April 26, 2012 - Clearing The Air

Today I had my post-op follow up appointment with my OB.  I had been feeling a little tense about it because it would be the first time we had a chance to speak since the big emergency surgery.  The one thing I knew I wanted to say was “thank you!”  I decided to bake some cookies for my doctor, his nurse, and my internist.  I wrote each person a thank you note to go with the cookies that expressed how thankful I was to have them all in my life. 

The nurse was so excited to be included.  Nurses do so much and are so rarely thanked, so if you have a nurse that does something kind for you, please say thank you.  If you are too ill to do it right at that moment, do it when you feel better.  It will always be appreciated.  The nurse also told me how impressed she was with my husband.  She said that they see a lot of husbands, but mine was so compassionate and intuitive.  I had to smile and did explain that he is also a doctor, so he had a good idea of what was going on.  She laughed and said that explained some of it.  Doc is a heartbreaker; thank God he doesn’t know it! 

It’s a strange thing to be on both sides of the coin, to be the patient and to also know what the doctors go through.  I know literally dozens of doctors, and not one of them goes to work hoping to see a patient bleeding out on their table.  Not a one.  Nearly every doctor I know says a little prayer each day that they will be wise in their decisions and be able to help improve the lives of their patients.  Complications happen.  Bad things happen and bodies don’t all react in the same way.  Doctors have to face the horror of what happens when things go wrong.  It is their own personal nightmare and then it is followed by the fear of being sued or hated as someone who ruined another person’s life.  It is very stressful to be the doctor.  To be the patient is terrifying and stressful in its own way, but at least when you are the patient you have the sympathy of friends and family.  Your pain is obvious and visible.  The doctor just gets to see the next patient and hope for better outcomes.  It is hard to be the doctor.  They are just people after all, although that can be easy to forget.  Even I forget that my doctors are just people, and I am married to a doctor!  I have no trouble remembering my husband is just a person, I’ve known him since he was 20, turning 21 together will forever remind me that he is just a person.  But somehow the expectations for physicians seem to be higher than it is for other people.  They shouldn’t be so human.  Well, that is just silly!  They are human, they have families, lives, and they laugh at fart jokes just like the rest of us.  They are doing a job and it is harder than most jobs and it has far greater consequences than most jobs and they love their jobs, but they also have fear in their lives that most of us live without.  Most of us (including me now that I am no longer working) don’t have to worry about being sued or making a decision that costs someone their life.  We never have to think about things like that. 

So I decided that today I would let my doctor know how much I appreciate the work he has done for us and that I understand it has been scary for him as well.  This decision led to one of the loveliest talks I have had with my physician.  I let him know that I understood how unforeseen all of my complications were and how they must have been just as scary for him as they were for us.  I admitted my part in creating an emergency.  Yep, I had a part.  I don’t express pain in the same way that 99% of the population does.  It is hard for them to know I am in pain and scared because I am very calm when explaining things.  By the time I look upset it has become an emergency.  This makes their job harder.  I let him know how I planned to fix this; from now on I will call either he or my internist with changes.  They are very good at talking to each other, so I don’t have to worry that important information is getting lost. 

My doctor told me it was scary for him.  It is common for people in healthcare to have everything under the sun go wrong.  He said that because I am who I am and my husband is who he is, we are bound to have trouble and they will be ready for it now.  He told me that he hopes we won’t give up on having children.  This meant a lot to me.  I told him when I am pregnant again I will be a crazy person and in his office every week.  He told me he would be very happy with that.  

This conversation may not seem like a lot, but it meant so much to me.  It meant that we could have conversations like this and that he was listening to what I had to say.  It means we can continue to work as a team and that we will work well as a team.  This is important to me.  Getting pregnant is a struggle for us, but we don’t want to give up, and we need our doctor to be on our team.  We can’t have fear be a part of our team, so we needed to talk about everything. 

After we worked these things out we got back to the business of today’s visit.  My post-op check up.  Things look good!  The bleeding is irregular, but he said that may be the case for the next 2 months while my hormones adjust.  I told him I am super cranky, and he said that was a good thing because it means my hormones are getting back on track.  My pathology results came back and were unremarkable, which means they found only products of conception… NO CANCER!!!   We can start having sex again, but we have to use protection for the next 3 months.  My HCG is down to 15 and as soon as it hits zero I will be able to go to monthly draws.  Until then I am still getting weekly blood draws.  It was a lot of good news. 

As my doctor left he took my hand and I saw him loose his words.  He gave me a look of supreme relief and gratitude.  I think clearing the air meant as much to him as it did me.  No one wants to live with tension or worry.  I know my doctor is doing his very best work for me, and it is important that he know I understand that.  It is important that he still feels confident in his decisions and choices.  A doctor that is scared can’t do their best work.  They can’t be bold or innovative if they are afraid to make any new moves.  I don’t want that.  I want a doctor that knows my end goal and is on board with getting there by any means necessary.  I want a doctor I can trust, which I have.  We have had horrible side effects and complications; those were not my doctor’s fault.  They just happen.  There isn’t anyone to get mad at or blame.