March 27, 2012 – The Procedure

I am sorry for the delay in updating everyone on how everything is going, but it has been a rough couple of weeks.  I finally feel like I have the energy to sit up long enough to write something, so here it goes!

I was scheduled for a D&C last Wednesday at noon.  Doc managed to get the day off.  I am really glad he was there with me because I don’t know how I would have managed the day without him.  He was sick, but tried to rally for me.  The fact that Doc was sick for the second time this year should give you a clue as to how stressful this has been.  Doc gets sick once in a blue moon, I can’t ever remember a time when he was sick twice in the same year! 

Wednesday came and we arrived at the surgical center in the hospital for check in at 10.  This was an area of the hospital Doc wasn’t familiar with and it was by far the nicest surgical center I have ever seen in a hospital.  They assigned me a number and updated a board with my procedure so Doc could watch how things were progressing, kind of like watching the flight boards at the airport, and also gave him a pager so they could contact him when the doctor was ready to meet with him after my procedure.  Then they put us in a private room for all my prep. 

Blood draws, IV, and all the fun that comes before any procedure.  Doc and I watched TV, checked out LOL cats on line, and tried to make the best of it.  When my pre-op nurse informed us that my doctor had only scheduled one procedure for the day, we were surprised.  It turned out that his schedule was full on Tuesday, his normal surgical day, and he didn’t want to make me wait another week for my procedure, so he scheduled me on his on call day.  When you live with a doctor, you know how amazing it is that he would give up part of his afternoon before going on call for 2 nights in OB.  It means he was giving up sleep, time with family, or free time just so that I wouldn’t have to wait another week.  It was kindness beyond measure. 

When my Dr arrived he came with a student; it is a teaching hospital after all.  The student was a 3^rd year medical student who had studied pediatrics under my Doc just recently, so a little awkward.  I opted to allow her to observe the procedure so that she could learn more about D&Cs.  Many schools (like my husband’s) have stopped teaching the procedure because they don’t want to seem abortion friendly, so this may have been her only chance to see one.  I know Doc never saw one while he was in school and seeing how important the procedure became to us this week that is a travesty. 

My doctor decided to perform only a portion of the D&C.  We wanted to have the cervix dilated to remove enough tissue for testing and to also start my body’s natural process without introducing a lot of additional scar tissue into my body.  The major risk of the D&C is scarring which can hinder future pregnancy.  I love that my doctor had thought this through and helped us balance our emotional and physical needs during a rough time. 

For the actual procedure I was under general anesthetic, so I remember going into the OR, waving hello to the surgery tech, asking my anesthesiologist to make me forget the day, made a joke that they are perverts because my gown had a pocket which opened directly to my breast, told them to play some good music, tasted something funny, and woke up in recovery.  If you are going to have a bad day, that is how they should all go. 

Recovery turned out to be the longest part of my day and didn’t go quite as planned.  I woke up and must have said something about my doctor, because the nurse said he was right there.  As I woke up my doctor was holding my hand in recovery and we talked about making our next attempt a bit more successful and hoping he would be delivering a baby for us soon.  I have had several surgeries in my lifetime, but I have never had a doctor holding my hand as I recover.  I feel really blessed to have such an amazing physician helping us through this journey. 

Soon after waking up I began having trouble breathing.  One thing asthma has taught me is to notice when breathing is becoming a problem.  The trouble with this is that it means I notice before my O2 stats drop so that I can correct the problem before I am in danger, but at a hospital you aren’t in danger until your O2 drops.  So I calmly tell my nurse that I am having trouble breathing.  This must be something people in recovery say a lot, because she just told me I was fine and checked my O2 stats.  My airway went from feeling like I was breathing through a garden hose to a drinking straw down to a swizzle stick.  I again told her I couldn’t breathe.  She checked my stats, I was fine.  Finally I stopped being able to move air and form words and could only move my lips and cry.  I struggled to sit up in bed, grabbed my nurse’s scrub edge, and mouthed that I couldn’t breathe.  She ran to get the anesthesiologist and they started injecting things into my IV.  Slowly I could breathe again, but it was through a swizzle stick and I was making a horrible sound as I tried to breathe.  They said it was a laryngospasm, basically my vocal cords clamped down and wouldn’t allow air to move.  It sucked and scared the crap out of me.  My O2 stats finally dropped and then the computer said my O2 monitor was faulty… after the crises had passed. 

I apologized to my nurse for grabbing her scrubs, and she let me know it was okay and that she understood I was scared because I couldn’t breathe.  I will never understand why people treat their nurses and doctors poorly while in the hospital.  It is like yelling at your waitress and then not expecting to eat her spit with your dinner.  These people worked hard to make sure I was okay and well cared for on a really bad day of my life, I am thankful they were there and so kind.  These were truly the best nurses I have ever had caring for me (with the exception of my mom of course).  They treated me with kindness and compassion.  When they checked me for bleeding they allowed me to retain my dignity as they did so.  Really they were excellent. 

After several hours in recovery we were finally allowed to leave.  My post-op stage 2 nurse walked me to the car and wished us good luck on starting a family.  She was very kind.  For the next 2 days the majority of my complaints were neck and chest related.  My neck was very swollen and painful, so much so that even the muscles in my face hurt and felt pulled on.

This weekend is when my body finally figured out we were having a miscarriage.  It has made for a rough and exhausting weekend.  I will spare you guys the gory details.  Needless to say, it is a heck of a lot worse than any period I have ever had.  I slept for 20 hours yesterday.  I only got up to use the bathroom, eat, and wish my dad a happy birthday. 

