July 30, 2012 – Checkup

I had my annual checkup with my OB/GYN today.  Doc is away at kidney camp, so it was just me.  This is the first non-emergency/routine visit I have had in a long time. My doctor said he had missed us, which made me laugh.  It does seem that it has become common place to visit my doctors! 

Everything looks good and it looks like we will be cleared to start trying again next month.  This is exciting news!  My doctor said it “is just by the perfect alignment of the stars that we are sitting here today” and he is hoping we will be having a baby this year.  I love that my doctors will be just as excited about us getting pregnant as we are.  This has been a serious journey and they have been walking it with us. We did also talk about my endometriosis.  Since my last period I have been having lower back pain, which is a common complaint with endometriosis.  My doctor said that unfortunately we haven't been able to treat it, because we are trying to get pregnant, but that being pregnant and delivering a baby usually wipe out endometriosis.  So, a whole new reason to want a baby! 

The current plan is to have one more blood test in the middle of next month, and if my HCG is still 0 then we are cleared to try again!  I am to call his office when my period starts to get the Clomid called in and then we are back to business!  While I am not sure I am really ready for all of the Clomid side effects to return, I am really excited to hear that things are getting back to normal.  Hopefully I won’t need to be on the Clomid for long before we are pregnant again, and hopefully that pregnancy will be a successful one!  Wish us luck!! J

July 10, 2012 - Mind the Gap

Our first month of waiting is nearly complete.  It has been kind of strange to be off the fertility schedule.  What is really amazing is how much time it freed up!  I hadn’t realized how much time the doctors’ appointments, medication side effects, and scheduled sex actually took up.  Oh and the break from the pregnancy diet!  I don’t have to be as cautious with what I eat or drink right now and it is so nice.  Imagine a year without alcohol or caffeine!  I also have food allergies that I have to be much more cautious about when I am trying to get pregnant because the medications to treat the severe reaction can cause problems with pregnancy, not to mention the physical stress it puts on my body.  I am borderline paranoid about my allergies on a good day, but on a pregnant day I am full blown obsessive. 

I have been dutifully making the rounds for general physical health.  I have a follow up appointment with my dentist to get some repairs done.  Doc once told me the physical toll of pregnancy on a woman includes enough calcium sucked out of her body to result in the loss of one tooth.  I have 2 damaged teeth following our miscarriage.  I am getting them repaired this week as well as having some preventative things done. 

I had previously thought we wouldn’t be able to start trying again until September, but after checking the calendar I realized I was wrong.  We should have our third negative HCG just in time during August that I could start Clomid again then.  The appointment with my allergist wasn’t until September, so I may have to put off that appointment.  I have asked them to put a note by the receptionist’s desk asking them to call me if they have a cancellation, so hopefully they will get me in before we are trying again. 

As for getting pregnant, Doc and I have talked a lot about our plans for continuing.  Doc has come down firmly on the side of giving it one more try, but not pushing our luck if we have a third miscarriage.  We both want children, but this last miscarriage was just too much.  The idea of risking having another situation like that is just too intense for him.  I forget that while it was a little scary for me, it was a lot scary for him.  The down side of having a husband that adores you is that he doesn’t want to lose you.  Terrible complaint to have, right?  I understand and agree with him.  I don’t want him to be stressed out worrying about losing me and a baby all at once.  He is generally an attentive husband, but during the miscarriage it was obvious he was worried and hyper vigilant.  So, one more try.  We reserve the right to change our minds should the one more try result in failure, but for now that is the plan. 

This last miscarriage changed everything.  The first miscarriage sucked, I don’t want to make it sound as if a miscarriage is ever an easy thing.  It isn’t.  They are scary and depressing and just plain horrible no matter what.  It is just that when you go through a month of contractions and bleeding and then almost die at the end of it… it changes your life.  And for Doc, to have to sit and watch me get weaker and sicker and suffering, it is just too much to ask him to go through it again.  Doctors don’t like to feel helpless and out of control (do any of us?) and that is exactly how Doc felt watching me.  Besides, if you jumped out of an airplane without a parachute and happened to survive the fall, would you be jumping for joy at the idea of doing it again?  Probably not.  So our opinions about how we will handle the next pregnancy have changed.  The last time we were pregnant we were adamant that we didn’t want to know the gender and we were coming down uncertain if we would opt for additional testing during our pregnancy.  This time we are swinging the other way.  Doc said it best, “I don’t think I want any more surprises.”  I have a feeling we will be spending a LOT more time with our doctors during the next pregnancy.  That is okay, we have fantastic doctors and if it will help Doc feel better than I am on board.  I adore him too, and don’t want to make him worry unnecessarily. 

As I am getting physically prepared to go through it all again, we are slowly getting mentally prepared.  The nicest thing about this break is that it has given us time to heal.  I have stopped having nightmares about pregnancy and miscarriages.  I am down to only twinges of sadness about not having children yet.  I have 6, yep count them, SIX friends that are currently expecting and I am genuinely and deeply excited for all of them.  I am even looking forward to throwing a shower for one of my girlfriends.  When you are struggling with something like this, especially when it seems so easy for everyone else, it is easy to get lost in your own pain and to become jealous of others.  You can even start to resent others because it just seems so unfair that it comes so easily for everyone else.  I have cried my fair share of tears of self-pity, but in the end I don’t want to be a jealous person.  I have a good life even if we don’t have children.  I want to be a loving and generous person who gives back to the people around me.  I can’t do that AND be jealous and self-involved.  So, I choose to accept that this is my life.  The only life I have to live and I don’t want to waste it being miserable for things that are out of my control.  I am at a point where I can accept that this is our journey, I don’t know where it will lead or why we have been given it, but it is ours to travel.  So, we will continue on this road, learning whatever life lessons we have to learn, hopefully sharing what we learn with others.  Maybe that is the point of the journey; we just don’t know and won’t find out until it is all over.  J