June 29, 2013 – Post-Op

I am now 5 days post-op and doing well.  The surgery went very well.  In fact the doctor was unable to find any endometriosis!  We had pictures from my last laparoscopy so my doctor could see where the endometriosis was and then he printed us new pictures to show us it is nowhere to be found now!  I haven’t had a chance to talk to my doctor about this little miracle.  I was under the impression that once they found it you would always have it.  This is excellent news in the land of infertility where endometriosis can cause big problems.  However, this leaves us all a bit more stumped as to why we are having so much trouble getting pregnant!  I didn't get a chance to talk to my doctor post-op as he had to hurry back to see his clinic patients and I was very busy sleeping.  However, he did talk to Doc.  His basic assessment was that all things being equal we should be pregnant.  Doc’s sperm count and morphology are good.  I appear to be healthy.  We should be pregnant.  But we aren't.  So now what?

The doctor did say that stress (even the stress of trying to have a baby) can cause difficulty getting pregnant.  So once again I am being given the order to chill out.  He also pointed out that we aren’t exactly living the stress free life style with Doc in residency and all the scary things that have happened during our efforts to start a family.  Despite what the general population thinks doctors work long, hard hours, and they are not rewarded with a magic pot of gold for doing so.  I stay home because we live on a very tight budget not because we are rolling in dough.  So, the doctor ordered us to take a vacation, have some fun, and not worry about the baby making thing for a bit.  This sounds good in theory, but we haven’t had a real vacation in years.  Doc doesn’t exactly have loads of free time and we don’t have tons (or any) disposable income.  So, it will have to wait.  And honestly, Doc and I are enjoying the non-scheduled time we have together.  Ritualized, forced sex just isn’t as intimate as we would like it to be and we believe that sex should be an enjoyable activity in a marriage.  So for the time being we are taking a break from worrying, counting, stressing, micro-managing our fertility desires.  For the time being we are just going to enjoy each other.  We are blessed to be married to our best friend.  We are blessed to get to spend the time we do together and really enjoy each other’s company.  So, for the time being that is what we will focus on.  Maybe in a couple of months we will take it more seriously again, but for now we are good with a break. 

We are currently managing to get our regular baby fix by being an Auntie and Uncle to my dear friend’s baby girl.  She brings so much joy into our lives and we are so thankful to get to spend so much time with her.  She is at that age where she can express that she is excited to see us (although not in words) and we just love singing and playing with her.  She reminds us that our lives with always include children, because it is just a part of who we are. 

In other words, once again I find myself counting our blessings, which doesn’t leave me much time to mope about what we don’t have.  Do we still want children?  Absolutely!  But this is the life we have and we can choose to enjoy it for what it is or be miserable because of what it isn’t.  I choose to be happy for all the amazing blessings in our life and to let go of the things that are out of my control.  Life is short and God only gives us the one to live.  We should always focus on being grateful for the things we do have, instead of being sour about the things we don’t.  It takes the same amount of energy but has vastly different results.  J

June 23, 2013 – Pre-Op

I go in for my exploratory laparoscopy tomorrow.  I am surrounded by doctors who know that this procedure is so routine and easy that there is nothing to worry about.  But since I am going to be the one giving up my control and laying naked and unconscious on a table while a very talent and smart man roams around in my abdomen; I have decided it is okay to be nervous.  Because although I too know it is a routine and easy procedure, I also have the unfortunate knowledge that crazy and unexpected things can happen during routine procedures.  So, I am nervous and trying very hard to just not worry about it.  Distraction is a wonderful thing!  My sweet doctor noticed my nerves during our pre-op appointment while we were going over the ‘here are all the horrible things that could happen’ consent.  He stopped in the middle to say, “You know, if the hospital blows up we will both probably die.”  It made me laugh and remember that there are so many things out of my control that there really isn’t much sense in me worrying about the what-ifs.  I love my doctor. 

Thankfully Doc will be able to be there for the procedure.  Despite the hospital’s best attempts to get him to work instead; he has informed them that he will not be working and will be staying with me.  We scheduled the surgery for one of Doc’s rare days off.  He had Monday and Tuesday off for this week and we decided that Monday would be best so he could spend an extra day with me post-op (we don’t know what news we will have to think over and discuss).  My doctor scheduled me on his non-surgical day to accommodate Doc’s schedule, which means he is literally running over from his office during his lunch hour to perform surgery for me.  Then last week Doc gets an email informing him the schedule for intern orientation (welcoming the new docs to residency) has been moved from Wednesday to Monday.  Well, this year’s intern class will just have to wait to be greeted by this year’s chief resident, because I called dib’s and I was here first!  I did let Doc know I was okay with him going to work before or after the surgery if he really needed to, but he just told them he needed to be home.  I am really glad he will be home with me, because I always feel better when he is around! 