Doc had to return to work and doesn’t get home until after 8 each day, so I have had to take care of myself.  It has been scary, hard, and lonely, but I really only want him around me, so I keep going it alone.  I know he wishes he could be home more, and I wish he could be home more, but he is needed at work.  We have had an amazing out pouring of support from the hospital.  Offers to bring me treats and walk our dogs.  People have been very kind and I may actually be finally feeling up to seeing people again.  Every day I hope the worst is behind us.  So far I have been wrong, but I’ve been up for 2 hours today and so far so good! J

March 14, 2012 – The Art of Being Grateful

Note: This blog is a bit on the self-indulgent side, but seeing as it is my blog, I’ll allow it. J

Most people don’t know what it is like to have struggled with a long-term goal.  By long term, I mean taking longer than 4 years to complete (note this says most, I am fortunate to know a lot of amazing people who have achieved this task and am not discounting them, but they are in a rare group unto themselves in our country as a whole).  Most people won’t ever know what it is like to work at the same goal, everyday, for 10 years.  They won’t know what it is like to sacrifice and struggle for 10 years in the hopes of attaining 1 goal.  Most people won’t know what it is like to do these things for themselves, much less to have done them for someone else’s goal.  I do.  From the moment Doc decided to become Doc, it took sacrifices on both our parts.  It took both of us to achieve this goal.  It took both of us working, saving, struggling, and borrowing nearly 1 million dollars (payoff amount, not actually the amount borrowed) over 10 years to obtain this single goal.  And we still aren’t done.  So, what does this have to do with being grateful and our current situation?  It is the story of how I learned to be truly grateful, for every small gift I have been given in this lifetime, and how I will survive the loss of our second child. 

About 4 years into the sacrificing and struggling I began to feel exhausted.  Feeling like I was working so hard, every day, and not seeing any benefit from my work made me sad, angry, and bitter and every day brought more work and still no benefit.  Every day was filled with crummy chores and tasks to accomplish: pay bills (with no money), study for classes, go to work, do research… It felt like it was never going to end, and to be fair the end wasn’t anywhere in site.  Then Doc got into medical school, and suddenly we needed to move.  I left the graduate program I was in, which really was for the best, as it was making me miserable, and I had to start a new graduate program which was hopefully going to be a better fit for me.  However, the problem was it was more than an hour away from the medical school Doc was attending.  That was problem 1.  Problem 2 was that it wasn’t a PhD program, so I knew I was sacrificing my own goal for that of my husband’s.  (Actually, I didn’t learn that until later.  I was still young enough that I thought I would have plenty of energy and drive when Doc was done and I would complete my PhD at that time.  Dumb.)  The 3rd problem was figuring out how to not give up on all of my personal goals and still manage to support us for the next four years.  Any money Doc earned during medical school would be taken directly out of his student aid from the school, so if he worked it wouldn’t really benefit us.  I was offered a job through my graduate program, and I took it.  Within a few months of us both starting school it became clear that the additional aid from this job wasn’t going to be enough.  The drive to school alone was sucking down a fortune, despite my Civic’s excellent gas mileage.  I got a second job, working holidays, weekends and overnights (eventually I would take on a third job while in grad school, but you get the point).  We were managing, but not comfortably and I was becoming increasingly bitter at my daily struggle.  I was becoming depressed, angry, and just more miserable every day.  I would look around at my classmates and be jealous that none of them had to work.  They had parties on the weekends, I had 16 hour shifts.  They always had the readings done and were always prepared, I felt like I was always playing catch up.  It was an awful place to be and I didn’t want to be there any more.  I wanted to be happy. 

I started to change all of that by reminding myself that life is full of lessons and that in this struggle was a lesson to be learned.  I believe that when life gets really hard, it is usually because I am ignoring whatever lesson God has planned for me and the moment I figure out what it is, things seem to get better.  I knew part of my problem was that I was focusing on what others had, without considering what they were giving up to have it or the struggles they were facing.  I was entirely too focused on other people.  It had to stop. 

I wrote myself a simple reminder on a sticky note and stuck it to my mirror where I would see it every morning and every evening as I brushed my teeth.  It simply said, “Be Grateful”.  I challenged myself to find something to be grateful about every time I looked at it.  It was hard at first, but eventually it became a mantra.  My 16 hour shift turned into an 18 hour shift? “I am grateful to have a job when so many others do not.”  Dog needs a $2,000 hip replacement surgery?  “I am grateful for the joy she gives me every day, and that we have access to such amazing vets to treat her.  I am grateful that I have a credit card with that much space on it.”  Stuck in traffic after already putting in more than 80 hours this week?  “I am grateful to have a car to drive.  I am grateful to have a place to be going home to.  I am grateful that my bladder isn’t full.  I am grateful for the song on the radio and the extra time to jam all by myself.” 

Slowly, this simple act of being grateful changed my life.  It became a way of life.  It made it easy for me to not focus on others and instead for me to give my life the attention it deserved.  It made me see that jealousy is a wasteful and pointless emotion.  You can’t be jealous of one thing in someone’s life; you have to be jealous of everything in their life because the good things don’t come without the bad.  Everyone has struggles to face.  And best of all, it made it impossible for me to feel bitter, angry, and put upon by my situation, because I acknowledged that my situation was a choice I made and I was grateful to have the choice to make. 

