March 11, 2013 – Let it Be

I am sorry for the long delay between posts.  The reality is we are stuck in the IUI loop and nothing really new has happened for me to talk about.  It is also March, which in our world means Match and with Doc being chief next year we actually have a lot to do to welcome the new doctors to our program.  My dear friend who delivered the most gorgeous baby girl in February has also been so generous to me and allowed me to be very involved in their lives.  God bless her for that.  I am thankful for all of these things because they keep me too busy to wallow.  Besides, it is impossible for me to feel sorry for myself when I am holding a beautiful baby and she is snuggling into me.  J

As we move further along in the IUI loop Doc and I have had to face the reality that children may not be a possibility for us.  After 4 sessions (April) we will meet back with our doctor to discuss what our next course of action should be.  He had told us that two thirds of all patients are pregnant by 4 sessions.  We are in the middle of 3, so we may very well be in that other third.  That is not an easy thought to grasp.  I don’t really know what the future holds for us starting a family.  So I have decided to just let it be.  I am taking the pause button off of my life.  I will complete the final cycle of IUI but I am not going to spend every day counting down the days and I am not going to spend every moment being careful.  Instead I am taking my life back, enjoying the beautiful and wonderful things all around me and just letting go of the worry.  I will write when something new happens, but it may be the end of April before we hear anything new. 

 

Until then, I will leave you all with the immortal words of John Lennon & Paul McCartney, “There will be an answer. Let it be.”

February 20, 2013 – Another No

We are not pregnant again this month.  I want off this unmerry-go-round.  I seriously am starting to feel like my life is set on repeat.  Take pills, manage side effects, feel old and exhausted, have sex, get IUI, have sex, sore breasts, nauseated, crazy dreams, negative test, period, broken heart, rinse and repeat.  There are 4 more months of this before we can move on.  I didn’t think I would make it through 6 months of Clomid, but I did.  So I am assuming I will get through this too.  Just keep swimming.  The count down to my 35^th birthday and my impending infertility is also on.  The odds are just not in our favor.  I should probably accept that, but I am just too stubborn. 

So, instead I am trying to focus on the positives.  Here is what I came up this morning when I was done crying because I got my period:

1. Femara induced a good ovulation.  More eggs = better chances
2. Femara kept me much closer to my regular cycle.

That was all I could come up with right now.  This morning I had 3, but I can’t remember the third.  I will keep working on it.  I still have many things to be grateful for, I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.  This self pity is not cool, so I will be making cupcakes for the residents, stopping by to see my dear friend and her cuter than cute little baby girl, signing up for volunteer hours at the hospital, and cleaning my fridge.  If I am still having a pity party after all of that then I guess I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and I will try again tomorrow. 

February 12, 2013 – Miracles

I had the most amazing day today.  At about 9:30 this morning my dear friend called and let me know she had been having contractions since about 3:30.  They were irregular and tolerable, but while on the phone I could tell they were getting more intense.  This is the same dear friend who has held my hand through uncomfortable procedures and has been there for both Doc and I as we faced the last 2 years.  When I found out her husband had gone into work that day and would be in surgery for the morning I asked her if I could come sit with her.  What followed was simply the most healing and amazing day of my life. 

By the time I got to her house she already had a call in to the doctor.  We were just sitting down to watch a movie when the doctor called and asked if we could make it into the office to get her checked.  We were fine with that as it put us in the hospital where the baby would be born and where her husband was working.  From that moment on I spent the day holding my dear friend’s hand and comforting her through her contractions, waiting excitedly with her for this new arrival.  It turns out that those 22 days of contractions last spring taught me a lot about being a woman in labor.  It was all that knowledge that I used to help support and comfort my friend.  To be able to take something that was so difficult for me and turn it into something so amazing and positive was the ultimate healing action for me. 

My friend had become pregnant 4 months after Doc and I had which means we found out her good news when we were still lost in our deepest grief.  In the moment that she shared her news with me I vowed to try and keep the two events separate in my mind so that I could be as happy for her as she deserved and be as excited about her baby as a friend should be.  There were times when it was hard.  Times when it felt like my grief would overwhelm me, but I refused to pull back or give up.  I could tend to my needs in private.  My dear friend deserved to have her friends be excited with her and support her.  I wanted to do everything for her that I would have liked done for me had we been expecting our first baby.  And during the last 9 months our friendship has grown in ways that I didn’t know were possible.  I don’t even really have the right words to describe it. 

After a day of intense bonding she delivered a healthy baby girl.  Doc and I were standing in the hall when we heard her first cry.  I was crying and praying, Doc was reviewing care of new born infants and trying to figure out where to get a gown just in case anything went wrong.  He took 2 steps towards the door looking very serious, but then the little girl gave out a good hearty cry and he retreated.  You can’t take the doctor out of the man, and I love him for caring so much about our friends and their new baby.  We gave the new family some time before we visited.   My friend was the most beautiful I have ever seen her, which is amazing considering how busy her day had been.  As we all gazed lovingly at this new addition my sweet friend looked up at me as if she had just remembered something very important and said, “When do we find out your next test or start your next cycle?”  I laughed and it took me a minute to even remember when we test next or will start a new cycle.  I gave her the update and then Doc asked to check the baby.  We all agreed to switch places in about a year or so and laughed about the amazing and miraculous day we had. 