I have spent this weekend preparing to be unavailable this week; cleaning and cooking and making sure all the bills are paid.  The nurse said post-op I will not be allowed to pick up anything over 10 pounds for a least a few days, possibly longer depending on what they find.  That means I had to give up my 2 days watching my dear friend’s baby this week L.  The baby that was born in February has become my sweet companion a couple of times a week while her parents work.  She is a joy to have, even on her worst days, and always brings a smile to my face.  So having to give up those days is a very sad thing for me.  But I am sure I will still see her this week as her mother and I rarely go very long without spending some time together.  We will be back to our regular schedule after this week.  J I am still not quite sure what I will do with myself having a few days “off” with orders to be chill and recover.  For a “stay at home” spouse I am rarely home and my schedule is rarely empty, so I may go a little nuts with even a few days of nothing.  

June 3rd, 2013 - New Horizons

Doc and I have had a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make.  We took some time to make sure that we gave the decisions the time and energy that they deserve.  We still haven’t come up with all the answers.  It is amazing how much energy trying has taken and how much better we both feel being away from that cycle.  That being said, we still know we would like to have a family. 

The first decision we made was that we will not be going back to the fertility clinic we had been using.  We both hate them.  The doctor had no bedside manner, something I find to be incredibly important in a doctor.  Basically he was a douche bag.  He never examined me, never attended any procedures to make sure things were done properly and didn’t order any follow up blood work or examinations to ensure the meds were working without doing harm.  I am not even sure he ever really read my chart.  He was not a good doctor, I don’t care how close to the top of his class he graduated he sucked.  By the way we know a lot of doctors who were top of their class; they all suffer from the same lack of social skills/douche baggery.  Then there were the nurses.  I am pretty sure that I could charge at least one of them with rape.  Not something I would joke about.  She was a rapist nurse.  She did awesome things like removed a speculum without collapsing it, and of course it was the biggest speculum she could find!  She also repeatedly injured my cervix which caused some serious pain and spotting that would last a day or more.  When the procedure is done well on me there is no spotting and no pain.  I have a perfectly centered cervix that is soft and malleable.  People could teach on my cervix and yet every time I had her it was torture.   Regardless, they won’t be making any more money off of us and I won’t have to be tortured by them anymore.  Yay!!!  And no, I wouldn’t recommend them. 

As excited as I was about this decision it did leave us with another dilemma; where will we go if we don’t go there?  The answer wasn’t as simple.  My OB/GYN was stumped on this one too.  The best doctor he knew for infertility had retired and it has left us with a hole that the above jerks have happily filled.  So, I hit the web looking for the best clinics in the country.  Then within a 24 hour period I had 2 different friends, who have never met, recommend a clinic in Colorado to me.  The recommendation came attached to success stories for doctors at our hospital that had used them!  So of course I checked them out.  They have the highest success rates in the country!  You can check out success rates at http://www.sart.org/find_frm.html  all fertility clinics are required to submit them.  Their success rate is nearly double that of the clinic we had been to.  The only problem is the price tag for treatment is nearly double what we were paying and requires us to be able to travel to them a few days a month.  Obviously, we can’t afford that and Doc has almost no say in his schedule to plan for last minute trips.  So, we will have to put that idea on hold.  Regardless, we will not be going back to the clinic here.  They were awful! 

In the meantime we decided to go ahead with an exploratory laparoscopy.  Basically, we are going to let my OB/GYN go roaming around my lower abdomen to see if everything looks healthy.  I had one when I was 20 and had some endometriosis burned off, but apparently times have changed.  My doctor will remove any endometriosis that he finds rather than burn it.  I am hopeful that the surgery might give us some answers, but I am also terrified that I won’t like those answers.  I am having the procedure done at the end of the month.  My doctor scheduled me over his noon hour which was very sweet of him.  He fit me in on his non surgery day so that Doc could be there.  He really understands our position.  I really appreciate him doing so much for us.  When I called to talk over our options with him he was very understanding of why we didn’t like the fertility clinic we were going to.  He also said he would be willing to manage our care should we decide to use a clinic that was out of state.  I love my doctors here.  My dream is that together we all figure out what is going on and Doc and I are able to get pregnant without further intervention.  Maybe the surgery will give us that, maybe it will steer us in a new direction, maybe it will just leave us all scratching our heads even more.  The truth is the only way to know for sure is to go through with it.  So, I scheduled my dreaded surgery on one of Doc’s rare days off.  Wish us luck!