January 30, 2012 – The Waiting Game

I find it slightly entertaining that when we first began this journey I referred to this week as “The Sweet Week” because it was the one week with no tests, no schedule, just us and a room full of hope.  Looking at this week during our 7^th month of trying, it looks a bit different.  Now this week is full of fear, dread, and a feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.  I know that is irrational, after all, I am either pregnant or I’m not.  Yet I find myself afraid to be hopeful.  I know Doc is feeling hopeful this month and that too scares me.  It feels like I am going to let people down by not being pregnant.  Even worse, I will let myself down by not being pregnant.  Not to mention that people want to make plans for the next month and I still don’t know if I will be off of this crazy fertility schedule.  I can’t travel or do anything if we are still stuck in this loop.  It may be that I will be stuck in this loop for the next 4 months, but people are understandably ready for life to go on.  I’m ready for life to go on, but I can’t seem to get pregnant!  These are not exactly relaxing thoughts! 

Needless to say, I am feeling a great deal of stress today and that is exactly the opposite of what my doctor told me to be doing.  So now the question becomes how will I manage this stress?  First off, I am writing it down because writing it down gives me the opportunity to let go of it.  For some reason putting it out on paper helps free my mind from the worry.  Next, I think I am going to run some errands.  Maybe even do a little window shopping.  Squeezing in a workout will also help me relax.  Finally, my go-to relaxation… I will phone a friend, talk about ridiculous stuff, laugh a lot, and even figure out a way to laugh at myself and my silly worries.  Regardless, I am not making long term plans today.  I am not taking stressful phone calls.  I am not worrying about what day of my cycle it is (day 24 for those keeping track).  Finally, I will say a little prayer (as I have every day) that I will make it to day 35 this time. 

January 23, 2012 – Finding ways to let go

This month has been all about relaxing and letting go of some of my planning ways.  I am a planner.  I want to know the next step so that I can be forever prepared for it.  My doctor’s order to relax being attached to a 6 month treatment plan was a bit of a wake up for me.  This is going to be a long term struggle.  Not a quick fix solution.  The sooner I accept that, the better off I will be.  I feel like I am constantly accepting and rejecting this idea; that I don’t know what comes next and I have to have faith that things are happening exactly as they are supposed to be. 

Along with giving up planning, I have had to give up some day dreaming.  I am trying to face the reality that we may not get pregnant.  We may not be able to have the family we always dreamed we would have.  I know this means that I have to figure out what that means for us and for our dreams of the future.  Luckily, I have an amazing partner that I share my life with and I know that we will make whatever happens not just work, but be just amazing. 

This entry sounds a bit depressing, but really I don’t feel sad at all tonight.  An amazing thing happened when we took away the distractions of day dreaming, planning, and entertaining… we settled into our routine and we have been able to really enjoy every moment of this month.  We have had wonderful time together.  We have explored more options for our lives and been able to widen our focus to include more than just baby-making.  It has been a beautiful month.  I am looking forward to next month even! 

Tonight I am just relaxing while Doc is working.  I’ve got II Tone Def  playing while I type.  Good music always helps me relax and feel good about the moment.  J

January 17, 2012 – Operation Relaxation

Operation relaxation is underway.  So far, so good! Most of the changes to our lifestyle and even our schedule have become so ingrained in us that we really don’t need to constantly look a the calendar in order to stay on track.  We are just trying to enjoy each other and enjoy the time we have together.  It has been lovely.  During the day I avoid watching baby shows or anything else that will have me day dreaming or planning.  Thankfully I have great girl friends that help me stay distracted.  I’ve got an appointment on the 27^th to have my progesterone checked and then if we make it to 35 days we will take a pregnancy test.  Since that won’t happen until next month we are living in the blissful moment. 

The side effects have been a bit different this month.  I had hormonal headaches during the first 5 days and became a little nauseous last night.  I think the nausea may have been part of a virus Doc brought home though.  I woke up with a throat on fire, so I am pretty sure that is to blame.  The joys of being married to a pediatrician!  He brings me home a little virus at least once a month.  The lightened side effects are helping me to stay distracted, so I hope they stay light!  Maybe my doctor was right and my side effects last month were just a sign of changing hormonal balances, which is a good thing.   Who knew doctors were so smart? J

January 9, 2011 – Repeat Until Pregnant

I am starting another dose of Clomid today.  After talking to my doctor and doing some additional research, we decided it was the best move.  Most women with mild endometriosis conceive on Clomid within 5 months.  I don’t know if I will make it 5 months, but it is worth another try.  If we haven’t been able to conceive after 6 months on Clomid, we will be classified as Clomid infertile… that just means we will be going with IVF.  IVF is terrifying for a number of reasons (daily shots are just one).  The biggest question is whether or not we will be able to afford it.  The doctor told us it would be around $15,000!  We are starting to save, but we may not be able to make that work.  Although the residency program would help pay for the procedure (have I mentioned how deep my love is for this program), we would still need to pay the doctor and pay for all the meds, which is the bulk of the bill.  Honestly, if I had the money I might be tempted to jump ahead and do IVF now rather than face another Clomid month… but I am sure there is a reason we are going through this journey, so I am trying to be patient.  