Four times yesterday I had people ask me if I was okay.  I honestly didn’t understand the question.  I was doing great; I was much more worried about my friend and her baby than about anything going on in my life.  My joy for her had overwhelmed any and all remaining grief for myself.  I was grateful that I was able to provide her support and comfort.  That meant that I had to be grateful for how I obtained the knowledge to do so.  No, that doesn’t mean I am grateful for the miscarriage.  I am sure I could have just as easily had that knowledge from delivering a healthy baby in October, but maybe not.  Maybe I needed 22 days to make it stick so clearly in my mind so that I could have the most amazing bonding experience with my friend.  Maybe it took that to open me up to being so vulnerable with my friend.  Maybe it took that to make me comfortable and calm enough to make it okay for my friend to do the same.  I really don’t know.  All I know is I wouldn’t have traded yesterday for anything.  It was an amazing, wonderful, and miraculously healing day.  It was also a really cool way to welcome another girl into the world. J

Note: I am sorry for the vagueness of details, but I am trying to tell my side of the story without betraying my friend’s story.  That story is hers to tell. 

February 11, 2013 – Positive Change

We have made it to Day 21 on Femara.  For the most part it is a much easier drug to take than Clomid.  I had a few side effects, most notably joint pain which made me feel like I could barely use my hands.  This was very upsetting considering I use my hands all the time!  I couldn’t sew or clean because my hands hurt terribly to grip things for extended periods.  I would end up sitting with my hands very still to be pain free.  Even then I would get the occasional pain in my hands/wrists.  It was like aging 40 years over night.  Thankfully that side effect didn’t last the whole month like many of the Clomid side effects did.  Femara has a much shorter half-life, so there is relief from the side effects towards the end of each month.  With Clomid it just continued to build up in my system and then became ineffective. 

Clomid had also lengthened my cycles to 34 days.  That is a long time when you are used to 29 days.  On Femara I am back to my normal schedule.  That is really nice. 

Finally, we have to compare effectiveness.  Towards the end of my time on Clomid my progesterone levels were in the single digits.  I was getting maybe 1 egg each month, so it wasn’t really increasing my chances of having a good egg available for fertilization each month.  This is my first month on Femara and my progesterone was 23 today, so obviously Femara is working better for me than Clomid was.  Now we just have to keep our fingers crossed that our timing was good and a healthy sperm met a healthy egg and we are currently making a healthy baby.  We should know in about 9 days. 

February 05, 2013 – Positive Surge

I woke up this morning fully ready to go in for a Day 15 sonogram but was surprised to get a positive LH surge test this morning!  That means that on Femara my cycles more closely match my natural cycle.  YAY!!!  Maybe this means my body will get back into a more normal groove. 

The positive surge means I will have my IUI tomorrow morning.  Doc is working and, unfortunately, so is everyone else.  My dear friend who went last time offered to go again, but her baby is due to arrive this month and she needs to work 15 days or she would have to repeat a month of residency.  So, I am going to woman up and go all by myself.  I asked Doc to check and see if he could get off, but I am not expecting that to actually happen.  He isn’t happy about having to miss it again, but I understand he has to work.  He is on a rotation where he is the only pediatrician, so I know they really need him there.  I am going to try and focus my thoughts on how proud I am of him instead of thinking about being by myself.  I can do this.  It isn’t ideal, but that is okay.  In a couple of weeks it really won’t matter that I had to go to this appointment alone.  J

Keep your fingers crossed!  You know we will!

January 30, 2013 – Femara

So far Femara has been a lot better than Clomid.  The only real side effect I had was exhaustion.  I would take it at 10 and by 1 it was hard to talk my brain would be so shut down.  On the first day I laid down for a nap and Doc woke me up several hours later asking if I wanted dinner.  Not safe to drive on pill days, for sure. 

Femara is labeled as a drug to treat women with breast cancer (which is really sensitive to estrogen production).  Fertility treatments are an ‘off label’ use for it.  Lots of drugs have off label uses.  For example, Benadryl can also treat nausea. Regardless, we are hopeful that Femara will be more successful than the Clomid was.  We will know in aproximately 22 days.    

