On Tuesday evening I had a mucous discharge. Super gross, right? I thought so.
As promised, I called my doctor’s office about it. They called me back and said the doctor
wanted to see me. The big concern was,
of course, infection. I knew I didn’t
have an infection; no fever, no chills, no odor. We have only had protected
sex, so no new pregnancy to worry about either.
My doctor is being cautious and I appreciate that.
When I arrived the office was full of very young, very pregnant ladies. Many of whom had several children in tow. It was depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for everyone who is able to have children, but following my recent nightmare it is hard to be around things that remind me so much of what we lost. Thankfully the nurse saw me, checked me in, and got me out of the waiting room quickly. She also gave me my current lab results; my HCG is now at 9. It is still dropping, which is good, but I was really hoping for 0. We can’t be done with this nightmare until it is 0 for 3 months. Until then I get to spend every day worried that I have a new nightmare waiting just around the corner.
When I arrived the office was full of very young, very pregnant ladies. Many of whom had several children in tow. It was depressing. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for everyone who is able to have children, but following my recent nightmare it is hard to be around things that remind me so much of what we lost. Thankfully the nurse saw me, checked me in, and got me out of the waiting room quickly. She also gave me my current lab results; my HCG is now at 9. It is still dropping, which is good, but I was really hoping for 0. We can’t be done with this nightmare until it is 0 for 3 months. Until then I get to spend every day worried that I have a new nightmare waiting just around the corner.
My doctor checked me, everything looks good. I am tender, but that is to be expected. He actually thinks I should be having a
period in the next week. I haven’t had a
period since January, so I am actually looking forward to it. It will be a sign of normalcy returning. I am supposed to call and let them know when
I finally get a period. I think my
doctor will be happy to see signs of normalcy returning as well. This has been hard for all of us.
Obviously, I am still dealing with the emotional upheaval of
the last few months. My hormones don’t
help that situation. Another factor
which is making life more difficult is the impending arrival of Mother’s
day. The mere mention of which has me in
tears. Again, I am not unhappy for all
of the amazing moms I know, and I know a lot of really great moms. It is just that I feel so empty when I see a
commercial or ad for Mother’s day. It
just reminds me that I lost our baby. It
reminds me that as of April I have been on prenatal vitamins for a year in preparation
for pregnancy. July marks a solid year
of trying and failing to start a family.
It is all just so hard to handle.
I know my hormones are helping to exaggerate my feelings, but it is
still hard.
It is also hard to know what to say when people ask how we
are doing. As a therapist I know that a lot
of mental health issues could be avoided if people just talked about real stuff
that was going on with them. However, in
practice I have noticed that talking about our situation silences a room in a
hurry. People don’t know what to say in
response to our reality. Having to smile
and say everything is just fine just makes me feel lonelier. I would rather people not ask if they don’t
want to know. People want to know it is
over, which is understandable. However,
the problem is that it isn’t over. The
reality is that it won’t be over for at least 3 months, possibly much
longer. The problem is that even when we
do get pregnant again it won’t be the same.
How am I supposed to get excited about it again after everything we have
been through?
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