May 23, 2012 – Normalcy

For the first time in 2 months I forgot to get up and go to the lab for my HCG draw.  It was nearly one before I realized I had forgotten.  I am taking this as a wonderful sign; because for the first time in 2 months this pregnancy and loss weren’t the first things on my mind when I woke.  Instead I ate breakfast, checked facebook, responded to texts and emails, and paid bills.  My old routine.  Things are finally beginning to settle. 

Last week my HCG was a 4, which is technically negative for pregnancy.  The nurse said a period should be forthcoming and then I should be 0 by today.  Friday I had my first period since January.  For my entire life I have thought, “wouldn’t it be nice to not have to worry about periods.”  It turns out the answer is “no”.  Periods are a sign of health.  It is amazing how this change in my thoughts affected my perception of the event.   

 As my hormones have settled, I feel like I am returning to my previous self.  It is very good to be back.  Doc is still struggling with everything that has happened.  I think this is mostly because his work requires him to be focused on others and it leaves no time for him to think about his own situation.  He has had 3 intense rotations while also facing 3 months of very difficult challenges in his personal life.  He has a lot to process and hasn’t had much time to deal with it.  This manifests itself in a bad mood.  I can’t blame him.  We desperately need some “us” time to deal with everything that has happened and to reset our course.  Thankfully he has 6 days off starting tomorrow.  We will be unplugging (as much as we can while he still has to study for boards) and reconnecting as a couple.  Forgive us if we disappear or seem unavailable during this time, we love you all, but we have to put our family first.  It is time for us to finish processing everything that has happened so we can put away these emotions and move on.  So that when we start trying in August we can enjoy the experience.  J