  

At the moment we are staying with the clinic here in town, but we have started to look for another place to do the IUI.  I am just not impressed with our current clinic.  This month when I called to ask for the Femara prescription the nurse argued with me that I was already on it and just needed to call the pharmacy for a refill.  I had a hard time convincing her that I have never taken Femara and didn’t have a prescription available for it.  I finally convinced her by asking her which pharmacy they sent the prescription to, for which she didn’t have an answer because they had never sent one in for me before.  I prefer my health care professionals competent or at least capable of reading a chart.  I also have to go back in for the Day 15 sonogram this month if I haven’t had my LH surge because it is a new drug.  I plan on not listening to the tech this time when she tries to convince me to get the IUI early.  Overall, I just feel angry when I have to deal with these people.  I don’t feel like they care and they are really in it for the money, which doesn’t make me feel good at all.  Unfortunately the other clinic is an hour and half away and out of network for our insurance, so it is really hard for me to switch.  Although we may do that if we aren’t pregnant in a couple of months. 

I really miss my regular doctors.  I always knew they were taking excellent care of me, but this experience has reminded me how special it is to find people you really trust to take care of you.  I don’t question their directives because I know they care about the outcome.  With this clinic I feel like I need to do my own research and manage my own care.  Very stressful!  Sadly, they are the only fertility specialists around here.  I know some amazing doctors, but this is just not their specialty.  Hopefully we will only have to work with them for a short time before we go back to the loving care of my amazing doctors. 

January 18, 2013 – On the road again

I will show my age and reference Johnny Carson here.  “The answer to your question is no.” Or I could be a magic eight ball, “Outlook not good.”  Regardless of how I say it, it doesn’t look like we were successful this month.  So, it was another month on the crazy hormone roller coaster and we still have nothing to show for it. 

I am not at my best today.  I am finding it hard to be positive or perky and really finding it hard to want to keep doing this to myself.  I keep trying to tell myself that we are done with Clomid and the doctor said the new med would be better, but I just don’t know that I believe it. 

It doesn’t help that the day after our insemination I slipped on a patch of ice and injured myself.  I couldn’t seek treatment because I didn’t want to get imaging done of my pelvis while trying to get pregnant.  I fractured my hip in the 4^th grade and the pain I feel is reminiscent of that.  So dealing with 2 weeks of pain only to find out it wouldn’t have mattered if I had gotten it looked at right away isn’t helping my mood.  After my period starts and it is official that we are not expecting I will get my pelvis looked at.  Monday will start a new cycle and hopefully it will be better than this one. 

January 08, 2013 – Timing Is Everything

I survived my Day 17 insemination!  It really wasn’t bad.  I had a friend who was willing to come and hold my hand during the procedure, so I wasn’t alone.  Being alone for it seemed really depressing to me, so I was very thankful that I had a friend who was willing to hold my hand and support me when Doc was stuck at work.  I absolutely have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.  I don’t know what I would do without them!  This is the second time a friend has held my hand when Doc was stuck at work.  I can’t express how much it means to me.  One of the greatest blessings to come from starting this blog and sharing this journey was that it opened me up to the support of my friends. 

I finally met my doctor’s partner, and have decided I would rather switch to his care.  He was much more personable and I just felt like he provided more compassionate care than what I had been getting.  I will ask to see him next time I have to come to the office.  The procedure took all of 5 minutes.  It wasn’t any worse than a pap smear for me, but I have heard that if the timing is off or if they have to stabilize your cervix it is a much more uncomfortable procedure.  Then I just had to lay with my pelvis tilted for 15 minutes before we could leave.  There was some mild cramping for the rest of the day and part of the next.  The doctor told me to follow up with intercourse the next day and that was all.  That was probably the most uncomfortable thing, because my cervix was a little sore the next day. 

My LH surge came on Day 18.  The LH surge comes 24-36 hours before ovulation occurs; which means I ovulated no later than the morning of Day 20.  All that means is that our timing was good.  We have ovum in the same place as sperm.  With a little luck the ovum was healthy and perfect and was met with a healthy and perfect sperm.  We should know in a couple of weeks if luck was on our side. J

January 4, 2013 – Day 15

Day 15 came and according to my new instruction sheet I was to call the office for directions.  I did and they scheduled me for an ultrasound.  No idea what for, just agreed to come in for it.  The woman I met with still didn’t explain to me what they were doing.  When I asked (while she was already looking) she said it was to look at my ovaries.  I kind of figured that out because my favorite magic wand was back! 

She showed me that on my right ovary I have 1 decent looking egg that I will ovulate this month.  I have another smaller egg that may also ovulate this month.  On my left ovary I had roughly 4 that were not going to amount to much even if they did ovulate this month (which she said they may not).  All this fun with Clomid and I have 1 egg.  I am learning a lot about acceptance this week. 

She then told me they could go ahead a schedule me for insemination the following day (Friday/Day 16).  I asked if perhaps it would be a bit early since we are only on Day 15 and my surge doesn’t usually occur until Day 18 and ovulation occurs after the surge.  She became obviously annoyed with me.  It was the “how dare you question me” scowl.  I didn’t care; what she was saying didn’t make sense to me and she didn’t seem to have an answer except to tell me if I wait I could miss it.  She kept saying my egg was 17.  I still have no clue what that means.  I told her I had to discuss it with my husband before I could schedule anything. 

