August 15, 2014 – Milestones

Time flies!  I have probably written 6 blogs in my head since my last entry, but I rarely have 2 free hands to type with these days.  Our son is almost 5 months old.  He is a joy to have and has already amazed us with all the things he is teaching us.  For example; all children are different.  This wasn’t really new information to us, but our son has really refined this knowledge for us.  People comment on everything from his strength to his drool (St. Bernard puppies drool less).  It doesn’t matter how well we know the people, or even if we know them.  Everyone has something to share about how we can be better parents.  I try to take it with a grain of salt because every child is different and every experience is different and I know they are just trying to give us strength as we face our daily challenges. 

One thing that drives me a little crazy is the current tendency for parents to compare milestones.  Milestones are used by pediatricians and psychologists and are a set of tasks that most children accomplish by a particular age.  They help identify problems early.  For example, if a child isn’t babbling by the time they are 4 months old it cues the doctor in that the child may need a hearing check or additional screening.  Milestones are really only an issue if your child fails to meet them.  However, it seems the hip new thing for parents to do is attempt to judge their child’s value or intelligence based on how quickly milestones are met.  This is a horrible use of the information.  Milestones are listed by the age that “most” children will meet them which means your child may meet them early or may meet them a little later than the charts suggest.  Delays can occur for many reasons: lack of opportunity to practice a task, slow myelination of nerves, or no motivation to practice a task. A milestone is really only useful information if a child misses it.   Some children will start off ticking off milestones quickly and then slow as they reach school age which is when their peers catch up to them.  Some children skip milestones for example some children don’t crawl; they roll or scoot and then decide they want to walk instead.

When parents put so much emphasis on achievement at such a young age it concerns me.  What does that say to the children?  What does it mean for a child’s self-worth as they age and their peers begin to catch up (which happens in most cases).  Parents seem obsessed with having the brightest child and are grasping at straws for proof.  The reality is that not every person has an above average IQ.  There are people who have average IQs and they do very well for themselves and achieve great academic success.  An individual with an average IQ, strong work ethic, and dedication to a goal can achieve more than an individual with a very high IQ and lacking the other two.  Yet parents focus on cheering the things that come easiest to their children and they are things most children will accomplish.  It makes no sense to me!  This sets children up for failure and disappointment.  So when parents ask me about our son’s milestones I cringe.  Not because he isn’t meeting them, but because I know they are already concerned their child isn’t good enough, that they aren’t exceeding expectations already.  It makes me very sad.

Knowing this, and the milestones, and knowing how IQ is actually measured how do I avoid comparing my child?  I don’t.  I am human and I compare my child in a lot of different ways, but I don’t use the milestones and how quickly or slowly he meets them.  Instead I think about how he is behaving and reacting in situations.  For example: my son makes friends everywhere we go.  I love that about him.  He will enter into stranger danger age soon and that ease may disappear, so I applaud it now with the knowledge that it may be short lived.  My son loves to read and sing.  Yay!  He may lose that as well, but my husband and I cherish education, so hopefully we continue to encourage him in that way.  When my son accomplishes a new task like rolling over I cheer.  I don’t check the calendar to see if he did it on time.  I try not to worry about milestones and IQ.  I know how to gage IQ for children, it was part of what I used to do, but I have no temptation to seek that knowledge about my son.  Instead I focus on whether or not he is doing his very best and when he does I cheer him.  He may excel in school or he may fail, those are things to worry about when they happen.  Right now my job is to just enjoy him and cheer for every accomplishment he has.  The world with test and judge him enough.  It is my job to prepare him to be able to hold his head high on the days when he doesn’t succeed.  It is my job to make sure he knows home is a safe place to fall after a bad day.  Home isn’t the very first place where he failed to meet expectations.