So, how did this life lesson and change in perspective gain entry into a blog about infertility?  Every moment since our sonogram I have been finding reasons to be grateful and tonight when I was awoken with cramping, nausea, and a hot flash so bad I had soaked my bed sheets in a room that is 67 degrees and the thoughts started rolling through my head: “I am waiting for my body to expel our second child.  I am a mother with no child.  I am heartbroken.”  At 3am, as I put down a towel to lie on, so that I could try and sleep (because being able to sleep through this would be easier), I found a way to be grateful.  I began listing all of the things I am grateful for to myself:

I am grateful that the sonogram tech was so compassionate.  I am grateful that our doctor struggled to control his emotions as we cried in his office because it made us feel like a team.  I am grateful that Doc was there with me.  I am grateful that he has been within arms reach for 2 whole days.  I am grateful that the residency gave him time off to be with me.  I am grateful that they didn’t make getting that time off into a battle between family and career, they just let me win.  I am grateful that my dogs lay on my legs for the past 2 nights as I tried to sleep, just so I would know I am not alone.  I am grateful that I have my internist’s cell number so I didn’t have to call the office staff and explain to them what happened.  I am grateful that she cared so much that in the middle of her busy day she cried with me over the loss.  I am grateful for the amazing outpouring of support that our friends and family have provided.  I am grateful that we were not further along and that our child did not suffer.  I am grateful for 2 amazing pregnant months, I know it is more than some get.  I am grateful that I have such an amazing husband.  I am grateful I am not alone.  I am grateful that I know what it feels like to be a mother and that Doc knows what it feels like to be a father.  I am grateful for our amazing medical team.  I am grateful for the addition of another member to that team. I am grateful that I have better medical care than Oprah and that our child will have better medical care than Paris Hilton.  I am grateful for the love I feel for others and coming from others.  I am grateful that I started this blog so I have a place to put this all down and get it out of my head…

And finally, the thing that shot me out of bed to write this down? I am grateful for the 10 year, still on going, struggle that we have had, because without it I wouldn’t know how to be grateful and loosing our second child would have destroyed me.  Does this mean I am not sad?  No.  Does it mean I am done grieving?  No.  It just means that I know each day I will find a new reason to be grateful.  I know we will lock hands and keep putting one foot in front of the other until we are able to gain some perspective on the situation.  At least that is how I feel tonight, and I am grateful for the relief from the sadness. 

March 12, 2012 – The very bad day that would not end.

I don’t really know where to start.  This is by far the hardest entry I have had to write this far.  I will start with the facts, because it may be the only way I get through it.

After our second round of Clomid we were successful at conceiving.  We decided to keep it quiet, only telling a few close friends, family, and a few key people at the hospital.  We were blissfully happy with the news and proceeded to make room in our lives for an addition, which would arrive just a couple of weeks before our 11^th wedding anniversary.  The timing was perfect, we couldn’t have been happier.  Our first sonogram was scheduled for 9 weeks into the pregnancy.  We were nervous, but excited and ready to meet the newest member of our family.  The appointment didn’t go as we had hoped. 

As the tech zoomed in on our little Peanut it was obvious something was wrong.  Doc and I both knew it before she told us.  We could see on the screen a perfectly formed, but perfectly still fetus, with no heartbeat.  The image is burned into my head and I would give just about anything to unsee it.  As I realized what I was seeing, my eyes went to Doc.  We were locked together when she told us the news.  His gaze never wavered, and it gave me the strength to endure the rest of the exam.  She completed measurements and whatever else she was doing and left us alone for a minute.  When she returned, she had a new room for us to wait in.  Doc and I cried and held each other as we waited for our doctor. 

I am very thankful to have scheduled this appointment with the specialist who has been with us through this journey.  I sat on the exam table, minus my shoes because they just stopped seeming important, and Doc stood next to me holding my hand.  We continued to cry as our doctor explained to us what he thought had happened and what our options were from here.  Because our fetus was so well formed, the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality.  The only way to determine that would be to have a D&C and have the tissue sent off for testing.  Because D&Cs come with additional scar tissue and increased risks of infections, we have decided to try and allow my body to pass the tissue naturally.  We have had what is called an incomplete miscarriage, as soon as my body catches up with the news it will attempt to correct the problem.  If my body hasn’t figured it out by Friday, I will have a D&C and we will send off the tissue sample.  Once this process is complete, my doctor is setting us up with a subspecialist to work with.  This new doctor, a Perinatologist, will be a part of our team as we move forward in trying to start our family.  Our care will be managed as high risk when we get pregnant again because we have had 2 miscarriages with no successful pregnancies between.  My doctor said that we will be cleared to restart Clomid and trying as soon as we feel emotionally ready.  With tears in his eyes, he apologized to us for our loss, but let us know he was up for the fight as soon as we were.  We told him we were ready to continue.  He said he would set everything up for us and we just needed to call him by Friday to let us know if we had completed the miscarriage. 

Doc and I spent the day together, just as we are today.  I know we have a lot of family and friends that would like to be here with us and talk with us about what is going on, but we just can’t.  Not because we don’t love everyone, but because when we are hurting we turn to each other.  When the pain is so deep that it makes the simple act of breathing difficult, we hold each other until it eases. 

March 04, 2012 – Doctors Everywhere

I feel like I am making the rounds through my doctors again.  I saw my internist last week for treatment of a sinus infection.  Once I was there she also realized I needed to increase my thyroid med.  I haven’t slept through the night in 2 months and she said it was because of my thyroid being off again.  Apparently, an increase in hormone levels changes all kinds of things in our bodies.  It seems that my thyroid problem is going to be a never ending balancing act.  I had thought the lack of sleep was a stress response, or at least in part because of the sinus infection, but I have been on the increase for a few days now and I am sleeping a lot more soundly.  I will have to remember that sleep disturbances seem to be related to that problem. 

I have another meeting with my OB/GYN next Monday and am looking forward to it.  We are hoping he will have some good news for us.  Doc is working in the NICU this month, so it is very difficult for him to get time off but he explained the situation to his supervisor and they agreed he would be better off at the appointment in the morning and at work in the afternoon.  His supervisor’s exact words were, “go take care of your family.”  I sincerely love this program and feel like they have been such a support for us.  Pediatric programs in general are considered to be the most family friendly of all residency programs, but ours takes it a notch above and really supports and encourages the residents to be active in their lives outside of the hospital.  That is a unique blessing!  I will let everyone know how the appointment goes! J

February 17, 2012 – Fear for Sale

When you have had a miscarriage the fear never goes away.  Every moment there is the worry “am I going to get pregnant again, only to loose it again?”  There is the fear that maybe this time I won’t be able to handle the loss, not that I did a great job with it last time.  The fear is haunting my daily life.  I finally started to talk about this fear more with Doc.  We don’t talk a lot about our previous miscarriage.  It is part of our medical history; we don’t need to discuss it in detail.  But lately we have started talking and I realize that the fear isn’t just mine, it is his.  He lost a baby too.  He lost his wife for a bit to her grief.  He watched his world spin out of control and there was nothing he could do about it.  The fear of that all happening again is nearly paralyzing.  When you are struggling with infertility miscarriage is a very real possibility.  The fact that we may have to face the horror once again sits with us.  It makes us hold our breath each month.  At least now we are sharing it with each other. 

