My progesterone draw was this morning. For those of you keeping track this was my 22nd
visit to the lab this year (although I have been stuck over 30 times). The lab techs have to dig for a vein now; I
have too much scar tissue blocking access to my veins and even when they get a
vein it clamps down before they can complete the draw.
We had to have it drawn on Day 23 this month because Day 21
fell on the weekend. The news was not good. My progesterone is 25.2, also known as not
pregnant. It is actually lower than it
was last month. I am waiting to speak to
my doctor about it. It isn’t
encouraging. I am starting to wonder if
the miscarriage left too much damage for us to be able to conceive. Regardless we aren’t getting pregnant and I
really need to understand why. I don’t
like feeling hopeless. It isn’t a part
of my nature, and yet for this month that is precisely how I have felt. I hate it.
I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I don’t get any answers
explaining why we have to face this. I
hate that my feelings get hurt every time someone makes a thoughtless comment
about getting pregnant easily or someone having too many children or what a
gift children are or worse how lucky we are to not have them. I just want to scream, “Fuck you!” and then I
hate myself for thinking that. I hate
that when people share their happy news with us I have to struggle with the
feelings of loss that it brings up for me.
In the 16 months that we have been trying we have known at least that
many people that have gotten pregnant, had healthy pregnancies, and delivered
(or will soon deliver) beautiful babies.
We have known 0 other people who have miscarried. I feel like we have been banished to an
island where we are being punished for unknown crimes. L
You probably know of no people who have miscarried because there aren't many people as brave as you to talk about their struggles. (hugs)
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