October 25, 2011 - Give me a break

I think it is time to give myself a little break from worrying about infertility. I decided that this month I need to let go of some of the constant worry and reminders.  Doc and I discussed it and he is going to take over some of it.  For this month he’s going to be counting days and I’m just going to follow his lead.  I’m not going to be taking any ovulation or fertility tests.  I’m just going to try and enjoy my favorite month of the year.  I need to break. 

As for our other looming decisions, we’ve discussed those as well.  We’ve decided that I will see the specialist next month, by myself.  Doc will be working his inpatient month in November, which means I will only see him when he needs to sleep or be home so he doesn’t have a duty-hour violation.  By getting all the pre-work done by myself I am hoping that we can push the surgery back to a month when Doc is more available.  I think the hospital will give him time off for the surgery if it isn’t during an inpatient month.  They can’t afford to be short a doctor during those months.  The hospital is short a few doctors right now and until those positions are filled all of the current doctors need to be working steady.  While I hate putting things off, I hate the idea of doing it completely on my own more.  I can’t ask the hospital to sacrifice a doctor when I can so easily move the dates I need my husband. 

So, we are continuing on this path until we hear otherwise.  This month started out rough, but now that I’ve decided to give myself a little break things are looking a lot better.  I realize that not everything is in my control and I am doing everything I can to improve our odds.  The rest is in someone else’s hands.  J

October 18, 2011 – Doctor, Doctor

It has been a rough couple of weeks.  Last week we had another failed pregnancy.  I became very ill last Monday.  I tied to ignore it and tried to go on with my daily life, but by the time Doc got home I had been unable to eat anything and was not keeping things down.  The nausea continued for two days, along with shaking, sweating, and just general ickiness.  There was no fever, so I knew it wasn’t a virus.  I already had my doctor appointment scheduled for Monday, so I waited to talk to her then.  Even though in the moment it felt very urgent, I knew there was nothing that could be done to stop it. 

Yesterday I saw my doctor.  I love my doctor.  I explained everything that happened and she ordered some additional tests.  I’ve been having a pain in my left side since Monday.  It hasn’t been bad, but I know better than to ignore pain.  For once the news that we were not pregnant was good news.  If I had still had elevated levels of HcG it would have pointed towards an ectopic pregnancy, which would have made yesterday suck a lot more than it did.  Unfortunately, it did lead to a doctor’s order to see a specialist, “sooner rather than later.” 

For those of you that don’t know about endometriosis; it is a disorder where the lining of the uterus grows in places where it should not.  When it grows in these incorrect places (like the abdomen) it is still functioning, so when the rest of the lining is shed, this incorrectly placed lining attempts to shed.  Only when it sheds into the abdominal cavity it causes internal bleeding.  Pain is just one fun side effect.  The real trouble begins when the body attempts to stop this internal bleeding.  As a part of the “healing” process it creates scar tissue in places where it should not be and can cause problems when it attaches normally free floating organs to one another.  I once had a doctor describe it as trying to pull apart tissue paper that has been glued together.  Not a nice picture when you consider this is my abdomen.  It causes the individual pain when they move.  The solution for this problem?  Surgery!  L

One of the side effects of all this healthy living I have been doing (increasing my iron, adjusting my hormones) is that the lining has been shedding more.  Simply put, there has been a lot more internal bleeding going on.  So a new pain, which has developed in only a few months, is not a good sign.  The internal bleeding is one of the many reasons that patients with endometriosis have trouble conceiving.  When the uterus attempts to grow, existing scar tissue prevents expansion, which isn’t good for baby. 

So, I have orders to see the specialist.  I know we will need to schedule surgery, but one of the problems is finding a good time to do that.  Doc doesn’t exactly get a lot of days off and he needs me to take care of things around here, like walking our crazy dogs and grocery shopping.  I had a similar surgery done when I was 20 and while the surgery itself isn’t bad, the recovery days sucked. Doc is scheduled to be in his inpatient rotation next month, which means he is working pretty much non-stop for that month.  He won’t be able to hold my hand for the surgery, much less take care of me afterwards.  Not to mention my extreme dislike of surgery.  Irony of all ironies; I am actually afraid of doctors.  J  I will figure it out; I am just finding all kinds of reasons to avoid thinking about it today. 