So now the big question becomes how do we avoid becoming paralyzed by the fear?  How do we not allow it to take over and guide our lives?  Is it possible to relax with this kind of fear hanging over head?  I really don’t know.  I think we will spend a lot more time talking about it, and hopefully that will help.  I know that together we will figure out a way to let some of this fear go, because I think we have to.  I don’t think we can have the future we want with this kind of fear in our lives.  I think we have to let ourselves breathe again and have faith that we are in a better place than we were last time.  That our lives are much more settled and that we are better equipped to handle whatever may come.  

February 07, 2012 – The Great Debate

Every month Doc and I have the same debate, “if we are pregnant, when do we tell people?”  It seems like an easy question, I mean we’ve been trying for 7 months… we shout it from the mountain tops!  Sadly though, when you have experienced a miscarriage your perspective shifts a bit.  There is a superstition that telling people before 3 months is bad luck.  The reality is that most miscarriages occur during this time, as ours did.  Doc comes down firmly on the side of “don’t tell”.  I on the other hand have a different perspective.  One of the reasons the miscarriage was so hard on me last time was because I hadn’t told.  I hadn’t told anyone and so when it happened, there wasn’t anyone to talk to.  I ended up feeling very lonely and it was just a horrible time, I think not telling made it worse. 

This month we were finally able to come up with a bit of a compromise.  We decided parents should be told first, and then close friends.  After that we would wait to announce it on more public forums, such as Facebook and of course, my blog (sorry guys).  Hopefully we will some day be able to put this plan into action! J

January 30, 2012 – The Waiting Game

I find it slightly entertaining that when we first began this journey I referred to this week as “The Sweet Week” because it was the one week with no tests, no schedule, just us and a room full of hope.  Looking at this week during our 7^th month of trying, it looks a bit different.  Now this week is full of fear, dread, and a feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.  I know that is irrational, after all, I am either pregnant or I’m not.  Yet I find myself afraid to be hopeful.  I know Doc is feeling hopeful this month and that too scares me.  It feels like I am going to let people down by not being pregnant.  Even worse, I will let myself down by not being pregnant.  Not to mention that people want to make plans for the next month and I still don’t know if I will be off of this crazy fertility schedule.  I can’t travel or do anything if we are still stuck in this loop.  It may be that I will be stuck in this loop for the next 4 months, but people are understandably ready for life to go on.  I’m ready for life to go on, but I can’t seem to get pregnant!  These are not exactly relaxing thoughts! 

Needless to say, I am feeling a great deal of stress today and that is exactly the opposite of what my doctor told me to be doing.  So now the question becomes how will I manage this stress?  First off, I am writing it down because writing it down gives me the opportunity to let go of it.  For some reason putting it out on paper helps free my mind from the worry.  Next, I think I am going to run some errands.  Maybe even do a little window shopping.  Squeezing in a workout will also help me relax.  Finally, my go-to relaxation… I will phone a friend, talk about ridiculous stuff, laugh a lot, and even figure out a way to laugh at myself and my silly worries.  Regardless, I am not making long term plans today.  I am not taking stressful phone calls.  I am not worrying about what day of my cycle it is (day 24 for those keeping track).  Finally, I will say a little prayer (as I have every day) that I will make it to day 35 this time. 

January 23, 2012 – Finding ways to let go

This month has been all about relaxing and letting go of some of my planning ways.  I am a planner.  I want to know the next step so that I can be forever prepared for it.  My doctor’s order to relax being attached to a 6 month treatment plan was a bit of a wake up for me.  This is going to be a long term struggle.  Not a quick fix solution.  The sooner I accept that, the better off I will be.  I feel like I am constantly accepting and rejecting this idea; that I don’t know what comes next and I have to have faith that things are happening exactly as they are supposed to be. 

Along with giving up planning, I have had to give up some day dreaming.  I am trying to face the reality that we may not get pregnant.  We may not be able to have the family we always dreamed we would have.  I know this means that I have to figure out what that means for us and for our dreams of the future.  Luckily, I have an amazing partner that I share my life with and I know that we will make whatever happens not just work, but be just amazing. 

This entry sounds a bit depressing, but really I don’t feel sad at all tonight.  An amazing thing happened when we took away the distractions of day dreaming, planning, and entertaining… we settled into our routine and we have been able to really enjoy every moment of this month.  We have had wonderful time together.  We have explored more options for our lives and been able to widen our focus to include more than just baby-making.  It has been a beautiful month.  I am looking forward to next month even! 

Tonight I am just relaxing while Doc is working.  I’ve got II Tone Def  playing while I type.  Good music always helps me relax and feel good about the moment.  J

January 17, 2012 – Operation Relaxation

Operation relaxation is underway.  So far, so good! Most of the changes to our lifestyle and even our schedule have become so ingrained in us that we really don’t need to constantly look a the calendar in order to stay on track.  We are just trying to enjoy each other and enjoy the time we have together.  It has been lovely.  During the day I avoid watching baby shows or anything else that will have me day dreaming or planning.  Thankfully I have great girl friends that help me stay distracted.  I’ve got an appointment on the 27^th to have my progesterone checked and then if we make it to 35 days we will take a pregnancy test.  Since that won’t happen until next month we are living in the blissful moment. 

