May 31, 2012 – The Journey So Far

The last six days were heavenly.  Doc had those days off and we spent every moment of it together.  It was the first time in 3 months that we had time to do that, when it wasn’t an emergency.  I cannot stress how important this time together is.  It was time to reflect on everything that has happened.  We had time to process the journey together, which is what we have always done and it is why we are sliding into 11 years of happily married.  Medicine, in general, doesn’t seem to encourage happy and healthy marriages.  We are going to change that.  It is our family and then everything else.  Not a job and everything else. 

We spent some of our time reflecting on our situation.  We weren’t able to deal with all of the emotional stuff when it was fresh, it was just too hard to face.  On the day that we found out about the miscarriage Doc couldn’t go home.  For hours he drove around.  I went with him because I couldn’t bear to not be with him.  We ended up crying at the mall, crying in the car, crying in a booth at Jason’s Deli because we couldn’t face our home, where we had begun building a family and planning a future with children.  When we finally did return home we had things to put away.  Decorations for the nursery, baby’s first onsey, diapers and wipes… things you need only if you have children.  We shut the door to the nursery and walked away from the pain.  It wasn’t until we had time alone together that we could face it again. 

That probably sounds like a horrible way to spend a vacation, but really it was glorious.  Facing it allowed us to make plans for the future again, to put the last 3 months in our past instead of allowing it to be constantly in the present.  We made new goals for ourselves and our family.  We talked about our feelings, apologized for bad behavior (no one likes living with a grump) and came together again.  That makes it sound as if we had been living a horrible life recently.  It wasn’t that we were super grumpy with each other; it is just that we were not ourselves.  Doc and I are affectionate and talkative.  We never lack for things to say to each other and we never have more fun than when we are together.  For the last three months we have been stuck in our individual pain, so it made it hard for us to be ourselves.  We spent time being polite and just going through the motions of what we knew we had to do.  It wasn’t connecting and healing, it was survival.  Now, because of this time we had together we are back and it feels good.  I can finally talk about it all without crying, Doc can talk about it (he tends to not speak when upset), and we are starting to talk about it as a part of our history which allows us to hope for our future.  J 

We still have doctor’s appointments, blood draws, and all of the other hoops to jump through.  We are just back to doing it together. 

May 24, 2012 – Counting Chickens

They say, “don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”  I guess I should say don’t count your HCG before the lab.  My doctor called with my HCG levels last night and it is still 4.  He stated that because of my history of crazy side effects he isn’t willing to let it go.  I have to go back in 2 weeks for another HCG check. 

I am trying not to worry about it too much.  My HCG hasn’t gone up and is very low, so chances are things will work out just fine… having said that I now feel like I have cursed myself.  Maybe I should go running through the streets screaming “I have cancer” and then I would really end up being healthy and fine. 

May 23, 2012 – Normalcy

For the first time in 2 months I forgot to get up and go to the lab for my HCG draw.  It was nearly one before I realized I had forgotten.  I am taking this as a wonderful sign; because for the first time in 2 months this pregnancy and loss weren’t the first things on my mind when I woke.  Instead I ate breakfast, checked facebook, responded to texts and emails, and paid bills.  My old routine.  Things are finally beginning to settle. 

Last week my HCG was a 4, which is technically negative for pregnancy.  The nurse said a period should be forthcoming and then I should be 0 by today.  Friday I had my first period since January.  For my entire life I have thought, “wouldn’t it be nice to not have to worry about periods.”  It turns out the answer is “no”.  Periods are a sign of health.  It is amazing how this change in my thoughts affected my perception of the event.   