As I got dressed I kept thinking about how this new office made me feel.  I feel like a piece stuck on a conveyor belt.  There is no thought to how people are different, we are all treated exactly the same.  They have a recipe that seems to work well for them, or well enough that they keep using it, but what happens if someone doesn’t fit that mold?  It really feels very impersonal and like they are in it for the money.  “Shut up and hand us your money.” 

Doc was working, so we couldn’t talk until the evening, which would make it too late to schedule for Friday anyway.  I called him and left a message explaining what had happened.  He sent me a text that he didn’t really know what to do either.  I then spent the day worrying about whether I was going to miss my time if I didn’t schedule for Friday.  In the end I decided to call the fertility doctor and ask, after all I am already paying him for his opinion.  He called me back after the office closed, which was fine because I know most clinic doctors finish patients and notes before returning messages. 

He agreed that Friday seemed a little early given that I usually ovulate on Day 18, but did tell me that numerous studies have shown no difference in pregnancy rates for insemination that happens a few days before or after the surge.  He said Saturday would work or if it made me feel more comfortable I could wait until the surge.  I still wasn’t left with the warm and fuzzies.  After Doc made it home and we had a chat we decided Saturday (Day 17) might work out best for us. 

I called this morning to schedule the procedure and Doc’s drop off of sperm.  Turns out they only take sperm in the morning on weekends and Doc would still be working at the hospital at that time.  When I let her know we wouldn’t be scheduling anything she offered to have the sperm frozen if we could get it there by 10:30 today.  Doc is switching to nights, so I called him to see if that would work.  We managed to get the sample there just before 10:30!  They waived the $50 freezing and storage fee because they are just keeping it one night, which was the nicest thing they have done so far.  Next month we will pay $50 to have sperm stored in advance just to avoid dealing with Doc’s schedule.  At 9:30 tomorrow morning I am off to see a doctor I have never met (mine’s partner) who will hopefully knock me up.  I am struggling with this decision a lot.  I dislike this process, I distrust the people I am supposed to rely on, and I just haven’t had time to sort things out for myself yet.  I understand we have maxed out the options for getting pregnant on our own, I am just unhappy about our options. 

I realize being unhappy about them won’t change the situation.  For right now I have decided to continue and go to the insemination.  I plan to continue to be polite to the people I come in contact with and give them a chance to warm up.  I will pray about each encounter and ask for guidance in my own actions.  I will be positive about my 1 egg because it only takes 1 egg and 1 sperm to make a baby.  I have to remain focused on our goal. 

December 29, 2012 – A New Chapter

I am sorry for the tardiness of my update.  The holidays were a whirlwind for us!  On the 24^th we met with the fertility doctor.  He was nice, really smart, and talked really fast.  I am hoping he was talking so quickly because he knew Doc could follow and that isn’t how he talks to everyone, because not everyone has had biochem and understands neurochemistry.  If it had been just me he would have had to go slower.  If your doctor ever says things you don’t understand feel free to interrupt and make them explain.  Doctors spend time with other doctors and they tend to forget that not everyone knows the Latin name for everything.  Doc is a big fan of the big words and I regularly make him explain things in simpler terms, because I am afraid he forgets when he speaks with patients. 

We did learn a ton.  For one thing: Clomid actually stays in the body for 35 days.  That is the reason it lengthens cycles.  Clomid initially tricks the brain into thinking you have too little estrogen, so it sends a signal to the ovaries telling them to ramp up production.  This increase causes hyper ovulation; which is why Clomid is a great fertility drug (although they initially thought it would be birth control.  Being part of that study must have sucked.)  However, when you use Clomid for several months your brain gets a little confused because you start taking more Clomid before the previous treatment has worn off.  Eventually it leaves you with excess estrogen building up.  This build up confuses your brain into thinking you have too many estrogen receptors and can actually cause depletion in the number of estrogen receptors available.  This is not a good thing to have happen when you are trying to get pregnant because you need estrogen receptors in order to get the signal to ovulate!  The doctor told me it was probably a good thing that I took myself off of it last month.  I am feeling very grateful that I listened to my body and gave myself a break when I most needed it. 

The doctor also said Clomid sucks.  It has horrible side effects and makes people feel terrible.  I really didn’t learn that, but it was nice to know I am not completely insane for struggling with the side effects. 

This cycle will be the last cycle where I take Clomid.  Ever!  J The only reason I am still on it this month is because I started it 2 days before seeing the new doctor.  Next month we will switch to Femara.  He said it will have fewer side effects but accomplish the same thing. 

