September 23, 2001 – The Sweet Week

Each month is packed full of stuff to remind me that we are struggling with fertility.  All of the monitoring, testing, & trying (J) serves as a daily reminder.  But for one week each month there is relief.  For that one week I can be hopeful and anxious and wonder if we have finally managed to start our family. 

Of course, so far, that one week has had a very sad ending.  It has been followed by a day that is personally devastating and full of self-doubt.  And on the worst months, I wonder if we aren’t being punished for some great error and that is why we are having trouble conceiving.  If we are somehow living our lives incorrectly and the punishment is the withholding of this one pleasure. 

Then the realist in me kicks back in, and I know that this isn’t punishment, it is biology.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 20 years old and it was going to make getting pregnant very difficult.  I also believe that we all have lessons to learn and things to accomplish and things happen exactly as God intends.  So, while I am ready today, God has additional plans for us.  We will get pregnant in his time, and he has a purpose for this struggle.