This month has been all about relaxing and letting go of some of my planning ways. I am a planner. I want to know the next step so that I can be forever prepared for it. My doctor’s order to relax being attached to a 6 month treatment plan was a bit of a wake up for me. This is going to be a long term struggle. Not a quick fix solution. The sooner I accept that, the better off I will be. I feel like I am constantly accepting and rejecting this idea; that I don’t know what comes next and I have to have faith that things are happening exactly as they are supposed to be.
Along with giving up planning, I have had to give up some day dreaming. I am trying to face the reality that we may not get pregnant. We may not be able to have the family we always dreamed we would have. I know this means that I have to figure out what that means for us and for our dreams of the future. Luckily, I have an amazing partner that I share my life with and I know that we will make whatever happens not just work, but be just amazing.
This entry sounds a bit depressing, but really I don’t feel sad at all tonight. An amazing thing happened when we took away the distractions of day dreaming, planning, and entertaining… we settled into our routine and we have been able to really enjoy every moment of this month. We have had wonderful time together. We have explored more options for our lives and been able to widen our focus to include more than just baby-making. It has been a beautiful month. I am looking forward to next month even!
Tonight I am just relaxing while Doc is working. I’ve got II Tone Def playing while I type. Good music always helps me relax and feel good about the moment. J
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