December 28, 2011 – The Clomid Ride

Starting Clomid made for an interesting month.  I say interesting because saying hellish or nightmarish is likely to scare people.  It was not fun.  Not really even a little.  In fact, we are still debating whether or not we will take it again if we were unable to conceive this month.  Here is a run down of how Clomid changed my month…

The first 7 days of my cycle were okay.  There was the embarrassing crying, but really not much else worthy of discussion.  It was very manageable.  Then from day 8 until day 18 was where the real torture began.  Every day, all day, I was nauseous.  Not a little bit, but a lot.  I don’t vomit.  People have a hard time believing this, but I don’t unless I am pregnant.  I think if I had been a normal person, I would have vomited daily for these 10 days.  I was dizzy for no reason and just felt awful every day, all day.  There were also other fun side effects like spots in my vision.  At one point I actually caught myself swatting at what I thought were gnats swarming me… they were just black spots filling my vision.  It was as if someone had taken a picture with a flash that was way too bright.  It is difficult to read, watch TV, do chores, or drive when you have black spots filling up your vision.  Not to mention that constant vision disturbances lead to migraines. 

Fertility days (or the days when we are supposed to be having sex every other day) are from day 11 until day 18.  I told Doc that this was the first time since our early college days that I had sex while nauseous and dizzy.  It was like 2am bar closing sex, only I didn’t get to be drunk or have heard a good band before hand.  Not really as much fun at 33 as it was at 21… The final side effect was the worst, and most difficult to tolerate.  Ovulation.  This was not normal ovulation with a little pinch and done.  No.  This was the Incredible Hulk of ovulations.  It included intense (meaning would normally have driven me to the hospital) abdominal cramping.  The nausea also took this opportunity to increase.  The pain was so intense that my lower back, hips, and abdomen hurt.  It hurt way worse than the worse bladder infection I have ever had.  Imagine having the worst cramps of your life along with the worse bladder infection you can imagine and you are maybe ¾ the way there.  It was impossible to find a position to relieve the pain.  Sitting hurt, laying hurt, standing hurt, moving exponentially increased the pain, using the restroom was painful, sleeping was impossible, and sex was just awful.  I cried and Doc said he didn’t want me to take Clomid again.  That is how awful it was.  Poor Doc had to give me multiple back massages to try and relieve the pain.  It was just awful. 

Here is the sunny side, because you know I have to say it all… by day 19 all symptoms were halved.  By day 20 the side effects were gone and I actually felt amazing.  I don’t know if it was just because it was such a relief to have the side effects gone or if the hormonal changes included this good day, but I felt great.  Of course that was also the day Doc ended up with the stomach flu and I spent the day taking care of him.  J

Yesterday was day 21 and I can’t tell you whether or not the side effects were gone because I caught Doc’s stomach flu, so who knows which problem is causing today’s nausea.  I think it is the stomach flu and that I would be feeling fine without it.  I managed to make it to the doctor’s office for my blood work and am still waiting to hear the results.  I hate the waiting game.  My next appointment is next week and that is when we will find out whether or not we were successful this month.  

We are still debating whether or not we will use Clomid again.  It may partially depend on what the doctor thinks.  I will say that this is not a drug you should take and assume that your life will continue on as normal.  It will not.  You will have side effects and they will limit your daily activities and you will not have total control over your emotions or body.  If you have vacation time to use, I suggest you take off for days 8-18.  Give yourself permission to take those days off and take care of yourself.  I will let you guys know when we decide whether or not it is worth another try.  Thank you to all the people that provided me with support during these awful days.  Friends are a wonderful distraction from troubles!  J

December 19, 2011 – The side effects go on and on…

It turns out that although I only had to take Comid for 5 days, the side effects can last a bit longer.  Side effects can include any number of things, but for me they seem to center around these: nausea, dizziness, and spots in vision, physical symptoms of anxiety, and a few mood swings. 

Needless to say, there have been a few extra prayers going up this month as I hang out on the bathroom floor, “Please don’t make me have to take this drug again.”  I now know why Doc’s colleague refers to Clomid as an evil little drug.  It is evil and I am pretty sure it hates me. 

The side effects can be a bit overwhelming and once again I find myself thankful I am not working.  (I have to wonder if that wasn’t someone’s plan all along.)  I am also so thankful to have Doc as my partner through this.  He responds to me with concern and compassion, and very frequently humor which helps me manage everything better.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  He really makes an effort to be with me on every step of this journey.  I think a part of him is probably happy that he isn’t the one on the bathroom floor, or lying in bed for an hour after sex, or seeing spots, or having panic symptoms, but at the same time I think he would shoulder this burden if he could.  He does such a good job of acknowledging that it is hard and tries to do his best to make everything he can easier on me in the mean time.  I am a very lucky woman to have his love and support. 

