Note: This blog is a bit on the self-indulgent side, but seeing as it is my blog, I’ll allow it. J
Most people don’t know what it is like to have struggled with a long-term goal. By long term, I mean taking longer than 4 years to complete (note this says most, I am fortunate to know a lot of amazing people who have achieved this task and am not discounting them, but they are in a rare group unto themselves in our country as a whole). Most people won’t ever know what it is like to work at the same goal, everyday, for 10 years. They won’t know what it is like to sacrifice and struggle for 10 years in the hopes of attaining 1 goal. Most people won’t know what it is like to do these things for themselves, much less to have done them for someone else’s goal. I do. From the moment Doc decided to become Doc, it took sacrifices on both our parts. It took both of us to achieve this goal. It took both of us working, saving, struggling, and borrowing nearly 1 million dollars (payoff amount, not actually the amount borrowed) over 10 years to obtain this single goal. And we still aren’t done. So, what does this have to do with being grateful and our current situation? It is the story of how I learned to be truly grateful, for every small gift I have been given in this lifetime, and how I will survive the loss of our second child.
About 4 years into the sacrificing and struggling I began to feel exhausted. Feeling like I was working so hard, every day, and not seeing any benefit from my work made me sad, angry, and bitter and every day brought more work and still no benefit. Every day was filled with crummy chores and tasks to accomplish: pay bills (with no money), study for classes, go to work, do research… It felt like it was never going to end, and to be fair the end wasn’t anywhere in site. Then Doc got into medical school, and suddenly we needed to move. I left the graduate program I was in, which really was for the best, as it was making me miserable, and I had to start a new graduate program which was hopefully going to be a better fit for me. However, the problem was it was more than an hour away from the medical school Doc was attending. That was problem 1. Problem 2 was that it wasn’t a PhD program, so I knew I was sacrificing my own goal for that of my husband’s. (Actually, I didn’t learn that until later. I was still young enough that I thought I would have plenty of energy and drive when Doc was done and I would complete my PhD at that time. Dumb.) The 3rd problem was figuring out how to not give up on all of my personal goals and still manage to support us for the next four years. Any money Doc earned during medical school would be taken directly out of his student aid from the school, so if he worked it wouldn’t really benefit us. I was offered a job through my graduate program, and I took it. Within a few months of us both starting school it became clear that the additional aid from this job wasn’t going to be enough. The drive to school alone was sucking down a fortune, despite my Civic’s excellent gas mileage. I got a second job, working holidays, weekends and overnights (eventually I would take on a third job while in grad school, but you get the point). We were managing, but not comfortably and I was becoming increasingly bitter at my daily struggle. I was becoming depressed, angry, and just more miserable every day. I would look around at my classmates and be jealous that none of them had to work. They had parties on the weekends, I had 16 hour shifts. They always had the readings done and were always prepared, I felt like I was always playing catch up. It was an awful place to be and I didn’t want to be there any more. I wanted to be happy.
I started to change all of that by reminding myself that life is full of lessons and that in this struggle was a lesson to be learned. I believe that when life gets really hard, it is usually because I am ignoring whatever lesson God has planned for me and the moment I figure out what it is, things seem to get better. I knew part of my problem was that I was focusing on what others had, without considering what they were giving up to have it or the struggles they were facing. I was entirely too focused on other people. It had to stop.
I wrote myself a simple reminder on a sticky note and stuck it to my mirror where I would see it every morning and every evening as I brushed my teeth. It simply said, “Be Grateful”. I challenged myself to find something to be grateful about every time I looked at it. It was hard at first, but eventually it became a mantra. My 16 hour shift turned into an 18 hour shift? “I am grateful to have a job when so many others do not.” Dog needs a $2,000 hip replacement surgery? “I am grateful for the joy she gives me every day, and that we have access to such amazing vets to treat her. I am grateful that I have a credit card with that much space on it.” Stuck in traffic after already putting in more than 80 hours this week? “I am grateful to have a car to drive. I am grateful to have a place to be going home to. I am grateful that my bladder isn’t full. I am grateful for the song on the radio and the extra time to jam all by myself.”
Slowly, this simple act of being grateful changed my life. It became a way of life. It made it easy for me to not focus on others and instead for me to give my life the attention it deserved. It made me see that jealousy is a wasteful and pointless emotion. You can’t be jealous of one thing in someone’s life; you have to be jealous of everything in their life because the good things don’t come without the bad. Everyone has struggles to face. And best of all, it made it impossible for me to feel bitter, angry, and put upon by my situation, because I acknowledged that my situation was a choice I made and I was grateful to have the choice to make.
So, how did this life lesson and change in perspective gain entry into a blog about infertility? Every moment since our sonogram I have been finding reasons to be grateful and tonight when I was awoken with cramping, nausea, and a hot flash so bad I had soaked my bed sheets in a room that is 67 degrees and the thoughts started rolling through my head: “I am waiting for my body to expel our second child. I am a mother with no child. I am heartbroken.” At 3am, as I put down a towel to lie on, so that I could try and sleep (because being able to sleep through this would be easier), I found a way to be grateful. I began listing all of the things I am grateful for to myself:
I am grateful that the sonogram tech was so compassionate. I am grateful that our doctor struggled to control his emotions as we cried in his office because it made us feel like a team. I am grateful that Doc was there with me. I am grateful that he has been within arms reach for 2 whole days. I am grateful that the residency gave him time off to be with me. I am grateful that they didn’t make getting that time off into a battle between family and career, they just let me win. I am grateful that my dogs lay on my legs for the past 2 nights as I tried to sleep, just so I would know I am not alone. I am grateful that I have my internist’s cell number so I didn’t have to call the office staff and explain to them what happened. I am grateful that she cared so much that in the middle of her busy day she cried with me over the loss. I am grateful for the amazing outpouring of support that our friends and family have provided. I am grateful that we were not further along and that our child did not suffer. I am grateful for 2 amazing pregnant months, I know it is more than some get. I am grateful that I have such an amazing husband. I am grateful I am not alone. I am grateful that I know what it feels like to be a mother and that Doc knows what it feels like to be a father. I am grateful for our amazing medical team. I am grateful for the addition of another member to that team. I am grateful that I have better medical care than Oprah and that our child will have better medical care than Paris
And finally, the thing that shot me out of bed to write this down? I am grateful for the 10 year, still on going, struggle that we have had, because without it I wouldn’t know how to be grateful and loosing our second child would have destroyed me. Does this mean I am not sad? No. Does it mean I am done grieving? No. It just means that I know each day I will find a new reason to be grateful. I know we will lock hands and keep putting one foot in front of the other until we are able to gain some perspective on the situation. At least that is how I feel tonight, and I am grateful for the relief from the sadness.
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