He did recommend that we move to IUI (intrauterine insemination).  He explained that there are 2 challenges we humans face in getting pregnant.  The first is ovulating a viable egg and the second is getting a healthy sperm to that egg.  We increase the number of eggs I ovulate with the drugs in hopes of producing a healthy one.  The lab will wash Doc’s sperm so that we are left with the healthy fellas.  They then thread a catheter through the cervix and deposit the sperm at the back of the uterus during ovulation so that they have the best chance to reach the egg.  The shorter distance to the egg also means my body has less time to fight the swimmers off.  The doctor said that using this method 2/3rds of his patients become pregnant within 6 sessions.  The sessions aren’t cheap though, so we don’t know if we will be able to do 6.  Certainly not 6 in a row which would be more than $2,400!  Infertility isn’t cheap. 

We are starting this month. J I have to start taking a ClearBlue Easy fertility test every morning starting on Monday.  As soon as I have my LH surge I call the clinic and schedule an appointment for the following day.  Doc has to give his sample and then an hour later I have the IUI done.  It sounds pretty easy and hopefully it is.  J

Just a product note for those of you trying: I had previously been using First Response ovulation tests but the doctor recommended I switch to the ClearBlue Easy.  I have both this month because I already had the First Response kit at home, but the CBE kit is MUCH better.  First, it gives you a smiley face when you ovulate and a circle when you don’t which I find to be more rewarding than the daily NO I get from FR.  Second, if you don’t use all of your CBE tests (they come with 20) you can use them again next month.  FR’s version shuts itself off after you get a YES, so it can’t be used again which is very wasteful and since the kits are $35 a pop I will go with the one that I can use all of the sticks on!  Finally CBE packages the sticks separately so they can store for a month.  FR has them all in bag with warnings about exposure to moisture ruining them.  CBE wins hands down; I can see why he recommended it!  I like doctors that research products to recommend to patients.  Doc does that with formula brands and other baby items, so of course I think it is brilliant! 

December 04, 2012 – Another Opinion

We are at a fork in the road.  We can keep doing what we have been doing or we can try intrauterine insemination (IUI, AKA: artificial insemination).  Either way I am back on Clomid just before Christmas.  If we keep going the way we have been it means that Doc has to be available for intercourse every other day for about 2 weeks.  This wouldn’t be a problem if he had chosen any other profession.  It turns out working with sick and dying kids isn’t super great for the sex drive.  Not only does he work crazy long hours, but the things he is exposed to during that time isn’t exactly helping maintain a sex drive.  For example, right now he just admitted a set of twins into the NICU and was on call to admit another set.  That is 4 sick newly born babies he will work on just before coming home.  Not exactly a turn on.  Not to mention the stress of working on sick children every day. 

Our other option is IUI.  If we choose IUI Doc has to be available to give a sample 1 day, but we don’t get to choose the day.  When my hormones surge I call the clinic and they set up an appointment within 24 hours to do the insemination.  Doc would need to be able to go to the clinic and produce a sample.  It sounds like a no-brainer; 1 day vs. 14?  Trouble is that he has no control over his schedule and he can’t request time off to go masturbate.  Shocking, I know.  Regardless of our choice it adds stress to his life because I need him to be home and the hospital needs him to be there.  I also still have to take Clomid or possibly take injectable drugs (a terrifying thing for me) in order to continue.  Doing that without knowing whether or not Doc will actually be available to provide the sperm is not an easy thing. 

We will be discussing all of this with a new doctor.  We are not changing doctors; we are just adding a fertility expert to the team, because my doctor doesn’t perform IUI in his office.  On Christmas eve we have our first meeting with him at the fertility clinic.  We plan on talking about all of our options with him.  I will let everyone know how it goes. 

November 28, 2012 – The Results Are In

We finally have some answers!  My HSG was yesterday and went well.  It was painful, but very quick.  It wasn’t the worst pain ever, but I am not going to volunteer to do it again.  I was very thankful that my friend came with me.  It just made everything easier.  Everything looked good on the HSG.  My uterus is well formed and the tubes are still open.  All very good news. 

Doc’s test results took a little longer to get.  The doctor called this afternoon.  There is some concern about motility and they would like to repeat the test.  They have asked Doc to take 500mg of vitamin C every day for the next 3 weeks and then be tested again.  Should the results remain the same, they will move us to insemination. 

Overall these are not bad results because we can do something about them.  It means another month off Clomid, so a nice break for us.  Doc is not thrilled about having more tests or taking additional pills, but he is a good sport and willing to give it a try.  Besides, we all know he secretly loved the 12 step directions for masturbating.  J  He did recently look at my chart and saw that it has 281 results listed.  That is 281 times that I have had a test done and waited on the results.  It gave him a little more perspective about what the last 17 months have been like for me.  Perspective is always good!

P.S. Some people are having trouble leaving comments.  Please feel free to e-mail me if this happens to you!