The side effects have been a bit different this month.  I had hormonal headaches during the first 5 days and became a little nauseous last night.  I think the nausea may have been part of a virus Doc brought home though.  I woke up with a throat on fire, so I am pretty sure that is to blame.  The joys of being married to a pediatrician!  He brings me home a little virus at least once a month.  The lightened side effects are helping me to stay distracted, so I hope they stay light!  Maybe my doctor was right and my side effects last month were just a sign of changing hormonal balances, which is a good thing.   Who knew doctors were so smart? J

January 9, 2011 – Repeat Until Pregnant

I am starting another dose of Clomid today.  After talking to my doctor and doing some additional research, we decided it was the best move.  Most women with mild endometriosis conceive on Clomid within 5 months.  I don’t know if I will make it 5 months, but it is worth another try.  If we haven’t been able to conceive after 6 months on Clomid, we will be classified as Clomid infertile… that just means we will be going with IVF.  IVF is terrifying for a number of reasons (daily shots are just one).  The biggest question is whether or not we will be able to afford it.  The doctor told us it would be around $15,000!  We are starting to save, but we may not be able to make that work.  Although the residency program would help pay for the procedure (have I mentioned how deep my love is for this program), we would still need to pay the doctor and pay for all the meds, which is the bulk of the bill.  Honestly, if I had the money I might be tempted to jump ahead and do IVF now rather than face another Clomid month… but I am sure there is a reason we are going through this journey, so I am trying to be patient.  

I am also still under orders to relax.  So, it is time to put away these future worries.  I will continue to save any extra cash that comes our way, but otherwise I am not going to worry about IVF or 5 more Clomid months.  Instead I am making sure that I have plenty of time to relax and take care of myself.  We have a couple of parties and benefits planned this month, but otherwise we cleared the schedule.  No visitors this month, because having company (even people you love) can be stressful.  This will be the first month since our move that we haven’t entertained company at least once!  I learned last month that entertaining company while sick from Clomid was more stressful than it was fun.  There is nothing worse than knowing people are waiting on you while you are sick in the bathroom or trying to make dinner while nauseous.  Hearing through the grapevine that people thought you were rude for the amount of time spent in the bathroom is just more stress that I don’t need.  So, no to visitors this month.  No to traveling this month.  We are homebound and loving it!  Doc and I have always loved hiding away together, watching movies, and ordering Chinese food… so here is to a month of our favorite activity! J

January 05, 2011 – Ready… Set… Relax!

My appointment went well.  Apparently my blood work was great.  They know I am having strong ovulations and they were pleased with my potential for pregnancy.  My ovaries were also handling the increased ovulation well.  The doctor was overall very pleased and encouraging.  I explained my side effects with Clomid and he even seemed pleased with that.  He said he believes the side effects are signs of positive change in my hormones which are making me more fertile. 

The doctor wants to continue on our current course.  He made only one change to his orders; I have to relax.  He reminded me that we are the most fertile when we are relaxed and that I need to stop worrying and stressing over not getting pregnant.  In order to achieve this goal I am not allowed to take any more pregnancy tests unless I reach day 35 of a cycle.  I am currently on day 30, so I have 5 days to relax.  If/when my period starts I am to call the office and let them know and they will order my meds.  Then when I hit day 21 I will go for blood work and we start the cycle all over again…. Repeat until pregnant. 

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I adore my husband.  While he wasn’t able to be at the appointment with me, Doc was waiting to hear the news.  I called him and told him what the doctor said and his response was, “I think a new couch would help with the relaxing.”  Now I am not normally a fan of spending money (because we don’t have it to spend), but I love that his first thought was to make our home more comfortable so I could relax.  When we moved we didn’t have room for our old couch and have had a loveseat and recliner instead, but I have really missed having a couch.  We talked about buying one, but I have been dragging my feet because I don’t like spending money!  We have to save when we want big expenses and buying something like a couch means we put off buying other things.  I don’t know if I will actually go buy a couch, but I may go “relax” at Nebraska Furniture Mart to see if I see anything I like! 

Doc has just been amazing through all of this.  I feel like we have gotten even closer during this struggle.  I am amazed because he has to deal with the crazy that is me on a daily basis and he keeps coming home with a smile, so maybe he is a little crazy himself.  Last night he came home early and we had a quiet evening together.  He told me to stop stressing myself out about relaxing and to try and have some fun.  2 doctors in 1 day tell me to chill out, guess I should listen!  I am not saying Doc is perfect, he is far from perfect (as am I), but how he manages this struggle is pretty awesome.  I know he is just as anxious to start our family, but he doesn’t put pressure on me about it.  He does his best to make this a fun journey.  He is going to be an awesome dad.  I can’t wait for the day when I get to tell him “we’re pregnant!”  J

January 03, 2011 – Day 28

I had the most vivid dream last night that I had a positive pregnancy test.  When I woke up I took one and got a negative.  I am starting to really hate those dreams.  I don’t think we were successful this month and am already starting to deal with the feelings that come with that.  The disappointment seems even greater after struggling with the Clomid side effects all month.  I told Doc that I could easily talk myself into doing something uncomfortable if I knew it would be successful, but the reality of our situation is that I could torture myself for months and we could still be unsuccessful.  Doc and I have talked a lot about how we will continue if we were unsuccessful.  It left me with a lot of questions for my doctor. 

I have my doctor appointment scheduled for tomorrow.  I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the appointment.  The office never called with the results of my blood work, so I’m nervous that they found something that will make us change course all together.  Of course, the staff seems less than reliable in my doctor’s office; I have considered finding another doctor but OB offices are notoriously busy, and he is one of the best.  I try not to make decisions when I feel this many emotions as I rarely make good emotional decisions.  