Despite the side effects we have maintained our busy schedule of dinners and appointments.  Last night as we prepared for yet another recruiting dinner, I was feeling a bit irritable and out of sorts.  Doc found this a little funny and also a little scary, because we really did need to entertain people soon.  He kindly asked if I wanted to skip the dinner, which of course was met with hormonal rage.  I was already dressed and still fussing in the mirror; obviously I was planning on going!  I knew by Doc’s expression that he knew this was hormonal, and he also knew that I knew it is hormonal, so what happened next was perfect… Doc looked at me, very seriously, adjusts my sweater and while completely ignoring whatever argument I was starting says, “Your boobs look really good tonight.”  It completely took the wind out of my sails.  How do you pick a fight with that?!?  I say, “thank you” because I couldn’t really think of anything else to say, he totally knocked me off balance with that one. I then watch Doc look down, slowly step to the side and back away from me with the smallest self-satisfied grin on his face.  He knew he just expertly maneuvered a hormonal mind field and he was very pleased with himself.  I started laughing and continued to laugh for the rest of the evening. 

Busy schedule aside, we are managing this situation to the best of our ability.  We are staying on schedule and even having fun again. J Apparently all we needed was the doctor to order us to have fun when we make love.  When side effects rear their ugly heads during dinners or with friends and family we just apologize and explain.  Once again I have found that the benefit of being open and honest about this struggle is that people really are pretty understanding when you give them the chance to be.  J

December 14, 2011 – Clomid Crying: Getting by with a little help from my friends

The 5 days I was on Clomid were some of our busier days.  Doc had holiday parties and recruiting dinners and he really needed me to be at my best.  He was working overnight, coming home to sleep for a couple of hours, and then we would be off to the next event.  There was very little sleep had by all.  To make matters worse, we both have a cold or flu bug.  Under normal conditions, this schedule and situation would have made me a little tense.  On Clomid… I had many episodes of what I call “inappropriate crying”.  It wasn’t that I was sad; if I had been sad it would have been easier to explain.  Instead it was just that any emotion and I mean any emotion, resulted in a session of bawling that lasted approximately 10 minutes.  I watched Our Idiot Brother… cried.  I looked at one of my dogs and thought, “He is a really good dog.”… cried.  Watched Doc shave and he made me laugh… cried.  Watched a video of a baby scaring itself with a fart… laughed so hard I ended up bawling.  Inappropriate crying!

By the time we were leaving for the party, Doc and I had managed to make light of the inappropriate crying and he was even excited to tell people about it.  I am not a public crier, but I quickly realized that feeling embarrassed by the crying only made it worse.  So, I pulled on my big-girl panties and accepted that I was going to cry, I would have no control over how/when it occurred or how long it lasted.  All I could do was accept that it was a part of my current situation and that I could only control how I reacted to it, not how others thought/felt about it.  Everyone at the party was a physician or hospital employee that already knows us and most of them knew we were having fertility issues, so we opted to just be honest about our situation.   

The party went well and I only had 2 episodes of inappropriate crying, that thankfully were very brief and little more than tearing up.  One of the doctors that had also been on Clomid before shared that she had the same side effect.  She said she would walk into a patient’s room to give good news and end up crying.  She refers to Clomid as “an evil little drug”. 

Overall, it wasn’t a terrible side effect and it was over by the next day.  I am thankful that although we were busy, I didn’t have to try and work while I was feeling so off balance.  I am thankful that I had the time to think about the situation, fully process it, and gain some perspective with Doc before I had to face the world crying.  Being open and honest about it was definitely the way to go!  I felt like our friends were supporting us and when I started crying we all just started making jokes about how our table had the most interesting people (the crier, the wino… you know the cool kids).  J

And I found that once again, I can get by with a little help from my friends J

December 9, 2011 – The Clomid Shuffle

My morning started off with a little more stress than I would have liked.  I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that the sonogram tech had called in sick and they would need to reschedule the appointment.  L I have waited nearly a full month for this appointment, my doctor said I needed to get the sonogram within the first 3 days of my cycle starting… today was day 3.  I called and let the scheduler know that this appointment was time sensitive and I would need to be seen today, if not at their clinic, then somewhere else.  No one likes to loose business… they had the nurse call me back within a couple of hours and they squeezed me in with a different tech.  I thanked her profusely.  I love nurses; they are generally a helpful group of people as long as you explain the situation.  It helps that my mom is a nurse, so I am always very nice to nurses. 