November 21, 2012 – Grateful On a Day to Be Thankful

Doc and I are grateful for a month without Clomid and the fertility schedule.  Due to his crazy and hectic schedule this month we did, however, forget that Thanksgiving is this week.  I have written before about my theory of being grateful every day, so it seems a bit redundant to have a day to be thankful.  It is also hard to remember holidays because Doc is working, so they are just another day in our household.  We celebrate days off!  Yesterday was one of Doc’s few days off this month.  The day was packed full and included 4 hours of work related tasks, so it didn’t feel much like a day off.  It was the first time that we had been able to talk since my doctor suggested additional tests and a break from Clomid, so that was something to be grateful for. 

We needed the break from Clomid. The idea of additional tests is scary, but we would like some answers.  We should have a few of the answers on Monday.  Doc had the wonderful experience of turning in a sample to the fertility clinic yesterday.  I was downright gleeful that he finally had a slightly embarrassing test.  After 17 months of very embarrassing, painful, and terrible tests/side effects I think I deserve a break.  Doc agreed that it was his turn.  He said that he figured if I can endure everything I have had to so that we can have children then turning in a cup of sperm was the very least he could do.  I love that man.  He had to follow at 12 step set of directions for collecting his sample, which we both thought was hilarious.  He also said that 16 yr/old Doc would have been much happier about the idea of being ordered to masturbate than grown up Doc was.  Obviously, we handled the task with our usual sense of humor. 

My testing will be done on Tuesday afternoon.  Doc is going to be stuck at the hospital working in the PICU that day, so a friend has agreed to take me.  I am so grateful for the friends we have made here.  They are so supportive and wonderful.  It really does take a village, and we have found ourselves in one heck of a village.  God knew what he was doing when he put us here. 

I am nervous about the tests and have heard it described as everything from slightly uncomfortable to horrendous torture.  The reality of the situation is that because I have made the choice to go through with the test, I have no choice but to deal with whatever pain or discomfort the test brings.  So there really is no point in worrying about it.  At this point the answers we get from the tests are worth any temporary discomfort we may experience. 

Regardless of the answers we get, we are grateful for each other and the life we share.  I am so grateful to be married to this amazingly loving, kind, funny, and supportive man.  And as much as I like to complain about his job and the strain it places on us, I am so proud of him and how he chooses to spend his life.  I am grateful for living where we do, being surrounded by the amazing people here, and getting the chance to be a part of something much bigger than our petty struggles.  I am eternally grateful that I am still able to make a difference in the lives of children by helping those that are caring for them and helping to improve the environment of the hospital.  I am grateful for the people who allow me to use my skills and training to help them make informed decisions to help improve the hospital, program, and atmosphere of our world.  Regardless of the answers we receive, this is a wonderful life.  J

November 8, 2012 – We Interrupt Your Regular Program…

My progesterone results are finally in for this month; 5.4.  You read that correctly.  If you have been following my blog for a while you will realize that for someone on Clomid this number is not good.  My normal progesterone draw is around 28 on Clomid.  It is however, a normal number for someone not on fertility drugs.  I didn’t ovulate until Day 18 or 19 this month, so testing on Day 21 may not have been accurate.  I am pretty sure this is the problem because this was the worst ovulation I have ever had.  It felt like a cartoon bomb had gone off in my abdomen.  There is normally some pain and swelling following ovulation, which my doctor explained was blood from the extra ovulation.  This month my entire abdomen was so swollen that it looked like I was sticking my stomach out as far as I could.  Seriously, push your stomach out as far as you possibly can and that is what I have looked like for the last 3 days.  It was so painful I would cry when I tried to pee!  I was getting muscle cramps in my sides and back from having my abdomen extended for such a long period of time.  There was so much pain I just didn’t think I could do this again. So, obviously there was more than 1 egg released this month. 

However, the low test result did earn me a call from my doctor.  This poor man.  He called last night and he sounded like he was miserable with a cold.  He barely even sounded like himself.  I really appreciate him calling me when I know he would have rather been in bed.  Things like that make me really like him, and make it easy to forgive rude nurses and delayed results. 

As usual we were right on the same page.  It is time to take a break.  We have been going at this for a while and we haven’t been successful, so he feels like it is time to take a break and get some additional tests run.  It was obvious that our lack of success was just as frustrating for him as it has been for us, which is nice.  It reminds me that we are a team.  He wants to check Doc’s sperm count, just because it can decrease with age and with ovulation occurring so late in the cycle it is possible that the count is lower anyway.  He also wants me to go in for a study to check and make sure my fallopian tubes are still open. 

I am nervous about the tests and am not thrilled that we have to go through them, but I am also ready for a break.  I just feel worn out.  I don’t know when I will write again.  I am not sure when the tests will be.  They may wait until after this cycle is completed before running any tests, or they could want to do them right away.  I won’t really know until I hear from the nurse to schedule them.  I will keep you updated about the tests, but as of today I am counting myself as on vacation from fertility treatments and the side effects of them.  It is time for some much needed rest and relaxation. 