Unfortunately, Doc is working inpatient this month and doing additional training on the new computer systems for the hospital, so I won’t see much of him.  We have had extensive talks about whether or not we have enough time to give it a good try this month or if we should put off trying this month.  We are both in favor of trying, but it is hard for me to want to sign up for another dose of Clomid knowing he might be gone or too tired to really try.  It also means that he can’t go to the appointment with me and hear what the doctor says about all the side effects I experienced and about what our other options are.  I always hate it when he has to miss all the information. 

My plan is to go to my appointment with my questions ready and to be open to hearing everything the doctor has to say, even the parts that I find difficult to hear.  I don’t know if I will be taking Clomid again, or another drug, or if we will be trying something new all together.  I have to go in with an open mind and know that we all have the same goal in the end, and that my doctor is doing his best to help us reach that goal.  

December 28, 2011 – The Clomid Ride

Starting Clomid made for an interesting month.  I say interesting because saying hellish or nightmarish is likely to scare people.  It was not fun.  Not really even a little.  In fact, we are still debating whether or not we will take it again if we were unable to conceive this month.  Here is a run down of how Clomid changed my month…

The first 7 days of my cycle were okay.  There was the embarrassing crying, but really not much else worthy of discussion.  It was very manageable.  Then from day 8 until day 18 was where the real torture began.  Every day, all day, I was nauseous.  Not a little bit, but a lot.  I don’t vomit.  People have a hard time believing this, but I don’t unless I am pregnant.  I think if I had been a normal person, I would have vomited daily for these 10 days.  I was dizzy for no reason and just felt awful every day, all day.  There were also other fun side effects like spots in my vision.  At one point I actually caught myself swatting at what I thought were gnats swarming me… they were just black spots filling my vision.  It was as if someone had taken a picture with a flash that was way too bright.  It is difficult to read, watch TV, do chores, or drive when you have black spots filling up your vision.  Not to mention that constant vision disturbances lead to migraines. 

Fertility days (or the days when we are supposed to be having sex every other day) are from day 11 until day 18.  I told Doc that this was the first time since our early college days that I had sex while nauseous and dizzy.  It was like 2am bar closing sex, only I didn’t get to be drunk or have heard a good band before hand.  Not really as much fun at 33 as it was at 21… The final side effect was the worst, and most difficult to tolerate.  Ovulation.  This was not normal ovulation with a little pinch and done.  No.  This was the Incredible Hulk of ovulations.  It included intense (meaning would normally have driven me to the hospital) abdominal cramping.  The nausea also took this opportunity to increase.  The pain was so intense that my lower back, hips, and abdomen hurt.  It hurt way worse than the worse bladder infection I have ever had.  Imagine having the worst cramps of your life along with the worse bladder infection you can imagine and you are maybe ¾ the way there.  It was impossible to find a position to relieve the pain.  Sitting hurt, laying hurt, standing hurt, moving exponentially increased the pain, using the restroom was painful, sleeping was impossible, and sex was just awful.  I cried and Doc said he didn’t want me to take Clomid again.  That is how awful it was.  Poor Doc had to give me multiple back massages to try and relieve the pain.  It was just awful. 

Here is the sunny side, because you know I have to say it all… by day 19 all symptoms were halved.  By day 20 the side effects were gone and I actually felt amazing.  I don’t know if it was just because it was such a relief to have the side effects gone or if the hormonal changes included this good day, but I felt great.  Of course that was also the day Doc ended up with the stomach flu and I spent the day taking care of him.  J

Yesterday was day 21 and I can’t tell you whether or not the side effects were gone because I caught Doc’s stomach flu, so who knows which problem is causing today’s nausea.  I think it is the stomach flu and that I would be feeling fine without it.  I managed to make it to the doctor’s office for my blood work and am still waiting to hear the results.  I hate the waiting game.  My next appointment is next week and that is when we will find out whether or not we were successful this month.  

We are still debating whether or not we will use Clomid again.  It may partially depend on what the doctor thinks.  I will say that this is not a drug you should take and assume that your life will continue on as normal.  It will not.  You will have side effects and they will limit your daily activities and you will not have total control over your emotions or body.  If you have vacation time to use, I suggest you take off for days 8-18.  Give yourself permission to take those days off and take care of yourself.  I will let you guys know when we decide whether or not it is worth another try.  Thank you to all the people that provided me with support during these awful days.  Friends are a wonderful distraction from troubles!  J

December 19, 2011 – The side effects go on and on…

It turns out that although I only had to take Comid for 5 days, the side effects can last a bit longer.  Side effects can include any number of things, but for me they seem to center around these: nausea, dizziness, and spots in vision, physical symptoms of anxiety, and a few mood swings. 

Needless to say, there have been a few extra prayers going up this month as I hang out on the bathroom floor, “Please don’t make me have to take this drug again.”  I now know why Doc’s colleague refers to Clomid as an evil little drug.  It is evil and I am pretty sure it hates me. 

The side effects can be a bit overwhelming and once again I find myself thankful I am not working.  (I have to wonder if that wasn’t someone’s plan all along.)  I am also so thankful to have Doc as my partner through this.  He responds to me with concern and compassion, and very frequently humor which helps me manage everything better.  I couldn’t ask for anything more.  He really makes an effort to be with me on every step of this journey.  I think a part of him is probably happy that he isn’t the one on the bathroom floor, or lying in bed for an hour after sex, or seeing spots, or having panic symptoms, but at the same time I think he would shoulder this burden if he could.  He does such a good job of acknowledging that it is hard and tries to do his best to make everything he can easier on me in the mean time.  I am a very lucky woman to have his love and support. 