Doc is working nights again this weekend, so he was able to come to the appointment.  I am going to be a little gross for a moment as I describe this, so if you turn away from medical shows on TV, feel free to skip this section.  In case anyone doesn’t remember from health class back in the day; day 1 of a woman’s cycle is the day that her period starts.  This appointment takes place on day 3...  The appointment started with the sonogram, an internal sonogram.  For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure, this is a sonogram done from the inside using a magic wand.  I look over at this magic wand and all I can think is that it looks like a very thin dildo.  Doc is in the room for this so of course we begin joking about the magic dildo.  It is larger than a tampon, smaller than a penis, I really don’t know how else to describe it.  It doesn’t really hurt unless they are poking at an already sore spot (such as my left ovary).  So, this lovely young lady comes in and violates me with a magic wand.  I’m given a minute to get dressed (and clean up) before a nurse comes and tells me to come with her… There is nothing more terrifying than a nurse that rushes you from one room to another and says NOTHING!!!  She has my sonogram in her hand and puts me in a regular exam room.  She then tells me to get undressed (again) and wait for the doctor.  Thank God Doc was with me, or I would have been in tears waiting for my doctor.  Instead of worrying and crying, Doc begins telling jokes about the number of pelvics I have had in the last month and trying to calculate the amount of money the doctor makes each time I visit.  We end up laughing about the fact that the equipment to look in ears has dust on it and that every medical problem can apparently be diagnosed with a pelvic.  This is just one of many reasons I love my husband.  He keeps me sane when my imagination could run away with me.  J

My doctor finally comes in and informs us he will not need to do an exam and I can get dressed. J I get dressed and my doctor comes back in to discuss my results.  Everything looked good on the sonogram.  He said small adhesions won’t show on it, but no structural issues were present that would keep us from getting pregnant. J A big sigh of relief!!  He then asks if we had decided we wanted to start the Clomid, because he remembers us being a bit cautious about it.  I explain that after we read more about it we had decided to start it.  And that was that, he gave me a ton of information, a new schedule to live my life by and told me I needed my first dose today.  And that was it!

Our new schedule is a bit rigorous.  I take meds from day 3 until day 7 of my cycle.  We are supposed to have sex from day 11 until day 18 every other day or more (the doctor’s note even says we should try to have fun J).  I am now required to lay on my back for an hour after sex!!!  I'm not sure there is enough Angry Birds for that much time laying around.  I may need to buy a book or two.  On day 21, I come back for blood work to make sure I ovulated and all that jazz.  Then on day 28, I come back for another pelvic, because all of the world’s problems can be solved with a pelvic!  Actually, it is too make sure my ovaries didn’t become overactive and enlarged, which is a real side-effect of the med.  Then we start the dance all over again!  Here is hoping we have good news in the future! J

December 5, 2011 – Routine Maintenance

I have found myself in a waiting period, yet again!  This time I am waiting for my cycle to start so that I can have my sonograms and begin Clomid.  I swear the lesson that is being taught through this is “patience”, but wow do I suck at waiting! 

Doc and I have been asking around to see who has tried Clomid and what kind of side effects we can expect.  Doc found a physician he works with that had taken it to have her first child; she said it made her a “raging bitch”…. That should be interesting!  I’m surprised that they can’t make a fertility drug that has the side effects of super horny and super happy… wouldn’t that be more productive than a fertility drug that makes you super cranky?  Pretty sure that bad moods are not conducive to frequent intimacies. 

While Doc was asking around about Clomid he did get to hear a few stories about people trying.  Apparently we are not the only people with days on the calendar that mark when we should have sex, and we are not the only people who groan on those days.  When we first started trying to have a baby it was exciting and new.  A few months in it became like a second job… six months in and we are figuring out the fastest way to get done so that we can get back to our lives.  This is the sad truth of really trying to get pregnant.  Sadly, the exciting, magnificent, and mind-blowing sex that is present at the beginning of the journey is hard to maintain for the duration.  I mean, if you had your favorite desert every other day for 6 months, would it still be your favorite? 

Life is busy and it is hard to find the time to woo, but it is necessary to maintain our relationship while we are trying.  If we neglect our relationship during this process we will regret it later, when we have children and are supposed to be working as a team again.  We’ve been scheduling regular dates, which seem to help.  Decreasing the amount of time on the computer and smart phones seems to be helping the connection too.  It takes effort to maintain our relationship during this, but it is worth it.  J