UPDATE: The nurse called shortly after I wrote my blog.  They will run my test, which is an HSG, during my next cycle between Days 4-16.  Doc tried to explain it to me but honestly it sounds like some form of Cold War torture so I stopped listening.  I picked up Doc’s “kit” and he will make his appointment for later this month.  We should have some answers next month.  On the way into the office to pick up the kit I did run into a lab tech, who asked me if I was visiting them today, and a secretary for my Internal Med doc who stopped to chat.  You spend too much time at your doctor’s office when everyone knows you!  It was sweet of them both to chat with me.  I really love my doctors’ offices. 

November 04, 2012 – Sitting on the dock of the bay

I am sorry it has been a while since my last update.  I didn’t mean to leave everyone hanging.  Really I was just tired of thinking, talking, writing about everything.  I needed a break. 

Currently we are at the end of our try-cycle.  I go in for a progesterone draw on Tuesday (forget election watch, our house is on progesterone watch).  We are very hopeful for some good news, but really we won’t know anything for sure until closer to the end of November.  We have done everything in our power to make this month successful.  Now I just have to relax and wait. 

Doc and I are doing well.  Doc has started his PICU rotation, which means he is gone every day from 6am until 8pm.  I miss him and wish he were able to be home a little more, but such is the life of a resident’s wife.  Obviously November isn’t going to be a good month to try during.  If this try-cycle had extended into November any further it would have been a total loss.  December isn’t going to be much better, as Doc is in the NICU then.  Lots of very sick babies and very long hours don’t make trying easy.  It makes it impossible.  We aren’t sure how we will handle it if we are not pregnant this month.  It will be a discussion we have to include our doctor in on.  It just isn’t reasonable to expect that we will be able to try every other day during these months and have it be stress free.  But that is a bridge we will cross when we come to it.  I am sure my doctor will have some brilliant plan for making everything easier or seem better.  He is good like that. 

Right now I just have to focus on relaxing.  Tuesday will give us an idea of how ovulation went and then we just have to pray we make it to Day 35.  For those keeping track; that means we won’t have good news before November 20^th. 

October 18, 2012 - Round and Round We Go

It is time to start another try-cycle.  I have decided that we will be successful this month.  I am not going to worry about it, because I have already made up my mind that it will happen.  Doc and I have solidified a plan for this month to help make it easier for me to relax.  Doc is managing the calendar for us.  I have several planned dates with friends including spa days, shopping, and lunches.  We have a few interview dinners planned, but those are really a lot of fun and not very stressful.  Doc and I will also be celebrating our 11^th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. 

This last try-cycle was very hard on us.  We had been expecting to welcome our first child into the world just before our anniversary.  Instead we are still at square one, stuck on repeat.  It has been hard for both of us, but we need to keep moving forward.  We are still thankful to have each other.  We are thankful for our amazing doctors who take excellent care of me and who work so well together.  That in itself is a blessing.  Not all doctors work well in a team setting, but both of mine do a great job of keeping each other in the loop and being respectful of each other in order to improve our outcome.  That is a huge blessing.  Doc and I are counting our blessings and moving forward with the full intention of this being our last try-cycle.  We are planning on success.  That is the only plan we need right now. 

October 10, 2012 - Update

I wanted to write a quick update because I realize that my last blog was fairly negative and I really don’t want people to worry about me.  My mood is improving daily, which is a good thing because I really don’t like feeling so negative.  I spoke with my amazing and wonderful doctor/friend and she let me know that there is no permanent damage from the miscarriage and that I healed beautifully.  Above all she reminded me that hope and stress can both play a part in getting pregnant (or not getting pregnant) and that I can always lean on my doctors for additional support when I am struggling.  I need to remember it is okay to let people know what is going on with me so that they can help when I need it.  I am once again reminded of how very fortunate I was to find my doctors and to have so many amazing friends. 

Doc and I discussed our plans for continuing.  This last month was very tough for both of us because I am rarely hopeless or depressed.  My mood is improving after speaking with my doctor though, so things are looking up.  I just need to relax and get myself into a more positive place.  We have decided to continue with Clomid for the next try-cycle.  Doctor’s orders to relax are being followed and Doc and I are working out a way for him to take a bigger part in the schedule and for me to let go of some of the stress. 

October 08, 2012 – Wherefore art thou progesterone?

My progesterone draw was this morning.  For those of you keeping track this was my 22^nd visit to the lab this year (although I have been stuck over 30 times).  The lab techs have to dig for a vein now; I have too much scar tissue blocking access to my veins and even when they get a vein it clamps down before they can complete the draw. 