Despite the side effects we have maintained our busy schedule of dinners and appointments.  Last night as we prepared for yet another recruiting dinner, I was feeling a bit irritable and out of sorts.  Doc found this a little funny and also a little scary, because we really did need to entertain people soon.  He kindly asked if I wanted to skip the dinner, which of course was met with hormonal rage.  I was already dressed and still fussing in the mirror; obviously I was planning on going!  I knew by Doc’s expression that he knew this was hormonal, and he also knew that I knew it is hormonal, so what happened next was perfect… Doc looked at me, very seriously, adjusts my sweater and while completely ignoring whatever argument I was starting says, “Your boobs look really good tonight.”  It completely took the wind out of my sails.  How do you pick a fight with that?!?  I say, “thank you” because I couldn’t really think of anything else to say, he totally knocked me off balance with that one. I then watch Doc look down, slowly step to the side and back away from me with the smallest self-satisfied grin on his face.  He knew he just expertly maneuvered a hormonal mind field and he was very pleased with himself.  I started laughing and continued to laugh for the rest of the evening. 

Busy schedule aside, we are managing this situation to the best of our ability.  We are staying on schedule and even having fun again. J Apparently all we needed was the doctor to order us to have fun when we make love.  When side effects rear their ugly heads during dinners or with friends and family we just apologize and explain.  Once again I have found that the benefit of being open and honest about this struggle is that people really are pretty understanding when you give them the chance to be.  J

December 14, 2011 – Clomid Crying: Getting by with a little help from my friends

The 5 days I was on Clomid were some of our busier days.  Doc had holiday parties and recruiting dinners and he really needed me to be at my best.  He was working overnight, coming home to sleep for a couple of hours, and then we would be off to the next event.  There was very little sleep had by all.  To make matters worse, we both have a cold or flu bug.  Under normal conditions, this schedule and situation would have made me a little tense.  On Clomid… I had many episodes of what I call “inappropriate crying”.  It wasn’t that I was sad; if I had been sad it would have been easier to explain.  Instead it was just that any emotion and I mean any emotion, resulted in a session of bawling that lasted approximately 10 minutes.  I watched Our Idiot Brother… cried.  I looked at one of my dogs and thought, “He is a really good dog.”… cried.  Watched Doc shave and he made me laugh… cried.  Watched a video of a baby scaring itself with a fart… laughed so hard I ended up bawling.  Inappropriate crying!

By the time we were leaving for the party, Doc and I had managed to make light of the inappropriate crying and he was even excited to tell people about it.  I am not a public crier, but I quickly realized that feeling embarrassed by the crying only made it worse.  So, I pulled on my big-girl panties and accepted that I was going to cry, I would have no control over how/when it occurred or how long it lasted.  All I could do was accept that it was a part of my current situation and that I could only control how I reacted to it, not how others thought/felt about it.  Everyone at the party was a physician or hospital employee that already knows us and most of them knew we were having fertility issues, so we opted to just be honest about our situation.   

The party went well and I only had 2 episodes of inappropriate crying, that thankfully were very brief and little more than tearing up.  One of the doctors that had also been on Clomid before shared that she had the same side effect.  She said she would walk into a patient’s room to give good news and end up crying.  She refers to Clomid as “an evil little drug”. 

Overall, it wasn’t a terrible side effect and it was over by the next day.  I am thankful that although we were busy, I didn’t have to try and work while I was feeling so off balance.  I am thankful that I had the time to think about the situation, fully process it, and gain some perspective with Doc before I had to face the world crying.  Being open and honest about it was definitely the way to go!  I felt like our friends were supporting us and when I started crying we all just started making jokes about how our table had the most interesting people (the crier, the wino… you know the cool kids).  J

And I found that once again, I can get by with a little help from my friends J

December 9, 2011 – The Clomid Shuffle

My morning started off with a little more stress than I would have liked.  I got a call from my doctor’s office saying that the sonogram tech had called in sick and they would need to reschedule the appointment.  L I have waited nearly a full month for this appointment, my doctor said I needed to get the sonogram within the first 3 days of my cycle starting… today was day 3.  I called and let the scheduler know that this appointment was time sensitive and I would need to be seen today, if not at their clinic, then somewhere else.  No one likes to loose business… they had the nurse call me back within a couple of hours and they squeezed me in with a different tech.  I thanked her profusely.  I love nurses; they are generally a helpful group of people as long as you explain the situation.  It helps that my mom is a nurse, so I am always very nice to nurses. 

Doc is working nights again this weekend, so he was able to come to the appointment.  I am going to be a little gross for a moment as I describe this, so if you turn away from medical shows on TV, feel free to skip this section.  In case anyone doesn’t remember from health class back in the day; day 1 of a woman’s cycle is the day that her period starts.  This appointment takes place on day 3...  The appointment started with the sonogram, an internal sonogram.  For those of you that haven’t had the pleasure, this is a sonogram done from the inside using a magic wand.  I look over at this magic wand and all I can think is that it looks like a very thin dildo.  Doc is in the room for this so of course we begin joking about the magic dildo.  It is larger than a tampon, smaller than a penis, I really don’t know how else to describe it.  It doesn’t really hurt unless they are poking at an already sore spot (such as my left ovary).  So, this lovely young lady comes in and violates me with a magic wand.  I’m given a minute to get dressed (and clean up) before a nurse comes and tells me to come with her… There is nothing more terrifying than a nurse that rushes you from one room to another and says NOTHING!!!  She has my sonogram in her hand and puts me in a regular exam room.  She then tells me to get undressed (again) and wait for the doctor.  Thank God Doc was with me, or I would have been in tears waiting for my doctor.  Instead of worrying and crying, Doc begins telling jokes about the number of pelvics I have had in the last month and trying to calculate the amount of money the doctor makes each time I visit.  We end up laughing about the fact that the equipment to look in ears has dust on it and that every medical problem can apparently be diagnosed with a pelvic.  This is just one of many reasons I love my husband.  He keeps me sane when my imagination could run away with me.  J

My doctor finally comes in and informs us he will not need to do an exam and I can get dressed. J I get dressed and my doctor comes back in to discuss my results.  Everything looked good on the sonogram.  He said small adhesions won’t show on it, but no structural issues were present that would keep us from getting pregnant. J A big sigh of relief!!  He then asks if we had decided we wanted to start the Clomid, because he remembers us being a bit cautious about it.  I explain that after we read more about it we had decided to start it.  And that was that, he gave me a ton of information, a new schedule to live my life by and told me I needed my first dose today.  And that was it!