 As my hormones have settled, I feel like I am returning to my previous self.  It is very good to be back.  Doc is still struggling with everything that has happened.  I think this is mostly because his work requires him to be focused on others and it leaves no time for him to think about his own situation.  He has had 3 intense rotations while also facing 3 months of very difficult challenges in his personal life.  He has a lot to process and hasn’t had much time to deal with it.  This manifests itself in a bad mood.  I can’t blame him.  We desperately need some “us” time to deal with everything that has happened and to reset our course.  Thankfully he has 6 days off starting tomorrow.  We will be unplugging (as much as we can while he still has to study for boards) and reconnecting as a couple.  Forgive us if we disappear or seem unavailable during this time, we love you all, but we have to put our family first.  It is time for us to finish processing everything that has happened so we can put away these emotions and move on.  So that when we start trying in August we can enjoy the experience.  J

May 10, 2012 – Waiting

I assumed that since we were not currently able to try and conceive a baby that the big waiting game would be over… As usual, I am a moron.  The nurse called with my HCG levels.  Today we are at 7, a whole 2 points less than last week.  She explained that they are hoping it will drop off after I have a period.  So, I am waiting for my first period.  It turns out that my doctor was wrong about it coming this week.  Thus confirming that he is not psychic, which would be really handy for an OB if you think about it.  Regardless I will be going in for my 10^th HCG draw on Wednesday. 

I did just find out that the insurance is doing a really good job of covering all the lab work.  Thank God we have insurance!   Although insurance doesn’t cover anything related to fertility treatment (labs, meds, visits) it has covered everything associated with this pregnancy.  As the bills roll in and we are nearing the end of our 1^st year of trying I am going to add up all the pre-insurance costs of this year and see how much it would have cost insurance free.  I wonder if we will spend as much money on health care as we spent on medical school.  I am certainly off to a good start!

May 04, 2012 – Deep breaths, one foot in front of the other

On Tuesday evening I had a mucous discharge.  Super gross, right?  I thought so.  As promised, I called my doctor’s office about it.  They called me back and said the doctor wanted to see me.  The big concern was, of course, infection.  I knew I didn’t have an infection; no fever, no chills, no odor. We have only had protected sex, so no new pregnancy to worry about either.  My doctor is being cautious and I appreciate that. 

When I arrived the office was full of very young, very pregnant ladies.  Many of whom had several children in tow.   It was depressing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for everyone who is able to have children, but following my recent nightmare it is hard to be around things that remind me so much of what we lost.  Thankfully the nurse saw me, checked me in, and got me out of the waiting room quickly.  She also gave me my current lab results; my HCG is now at 9.  It is still dropping, which is good, but I was really hoping for 0.  We can’t be done with this nightmare until it is 0 for 3 months.  Until then I get to spend every day worried that I have a new nightmare waiting just around the corner. 

My doctor checked me, everything looks good.  I am tender, but that is to be expected.  He actually thinks I should be having a period in the next week.  I haven’t had a period since January, so I am actually looking forward to it.  It will be a sign of normalcy returning.  I am supposed to call and let them know when I finally get a period.  I think my doctor will be happy to see signs of normalcy returning as well.  This has been hard for all of us. 

Obviously, I am still dealing with the emotional upheaval of the last few months.  My hormones don’t help that situation.  Another factor which is making life more difficult is the impending arrival of Mother’s day.  The mere mention of which has me in tears.  Again, I am not unhappy for all of the amazing moms I know, and I know a lot of really great moms.  It is just that I feel so empty when I see a commercial or ad for Mother’s day.  It just reminds me that I lost our baby.  It reminds me that as of April I have been on prenatal vitamins for a year in preparation for pregnancy.  July marks a solid year of trying and failing to start a family.  It is all just so hard to handle.  I know my hormones are helping to exaggerate my feelings, but it is still hard. 

It is also hard to know what to say when people ask how we are doing.  As a therapist I know that a lot of mental health issues could be avoided if people just talked about real stuff that was going on with them.  However, in practice I have noticed that talking about our situation silences a room in a hurry.  People don’t know what to say in response to our reality.  Having to smile and say everything is just fine just makes me feel lonelier.  I would rather people not ask if they don’t want to know.  People want to know it is over, which is understandable.  However, the problem is that it isn’t over.  The reality is that it won’t be over for at least 3 months, possibly much longer.  The problem is that even when we do get pregnant again it won’t be the same.  How am I supposed to get excited about it again after everything we have been through?