April 04, 2012 – The Pity Party

I give up.  Today I have reached my maximum ability to cope.  It has been 23 days since I found out we lost our baby.  It has been 14 days since the surgery to remove tissue for testing.  I have spent 14 days dealing with cramps and bleeding.  I am emotionally and physically exhausted.  Today my doctor informs me that my body still hasn’t really figured out that I am no longer pregnant.  What does that mean?  It means that I still test positive for pregnancy and that my body is retaining tissue from the pregnancy.  It also means we are nowhere near done, and I really need to be done.  We can’t see the new specialist or even begin working towards trying again until my body is healed, but it hasn’t even acknowledged that I am no longer pregnant!  Which brings me to my current state of being; a bawling mess. 

It is time for a pity party.  I don’t normally do public pity parties; I am more of a turn off the phone, stock up on junk food, and watch sad movies girl.  So, why the public notice?  Because I am trying to show all sides of this struggle, and I believe that part of being a healthy person is acknowledging when we have reached our limits. I am at my limit.  I still believe things will be better in the future, I am still going to keep trying and working towards having a family, but for today I am done.  I am done moving forward.  Just for today I am going to sit down and just have myself a good cry.  I am giving myself permission to just be sad and grieve the loss, because it is what I need to do to restore myself for tomorrow.  Tomorrow will bring another challenge and I need to be ready to face it.  So for today I am giving myself permission to be sad, pissy, and to disconnect from the world.