I am also still under orders to relax.  So, it is time to put away these future worries.  I will continue to save any extra cash that comes our way, but otherwise I am not going to worry about IVF or 5 more Clomid months.  Instead I am making sure that I have plenty of time to relax and take care of myself.  We have a couple of parties and benefits planned this month, but otherwise we cleared the schedule.  No visitors this month, because having company (even people you love) can be stressful.  This will be the first month since our move that we haven’t entertained company at least once!  I learned last month that entertaining company while sick from Clomid was more stressful than it was fun.  There is nothing worse than knowing people are waiting on you while you are sick in the bathroom or trying to make dinner while nauseous.  Hearing through the grapevine that people thought you were rude for the amount of time spent in the bathroom is just more stress that I don’t need.  So, no to visitors this month.  No to traveling this month.  We are homebound and loving it!  Doc and I have always loved hiding away together, watching movies, and ordering Chinese food… so here is to a month of our favorite activity! J

January 05, 2011 – Ready… Set… Relax!

My appointment went well.  Apparently my blood work was great.  They know I am having strong ovulations and they were pleased with my potential for pregnancy.  My ovaries were also handling the increased ovulation well.  The doctor was overall very pleased and encouraging.  I explained my side effects with Clomid and he even seemed pleased with that.  He said he believes the side effects are signs of positive change in my hormones which are making me more fertile. 

The doctor wants to continue on our current course.  He made only one change to his orders; I have to relax.  He reminded me that we are the most fertile when we are relaxed and that I need to stop worrying and stressing over not getting pregnant.  In order to achieve this goal I am not allowed to take any more pregnancy tests unless I reach day 35 of a cycle.  I am currently on day 30, so I have 5 days to relax.  If/when my period starts I am to call the office and let them know and they will order my meds.  Then when I hit day 21 I will go for blood work and we start the cycle all over again…. Repeat until pregnant. 

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I adore my husband.  While he wasn’t able to be at the appointment with me, Doc was waiting to hear the news.  I called him and told him what the doctor said and his response was, “I think a new couch would help with the relaxing.”  Now I am not normally a fan of spending money (because we don’t have it to spend), but I love that his first thought was to make our home more comfortable so I could relax.  When we moved we didn’t have room for our old couch and have had a loveseat and recliner instead, but I have really missed having a couch.  We talked about buying one, but I have been dragging my feet because I don’t like spending money!  We have to save when we want big expenses and buying something like a couch means we put off buying other things.  I don’t know if I will actually go buy a couch, but I may go “relax” at Nebraska Furniture Mart to see if I see anything I like! 

Doc has just been amazing through all of this.  I feel like we have gotten even closer during this struggle.  I am amazed because he has to deal with the crazy that is me on a daily basis and he keeps coming home with a smile, so maybe he is a little crazy himself.  Last night he came home early and we had a quiet evening together.  He told me to stop stressing myself out about relaxing and to try and have some fun.  2 doctors in 1 day tell me to chill out, guess I should listen!  I am not saying Doc is perfect, he is far from perfect (as am I), but how he manages this struggle is pretty awesome.  I know he is just as anxious to start our family, but he doesn’t put pressure on me about it.  He does his best to make this a fun journey.  He is going to be an awesome dad.  I can’t wait for the day when I get to tell him “we’re pregnant!”  J

January 03, 2011 – Day 28

I had the most vivid dream last night that I had a positive pregnancy test.  When I woke up I took one and got a negative.  I am starting to really hate those dreams.  I don’t think we were successful this month and am already starting to deal with the feelings that come with that.  The disappointment seems even greater after struggling with the Clomid side effects all month.  I told Doc that I could easily talk myself into doing something uncomfortable if I knew it would be successful, but the reality of our situation is that I could torture myself for months and we could still be unsuccessful.  Doc and I have talked a lot about how we will continue if we were unsuccessful.  It left me with a lot of questions for my doctor. 

I have my doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the appointment.  The office never called with the results of my blood work, so I’m nervous that they found something that will make us change course all together.  Of course, the staff seems less than reliable in my doctor’s office; I have considered finding another doctor but OB offices are notoriously busy, and he is one of the best.  I try not to make decisions when I feel this many emotions as I rarely make good emotional decisions.  

Unfortunately, Doc is working inpatient this month and doing additional training on the new computer systems for the hospital, so I won’t see much of him.  We have had extensive talks about whether or not we have enough time to give it a good try this month or if we should put off trying this month.  We are both in favor of trying, but it is hard for me to want to sign up for another dose of Clomid knowing he might be gone or too tired to really try.  It also means that he can’t go to the appointment with me and hear what the doctor says about all the side effects I experienced and about what our other options are.  I always hate it when he has to miss all the information. 

My plan is to go to my appointment with my questions ready and to be open to hearing everything the doctor has to say, even the parts that I find difficult to hear.  I don’t know if I will be taking Clomid again, or another drug, or if we will be trying something new all together.  I have to go in with an open mind and know that we all have the same goal in the end, and that my doctor is doing his best to help us reach that goal.