Almost every thing else looked good during my visit.  I’ve got low blood pressure, which considering my family history of heart problems and high blood pressure is good news.  Almost all of my blood levels were within the range of health.  The only problem with my blood work was that my iron is still low!!  I have made so much effort on this one variable!  I eat red meat, I eat leaf greens, I eat beans, and I take prenatal vitamins plus an additional supplement of iron!  Now I find out I have to double the supplements I take!  I don’t understand how I can still be low!  For those who have never take iron supplements before, they suck.  They cause all kinds of trouble.  I love the way my doctor gave the order though, “if you can tolerate it, double your supplement.”  Sadly, we all know I will tolerate it.  I went through a month of stomach aches when I started it all in the pursuit of baby-making!  I’m not stopping now!

October 3, 2011 - Welcome to October!

Welcome to October, my favorite month of the year!  Of course right now we just know it as month 4 of trying to get pregnant.  I have to say that even though our doctor told us we were going to have trouble getting pregnant, and even though in 10 years of marriage we have only gotten pregnant once, there was a part of me that thought I would be pregnant by now.  Sadly, we are not.  I’m really disappointed and feeling pretty down today, so forgive me if this isn’t as hopeful as usual.  I wanted to be honest and share all sides this struggle, and some days just suck more than others.  The dark secret of the moment is that I cry at the mere mention of family, or sight of a big baby bump, and at pampers commercials.  Yep, the thought of dirty diapers makes me cry, and not in the way you might think!  I realize what we are missing out on, which makes me sad.  L

Doc and I have had a lot of thinking to do about how we will continue this journey.  We are very fortunate that Doc’s job provides us with excellent insurance, which doesn’t require a waiting period for pregnancy.  We are also blessed with access to some of the best healthcare available.  See, Doc is a resident at one hospital, but that hospital is part of a large organization of hospitals, clinics, and private practices.  Fortunately, any physician in that network is considered “in network” for our insurance, so we can pretty much see any physician in our area and if we incur expenses at the hospital, the program will cover a portion of the bill.  It’s like being part of the mob, if the mob were a huge group of fantastic doctors whose goal it was to make the world a better place by providing top-notch healthcare.  The downside (doesn’t there always have to be a downside?) is that fertility treatments are not covered at all by our insurance and while the hospital can write off things like supplies, the doctor performing the tasks still has to be paid.  So, while we have access to the best healthcare, it doesn’t matter because we can’t afford the treatments.  Which is today’s second suckfest, I know.  L

So, what have Doc and I talked about?  We have been trying to figure out how much money we should spend on trying to get pregnant and whether we should consider adoption instead.  Med-school was very expensive, and more than a fourth of our income will go towards student loan payments for the next 10 years (at least), and residents don’t make that much money (McDonald’s money) and despite common opinion, doctors really don’t make as much as people might think (at least pediatricians don’t), so we have to consider the financial ramifications of our choices.  For the moment we have decided to continue on with trying to get pregnant, with a better understanding that we may have some tough choices ahead.  There are a lot of tests and procedures that have to happen before fertility treatments can begin, so we need to talk to our doctor about spreading those tests out so that we can make the process more affordable.  Hopefully this won’t add too much time to the process, because as we all know I’m old and the clock is ticking on my fertile years.

Keeping in touch with our doctors has become second nature now that we understand how much more smoothly things go when our doctors are informed.  We’ve signed releases so that the OB and GP can communicate, which also makes it possible for our GP to order and run tests that might cost more if done at the OB.  It helps that our GP was a resident in this network and she understands how to get things covered either by insurance or the hospital.  In a couple of weeks I have my next scheduled appointment and we will discuss options for spreading out testing.  I will also check to see if she has any helpful money saving tips or if she knows which tests will get us the most info for the money.  We need to be proactive in our situation, which means we need to be doing our own research and we need to walk into appointments informed.  Hopefully our doctor appointment goes smoothly and she has some good ideas for improving our odds.  I’ll let you all know what we figure out! J