We had to have it drawn on Day 23 this month because Day 21 fell on the weekend.  The news was not good.  My progesterone is 25.2, also known as not pregnant.  It is actually lower than it was last month.  I am waiting to speak to my doctor about it.  It isn’t encouraging.  I am starting to wonder if the miscarriage left too much damage for us to be able to conceive.  Regardless we aren’t getting pregnant and I really need to understand why.  I don’t like feeling hopeless.  It isn’t a part of my nature, and yet for this month that is precisely how I have felt.  I hate it.  I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I don’t get any answers explaining why we have to face this.  I hate that my feelings get hurt every time someone makes a thoughtless comment about getting pregnant easily or someone having too many children or what a gift children are or worse how lucky we are to not have them.  I just want to scream, “Fuck you!” and then I hate myself for thinking that.  I hate that when people share their happy news with us I have to struggle with the feelings of loss that it brings up for me.  In the 16 months that we have been trying we have known at least that many people that have gotten pregnant, had healthy pregnancies, and delivered (or will soon deliver) beautiful babies.  We have known 0 other people who have miscarried.  I feel like we have been banished to an island where we are being punished for unknown crimes.  L

October 01, 2012 – Ups and Downs

I stopped counting days this month.  I just follow the calendar and try not to think about the rest.  This cycle has been a tough one.  I am really struggling with whether or not I want to keep doing this to myself.  My body feels old and tired.  I am having a hard time being hopeful about success; really I am just in a bad place.  I refuse to allow feeling down to control me though.  I am still getting up and doing all of my regular activities: pay bills, grocery shopping, walk the dogs, lunch with friends, library trips… I am just not enjoying any of it a whole heck of a lot. 

I do know that we ovulated.  It was the left side this month, which is rough.  Although I think we may have also had a smaller ovulation on the right.  I certainly don’t need a test to tell me when we ovulate on Clomid, the pain makes it very clear.  My OB explained that with the increase in ovulation there is an increase in internal bleeding which is why my abdomen swells and is painful for several days following ovulation.  It isn’t something to look forward to that is for sure! 

Things are otherwise good.  This month kicks off the new recruiting season for the hospital.  We have our first dinner this week.  We will drive down to KC with the program coordinator to try and woo a few doctors into applying to our program.  At the end of med-school all the new doctors begin searching for the perfect residency program to complete their training.  They interview and rank programs, the programs rank them, and then the list of top matches is presented during Match.  It is kind of like an arranged marriage.  It is a nerve wrecking process for the new doctors.  I remember quite well what it was like to be in the Match.  I am glad that our new role in Match is a lot more fun.  We wine and dine new doctors and tell them all about our program.  Last year was our first year recruiting, and normally recruiting is left up to the first year residents, but Doc and I really enjoyed the process last year and are participating again this year.  We take a lot of pride in helping this program find the best new physicians to train.  This week’s dinner is just about encouraging people to look at our program and apply here.  After that we have dinners for all of the doctors that will interview here.  It is a busy but fun time to be a part of the residency program!  It also helps to distract us from this other stuff. 

September 22, 2012 – Day 7

Today is Day 7, also known as my last day of Clomid for this month.  It seems like time has been passing so quickly lately!  This is my fourth total dose of Clomid and my 2^nd dose since the miscarriage.   I am trying not to worry about the side effects or whether or not we get pregnant.  I am really focusing on trying to stay in the moment and just relax.   

A lot of the initial side effects are better this time around.  I have a nightly hormonal migraine that sets in just after sunset, but each day it seems to be getting better so I am hopeful that they will be gone soon.  The crying and emotional stuff is still here, but I am surrounded by people who love me and understand that if I don’t sound like myself it is probably just hormones.  I am thankful for their forgiveness when I am cranky and thankful for their laughter when I am crying.  Mostly, I am just thankful for such good friends. 

Doc is stuck on an inpatient rotation this month, which definitely interferes with our trying.  During the first two weeks of the month he was on nights, so he was gone all night and slept all day.  I saw him for only a brief moment when he was getting ready for work and when he first got home.  No quality time.  Then he switched to days and the schedule hasn’t gotten much better.  I see him for about an hour in the evenings.  Unfortunately the hospital is very full right now and that means Doc has to spend more time at work.  I understand that and am glad that his patients have him as a doctor, because I know he takes very good care of them all.  It does however make trying difficult.  Scheduled sex isn’t exactly romantic to begin with, but when you see each other for only an hour out of every day, romance seems like the least of our worries.  Really the problem is that I just miss Doc.  He is my best friend and I find his presence so comforting that being away from him is what makes the rest of this hard to handle.  We had extra time together yesterday and were able to spend a few hours together.  I can’t explain the difference it makes to just be near him. 

Thankfully this month is coming to an end and next month is going to be a much easier schedule.  This should help us with our trying because I will most likely ovulate in the beginning of October.  I am trying not to think about the pain that occurs around ovulation right now.  I just take deep breaths and center myself back in this moment.  Worrying about pain that I know is coming will only make it worse.  So for now I will focus on this beautiful day, take my dogs for a walk, go to the library, and have lunch with a friend.  And I will spend every minute looking forward to the moment when I see Doc tonight.  An hour is better than nothing at all!  J