As we have struggled with infertility I have noticed that
people are really not very careful about what they say to couples struggling with
infertility. Words convey beliefs and
attitudes that if the individual really stopped to examine, would probably not
be what they chose to express to someone suffering such a terrible, personal,
and constant loss. I think I have
mentioned before one of my favorites, “Children are such a blessing” which
implies that the inability to have children is a curse (which implies the infertile
couple is deserving of this horrendous punishment). It seems to me that God allows all kinds of inappropriate
parents into the world. I know this
because I used to spend my time helping to restore the mental health of the
children they damaged. God lets murders,
child molesters, kidnappers, the unfaithful, the unsupportive, the abusive and
all sorts of other monsters reproduce… But yeah, I am sure I have done
something much worse and I deserve this curse.
I am glad you think so highly of me!
There are also those people that attempt to be ‘helpful’ with advice. Things like, “we had a really hard time getting pregnant too. It took us 2-6 months and here is what worked for us…” I just want to respond with over the top sympathy, “you poor dear! 2-6 whole months!? You must have gone out of your mind trying to figure out what you did to deserve that horrible curse!” Because as we roll into our 3rd year of trying I don’t really have anything that I want to say about your horrible 2-6 months of trying with no drugs or medical interventions as you hold your perfect child. If you haven’t really struggled with infertility say nothing or stick to a simple “I’m sorry you are struggling with that”. I understand the desire to connect, but really your ‘help’ is like trying to tell an amputee how you understand their pain because you stubbed your toe once and it really hurt. Try giving them a hug, pat on the shoulder/back, or hold their hand. And if you are not close enough to make these intimate gestures then why on Earth are you asking about their reproductive cycles?!
I can handle most of these situations when they come up
and usually find a way to laugh about them, because humor can see me through
just about anything. The absolute worst
though, comes from those people I have let in to share our struggle. Those people that I thought understood the
pain we have suffered and had been there with us. When they speak up and reveal they too
thought all along we must be doing something wrong (morally, physically,
behaviorally) that we are not able to get pregnant or that maybe we just don’t
want it badly enough, that is when my heart really takes a beating and I have a
hard time finding my sense of humor. I
have had this happen to me a few times recently. Several people have flat out asked if I really
want to have children. It feels like a
slap in the face when I get asked that.
Apparently I haven’t grieved enough publicly. Should I wear black every day until I get
pregnant? Should I weep openly every day
and shame myself so that everyone can see the pain etched across my soul? What exactly does wanting a child enough look
like? Once again I think about all the
people in the world who didn't really want to get pregnant or have children,
and yet they did. These comments are really
just another take on the “blessings” issue.
It implies that God knows my intentions are not strong enough and that is why
children are being withheld from my life.
How exactly should I respond to questions like this? So far I have managed to not burst into open
tears at the utter sense of betrayal, but it gets more difficult each time I am
asked. Each time there is a dig about
why I am not a mother. People who don’t
know our struggle will say things like, “that is why you don’t have children”
as if it was a choice we made because, although we both work with children, we
really hate children. We dedicated our
knowledge and our lives to helping improve the world for children, but we hate
children. It is absolute poppycock! Thoughtless and empty words… which happen to
be so incredibly painful.
Back to my main point; words have a great deal of power and
meaning and they convey our beliefs and attitudes. It is impossible for any person to fully
understand another person’s internal processes and motivations. Even as a therapist, or spouse, or lover, or best friend, or parent. The only
experience you can ever really know is your own. The only life and character you are able to clearly judge is your
own. You can’t ever know (even if you
ask) what is really in another person’s heart and soul. You can’t ever hear how many silent prayers
they sent up just to make it through the day.
You don’t know how many times they excuse themselves so they can cry in
the bathroom only to return to the table with a smile and a joke. You don’t know how often they stomach your
thoughtless and hurtful comments without replying. But you can choose to be more thoughtful about
what you say to people. You can choose
to fill your voice with love instead of jealousy, rage, or judgment. You can acknowledge that you have been lucky
and that means others have been unlucky.
You are not blessed, they are not cursed. There are things in my life that make me feel
incredibly lucky or fortunate and there are things that I know I worked hard to
have. I have a truly wonderful and supportive
marriage with a man who gets my brand of crazy 100% and still manages to love
me. I was lucky to find him, but we worked
hard to make sure our marriage was what we wanted it to be. Notice how these statements don't demean my friends/family who have suffered the heartbreak of divorce? They were unlucky or unfortunate and their hard work was put into an unlucky situation. They are not cursed for having married the wrong person any more than I am blessed to have found the right person, I was just lucky. I was fortunate to be able to go to school,
but I earned the 3 degrees by hard work.
I have been very fortune that I could afford treatment for infertility,
but I have been very unlucky in the outcome.
I realize that people are uncomfortable with the idea that they were
lucky rather than blessed, I think this is because they are hoping to give God
credit for their good fortune. But again
I ask you to be thoughtful with your words and intentions. If you intend to give God credit you really
don’t need to say something is a blessing.
You could still say it was luck, you just add “Thank God”. “Thank God I was lucky enough to meet such an
amazing man.” That way you thank God for his contribution to your life without
demeaning anyone else’s struggle. I
doubt that your intent when you say you are “blessed” is to imply others are “cursed”
but that is exactly what you are doing because the opposite of blessed is cursed. Please be thoughtful with your words and when you find yourself saying something thoughtlessly, you will be amazed how far an apology goes. "I am so sorry, that was a thoughtless statement. I meant to say..."