Our new schedule is a bit rigorous.  I take meds from day 3 until day 7 of my cycle.  We are supposed to have sex from day 11 until day 18 every other day or more (the doctor’s note even says we should try to have fun J).  I am now required to lay on my back for an hour after sex!!!  I'm not sure there is enough Angry Birds for that much time laying around.  I may need to buy a book or two.  On day 21, I come back for blood work to make sure I ovulated and all that jazz.  Then on day 28, I come back for another pelvic, because all of the world’s problems can be solved with a pelvic!  Actually, it is too make sure my ovaries didn’t become overactive and enlarged, which is a real side-effect of the med.  Then we start the dance all over again!  Here is hoping we have good news in the future! J

December 5, 2011 – Routine Maintenance

I have found myself in a waiting period, yet again!  This time I am waiting for my cycle to start so that I can have my sonograms and begin Clomid.  I swear the lesson that is being taught through this is “patience”, but wow do I suck at waiting! 

Doc and I have been asking around to see who has tried Clomid and what kind of side effects we can expect.  Doc found a physician he works with that had taken it to have her first child; she said it made her a “raging bitch”…. That should be interesting!  I’m surprised that they can’t make a fertility drug that has the side effects of super horny and super happy… wouldn’t that be more productive than a fertility drug that makes you super cranky?  Pretty sure that bad moods are not conducive to frequent intimacies. 

While Doc was asking around about Clomid he did get to hear a few stories about people trying.  Apparently we are not the only people with days on the calendar that mark when we should have sex, and we are not the only people who groan on those days.  When we first started trying to have a baby it was exciting and new.  A few months in it became like a second job… six months in and we are figuring out the fastest way to get done so that we can get back to our lives.  This is the sad truth of really trying to get pregnant.  Sadly, the exciting, magnificent, and mind-blowing sex that is present at the beginning of the journey is hard to maintain for the duration.  I mean, if you had your favorite desert every other day for 6 months, would it still be your favorite? 

Life is busy and it is hard to find the time to woo, but it is necessary to maintain our relationship while we are trying.  If we neglect our relationship during this process we will regret it later, when we have children and are supposed to be working as a team again.  We’ve been scheduling regular dates, which seem to help.  Decreasing the amount of time on the computer and smart phones seems to be helping the connection too.  It takes effort to maintain our relationship during this, but it is worth it.  J

November 30, 2011 – The Awesome Doctor

It turns out that my sonogram appointment for tomorrow was lost by the office staff at my doc’s office.  Of course I was upset, because anything that delays us is upsetting, but in the end it worked out.  I called to ask a question about the appointment only to find out they no longer had record of it.  The woman I talked to was rude, and very unhelpful.  Eventually she said she would have someone call me back… 24 hours passed and no one had called me.  I called back and spoke to the office manager regarding everything.  She took care of it very quickly.  I explained that it was concerning that an appointment just disappeared, and she seemed to agree that the whole situation was unacceptable.  I received a call back from the sonogram tech and my question was answered: “yes, it is okay to combine my appointments.”  I was pleased and it was done.

Last night around 9:30 my doctor called, just to check in and make sure my question was answered.  I appreciate that he would do that.  I know he keeps a packed schedule, and taking the time to call me just to make sure my silly little question was answered was very nice.  While I had him on the phone I asked him about those at home ovulation tests and my frustration that my LH surge seemed to be hit or miss on them.   He laughed and said, “those tests seem to cause women the most frustration and drive women crazy.”  YES!!!  They do!  That is why I took the whole month of October away from them!  So ladies, here is what my doctor said.  Have sex every other day if possible during your fertile period.  Don’t worry about those tests.  If you are concerned that you are not getting a “nice ovulation” then ask your doc to run a progesterone check on day 21 of your cycle.  You will only produce progesterone if you ovulated.  He also said that the Clomid would help make sure I had “strong ovulations”.  So, I kind of love my doctor because he made me feel better and less stressed with a 5 minute phone call.  J We’ve got a plan to have me tested on day 21 of my December cycle, so I am not going to worry about those silly, expensive, and stress inducing home ovulation tests any more!

November 17, 2011 – And we are off!

We met with the specialist this evening.  Doc is working nights, so he was able to make the 4pm appointment before his shift.  I’m glad he was there; it was just nice to have the support.  The doctor has me scheduled for an ultrasound in early Dec to make sure there are not visible adhesions from the endometriosis.  If there are adhesions we will need to have surgery to remove them.  If there are no adhesions we will be having another ultrasound on the first day of my next period.  The second ultrasound will check the size of my ovaries.  If all is well, I will then begin a fertility drug called Clomid (Clomiphene).  Clomid will help increase ovulation, which will hopefully help us get pregnant.  The doctor warned us that taking this med will increase our chances of having twins or even triplets.  That is a terrifying thought!! 

The doctor also reminded us that because of the endometriosis we should be aware that we may need to consider IVF, and that it could cost as much as $15,000.  Another terrifying thought!  Overall, it was a quick but productive visit.  I still haven’t fully processed the emotional part of starting fertility treatments.  The doctor warned that the side effects of the med may be a little intense.  Of course today I feel like I can handle anything, but I may feel differently after I start the med.  

Thankfully, Doc was able to attend today and will be able to attend the next ultrasound.  It has just worked out that way.  He may not be able to attend the second ultrasound, just because we won’t be able to plan it, but it is nice that he can at least come to some of the appointments.  The hand-holding is such an important part of feeling ready to deal with this.  Just knowing that we both heard the same information and we are on the same page is nice.  The process just feels a lot less lonely when he is there.  J