed it and I agreed it was time for the epidural if they needed me to sit still for the remainder of the process.  I was 4 cm by the time the epidural and monitors were in.  My contractions would follow a strong pattern and then begin to space out.  They would increase the Pitocin, the contractions would increase, and then they would space out again.  We couldn’t get my body to show signs of steady progress despite strong contractions. 

    By 2:30 I had made no additional progress.  My nurse had tried placing me in all kinds of crazy positions.  You haven’t lived until you have been naked, immobilized and had your body placed in positions that make your privates a show for anyone who comes in the room.  The doctor came to check on me and was disappointed that we hadn’t progressed despite all of our efforts.  We asked him for a time line of how far we were going to go with this.  He felt that if we hadn’t progressed beyond 4 cm by 6:30 we most likely were not going to be able to deliver this baby naturally.  He was concerned that being stalled for so long wasn’t good for baby or me. 

    By 6:30 we had made no progress despite continued increases on the Pitocin and my nurse attempting to stretch the cervix by hand.  Baby boy decided he had had enough too and flipped face up and started to struggle a little more with contractions.  I worried every time I heard his heart rate slow and Doc’s eyes were glued to the monitor.  The nurse came in and explained she had been watching the monitor too and it was time to call in my doctor for a C-section. 

    At just before 7:15 I was being wheeled into the OR.  I was so exhausted that I couldn’t keep my eyes open or respond when people spoke to me.  I felt like I was struggling to remain conscious.  Baby boy was born at 7:22, 6 lbs and 14 oz, and 19.5 inches long.  I knew his cry the moment I heard it and fought to find consciousness so that I could see him.  I could hear Doc and my doctor talking.  I heard the nurse ask Doc if he wanted to examine him and I was so proud when Doc responded with, “No, I’m not his doctor.  I’m his Dad.”  It is hard for doctors to separate the 2, and he was starting off on the right foot.  My doctor teased him about his son’s full head of hair (Doc is bald).  They were doing well and that made me so very happy.  As they finished up I began shaking.  The shakes were so bad that I couldn’t keep my arms down on the table.  It was like I was having a seizure.  So not fun.  I couldn’t hold or touch my baby, but I could talk to him.  Doc said he oriented to my voice immediately and when he was held next to me he stopped crying. 

    The first hour after the C-section was torture.  The shaking was so bad that I wasn’t able to hold my son.  I had to wait to regain control over my hands before he could be in my arms.  Doc and I were both madly in love with him from the moment we saw him.  He is just perfect.  Holding him for the first time and nursing him were just magical moments I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

   We ended up leaving the hospital a day early.  I was exhausted and the hospital is no place to try and sleep, so we decided we could all recover better at home.  We have been working on getting a schedule established.  It is important to do it before Doc has to be back to work.  I have 2 weeks where I am unable to drive and I can’t pick up anything over 20 lbs for the next 6 weeks, so I am really glad he is home.  Not to mention recovering from the C-section has its own difficulties.  Baby boy is a good eater and has already begun to gain weight.  His nights and days are confused, like most babies, but we are working on getting that straightened out.  He is absolutely amazing and we adore him, despite the lack of sleep.  Doc and I are both enjoying every moment, but also looking forward to the day when we are able to sleep in the same bed at the same time again.  Until then, we just have to be full of joy for the wonderful thing that is life with our son.