March 12, 2012 – The very bad day that would not end.

I don’t really know where to start.  This is by far the hardest entry I have had to write this far.  I will start with the facts, because it may be the only way I get through it.

After our second round of Clomid we were successful at conceiving.  We decided to keep it quiet, only telling a few close friends, family, and a few key people at the hospital.  We were blissfully happy with the news and proceeded to make room in our lives for an addition, which would arrive just a couple of weeks before our 11^th wedding anniversary.  The timing was perfect, we couldn’t have been happier.  Our first sonogram was scheduled for 9 weeks into the pregnancy.  We were nervous, but excited and ready to meet the newest member of our family.  The appointment didn’t go as we had hoped. 

As the tech zoomed in on our little Peanut it was obvious something was wrong.  Doc and I both knew it before she told us.  We could see on the screen a perfectly formed, but perfectly still fetus, with no heartbeat.  The image is burned into my head and I would give just about anything to unsee it.  As I realized what I was seeing, my eyes went to Doc.  We were locked together when she told us the news.  His gaze never wavered, and it gave me the strength to endure the rest of the exam.  She completed measurements and whatever else she was doing and left us alone for a minute.  When she returned, she had a new room for us to wait in.  Doc and I cried and held each other as we waited for our doctor. 

I am very thankful to have scheduled this appointment with the specialist who has been with us through this journey.  I sat on the exam table, minus my shoes because they just stopped seeming important, and Doc stood next to me holding my hand.  We continued to cry as our doctor explained to us what he thought had happened and what our options were from here.  Because our fetus was so well formed, the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality.  The only way to determine that would be to have a D&C and have the tissue sent off for testing.  Because D&Cs come with additional scar tissue and increased risks of infections, we have decided to try and allow my body to pass the tissue naturally.  We have had what is called an incomplete miscarriage, as soon as my body catches up with the news it will attempt to correct the problem.  If my body hasn’t figured it out by Friday, I will have a D&C and we will send off the tissue sample.  Once this process is complete, my doctor is setting us up with a subspecialist to work with.  This new doctor, a Perinatologist, will be a part of our team as we move forward in trying to start our family.  Our care will be managed as high risk when we get pregnant again because we have had 2 miscarriages with no successful pregnancies between.  My doctor said that we will be cleared to restart Clomid and trying as soon as we feel emotionally ready.  With tears in his eyes, he apologized to us for our loss, but let us know he was up for the fight as soon as we were.  We told him we were ready to continue.  He said he would set everything up for us and we just needed to call him by Friday to let us know if we had completed the miscarriage. 

Doc and I spent the day together, just as we are today.  I know we have a lot of family and friends that would like to be here with us and talk with us about what is going on, but we just can’t.  Not because we don’t love everyone, but because when we are hurting we turn to each other.  When the pain is so deep that it makes the simple act of breathing difficult, we hold each other until it eases.