May 03, 2014 – The Mommy Wars

    I have been coming across something more and more frequently and assume as I continue to write my blog it will only get worse, so I feel like it is time to address it: The Mommy Wars.  This is a war of women against women over how to raise children.  It is a battle that serves only to inflate egos and divide women (reducing the amount of support available).  It is the separation of moms into subcategories and pitting them against one another; breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, cloth diaper vs. disposable, schedulers vs. child directed care, stay-at-home vs. working mom, day care vs. personalized care, home schooled vs public vs. private.  At first glance it would seem that these subgroups would allow moms to find like-minded people from whom to gain support.   However, that isn’t where it ends.  It becomes a hot topic debate that divides moms against moms.  She isn’t a good mom because she does things differently than I do.  Why does this battle happen?  Simply put the ego. 

    The most well defended belief I have ever come across in women is that of “I am a good mother”.  This belief is so strongly defended that I have worked with moms who literally treated their children worse than I would treat a rabid dog and yet heard them repeat over and over again that they were a good mom.  Their proof?  They could list the dozens of ways that they hadn’t wronged their children by comparing themselves to other moms they knew of or their own mom, effectively elevating themselves by putting down another mother’s decision.  So yes, they sold their child into prostitution, but they also kept them fed and this makes them a better mom than the mom who refused to do anything and let her kids starve.  It is a completely distorted logic provided to defend her ego against the thought that she has harmed her child or done less than her best for her child.  Looking at it in this extreme example it seems easy to see how dysfunctional this defense mechanism is, yet we all use it to defend our egos in the very same way.  Of course when we use this defense mechanism it isn’t usually to this extreme, but we are using it for the same purpose.  We let mom guilt take over because we feel like we are letting our children down in some way, so we over compensate with the defense of the ways in which we are being a good mother.  We even take these nuggets of guilt and build them up in defense of our ego.  For example Doc and I have discussed allowing our son to attend daycare 2 days a week.  The main reason is so that I have some adult time away from our son.  The longer we sit with this idea though the more likely we are to start defending it as the “right” option.  Daycare will provide good socialization, exposure to germs, it will expose him to a new place with new rules… all of which defend my ego against the guilty thought of “I am a human being who needs time away from my son to focus on my selfish self.”  My initial reason for considering daycare was a valid and sufficient one for placing my son in daycare (still haven’t committed to this), however mom guilt tells me how selfish I am for not wanting to be with my son always.  Don’t I love him more than anything?  And then the thought that I am being a bad mom creeps in and in order to defend my preciously held belief that I am a good mom I begin working on new reasons for my son to attend daycare, ones that sound like it is for his benefit.  Now, if I wanted to participate in the mommy wars I would take this one step further: I would begin to condemn and look down upon mothers who choose to spend all of their time with their children.  Doesn’t she have a life… doesn’t she want him to have better social skills… look at how much better I am at being a mom because I made the decision to allow my son to go to daycare for 2 days a week.  Meanwhile those who choose to keep their kiddos with them defend their choice by pointing out what a selfish person I am and they feel sorry for my son because his mom doesn’t enjoy being a mom enough to do it every day.  See how the mommy wars go?  They divide us instantly.  All so we can defend our egos which really don’t require this much defending because most of the choices we make are really not going to make or break our kids.

    So how do I combat my ego’s desire to participate in the mommy wars?  The first thing I do is acknowledge that every mom (or parent) is doing the very best that they can with their experience, knowledge, skills, and available resources.  I have had so many people argue with me that this is a false premise, but I have never had anyone give me an example of how it is false.  That mom that treated her child like a dog?  She was doing her best considering her extreme mental illness, upbringing, situation, and resources.  Was it my best?  No, but it was her best.  Does that make it okay?  No, but it was her best.  Can she do better?  Yes, if she is given the proper tools (treatment, medications, behavioral plans, skill sets).  See how this works?  You can acknowledge that someone is doing their best and still not be okay with the outcome.  The acceptance of this premise helps to take away our instant hatred of other parents and replace it with compassion, which is what allows us to connect with and help one another.  The second benefit of this premise is that you are also doing your best with your situation, skills, and resources.  This helps to alleviate the need to justify your decisions and choices which means your ego isn’t threatened and you don’t need to participate in the mommy wars!  Peace will reign in the parenting kingdom! 

    I also try and call myself on it when I am being judgmental.  This means owning it when I find myself looking down on someone else’s choice and reminding myself that they are doing their best and that I don’t have all the information that went into their decision making process.  It also means having an open dialogue with the people around me so they can help me avoid participation in the battle against other parents. 

    Finally, I have to acknowledge that my decisions are just my opinions on how to handle a situation and it isn’t any better than anyone else’s.  I may have a lot of experience and education guiding my choices, but really what that education and experience has taught me is that there is no one right way to raise a child.  Amazing people come from a variety of situations and my choice of diaper really won’t be what inspires my son to be a great man. 

    So this entry is me waving the white flag.  I don’t want to participate in the mommy wars.  I plan to share my opinions in this blog, but they are not the only opinions in the world no matter how strongly I may state them.  My hope is that by sharing what works and doesn’t for us it will help other parents find more enjoyable ways to share their lives with their children.  Just because I schedule, breastfeed, and diaper with disposables doesn’t mean I look down on those who choose a different route.  I don’t consider myself to be a better mom for my choices; it is just that these are the choices that work best for me.  I know so many amazing moms and they all do it so very differently from one another and it seems to work for them and their children.  I know great working moms, bottle feeding moms, cloth diapering moms, organic moms and so many other kinds of great moms.  And their success as a mom in no way affects how I feel about the kind of mom I am.  We are all doing our best with the information, skills, and resources available to us and since we have decided that it is okay to do it differently from one another we can all be supportive of each other as moms, which gives us a whole new layer of defense for that most preciously held belief, “I am a good mom.”