February 20, 2013 – Another No

We are not pregnant again this month.  I want off this unmerry-go-round.  I seriously am starting to feel like my life is set on repeat.  Take pills, manage side effects, feel old and exhausted, have sex, get IUI, have sex, sore breasts, nauseated, crazy dreams, negative test, period, broken heart, rinse and repeat.  There are 4 more months of this before we can move on.  I didn’t think I would make it through 6 months of Clomid, but I did.  So I am assuming I will get through this too.  Just keep swimming.  The count down to my 35^th birthday and my impending infertility is also on.  The odds are just not in our favor.  I should probably accept that, but I am just too stubborn. 

So, instead I am trying to focus on the positives.  Here is what I came up this morning when I was done crying because I got my period:

1. Femara induced a good ovulation.  More eggs = better chances
2. Femara kept me much closer to my regular cycle.

That was all I could come up with right now.  This morning I had 3, but I can’t remember the third.  I will keep working on it.  I still have many things to be grateful for, I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.  This self pity is not cool, so I will be making cupcakes for the residents, stopping by to see my dear friend and her cuter than cute little baby girl, signing up for volunteer hours at the hospital, and cleaning my fridge.  If I am still having a pity party after all of that then I guess I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and I will try again tomorrow. 

February 12, 2013 – Miracles

I had the most amazing day today.  At about 9:30 this morning my dear friend called and let me know she had been having contractions since about 3:30.  They were irregular and tolerable, but while on the phone I could tell they were getting more intense.  This is the same dear friend who has held my hand through uncomfortable procedures and has been there for both Doc and I as we faced the last 2 years.  When I found out her husband had gone into work that day and would be in surgery for the morning I asked her if I could come sit with her.  What followed was simply the most healing and amazing day of my life. 

By the time I got to her house she already had a call in to the doctor.  We were just sitting down to watch a movie when the doctor called and asked if we could make it into the office to get her checked.  We were fine with that as it put us in the hospital where the baby would be born and where her husband was working.  From that moment on I spent the day holding my dear friend’s hand and comforting her through her contractions, waiting excitedly with her for this new arrival.  It turns out that those 22 days of contractions last spring taught me a lot about being a woman in labor.  It was all that knowledge that I used to help support and comfort my friend.  To be able to take something that was so difficult for me and turn it into something so amazing and positive was the ultimate healing action for me. 

My friend had become pregnant 4 months after Doc and I had which means we found out her good news when we were still lost in our deepest grief.  In the moment that she shared her news with me I vowed to try and keep the two events separate in my mind so that I could be as happy for her as she deserved and be as excited about her baby as a friend should be.  There were times when it was hard.  Times when it felt like my grief would overwhelm me, but I refused to pull back or give up.  I could tend to my needs in private.  My dear friend deserved to have her friends be excited with her and support her.  I wanted to do everything for her that I would have liked done for me had we been expecting our first baby.  And during the last 9 months our friendship has grown in ways that I didn’t know were possible.  I don’t even really have the right words to describe it. 

After a day of intense bonding she delivered a healthy baby girl.  Doc and I were standing in the hall when we heard her first cry.  I was crying and praying, Doc was reviewing care of new born infants and trying to figure out where to get a gown just in case anything went wrong.  He took 2 steps towards the door looking very serious, but then the little girl gave out a good hearty cry and he retreated.  You can’t take the doctor out of the man, and I love him for caring so much about our friends and their new baby.  We gave the new family some time before we visited.   My friend was the most beautiful I have ever seen her, which is amazing considering how busy her day had been.  As we all gazed lovingly at this new addition my sweet friend looked up at me as if she had just remembered something very important and said, “When do we find out your next test or start your next cycle?”  I laughed and it took me a minute to even remember when we test next or will start a new cycle.  I gave her the update and then Doc asked to check the baby.  We all agreed to switch places in about a year or so and laughed about the amazing and miraculous day we had. 

Four times yesterday I had people ask me if I was okay.  I honestly didn’t understand the question.  I was doing great; I was much more worried about my friend and her baby than about anything going on in my life.  My joy for her had overwhelmed any and all remaining grief for myself.  I was grateful that I was able to provide her support and comfort.  That meant that I had to be grateful for how I obtained the knowledge to do so.  No, that doesn’t mean I am grateful for the miscarriage.  I am sure I could have just as easily had that knowledge from delivering a healthy baby in October, but maybe not.  Maybe I needed 22 days to make it stick so clearly in my mind so that I could have the most amazing bonding experience with my friend.  Maybe it took that to open me up to being so vulnerable with my friend.  Maybe it took that to make me comfortable and calm enough to make it okay for my friend to do the same.  I really don’t know.  All I know is I wouldn’t have traded yesterday for anything.  It was an amazing, wonderful, and miraculously healing day.  It was also a really cool way to welcome another girl into the world. J

Note: I am sorry for the vagueness of details, but I am trying to tell my side of the story without betraying my friend’s story.  That story is hers to tell. 

February 11, 2013 – Positive Change

We have made it to Day 21 on Femara.  For the most part it is a much easier drug to take than Clomid.  I had a few side effects, most notably joint pain which made me feel like I could barely use my hands.  This was very upsetting considering I use my hands all the time!  I couldn’t sew or clean because my hands hurt terribly to grip things for extended periods.  I would end up sitting with my hands very still to be pain free.  Even then I would get the occasional pain in my hands/wrists.  It was like aging 40 years over night.  Thankfully that side effect didn’t last the whole month like many of the Clomid side effects did.  Femara has a much shorter half-life, so there is relief from the side effects towards the end of each month.  With Clomid it just continued to build up in my system and then became ineffective. 

Clomid had also lengthened my cycles to 34 days.  That is a long time when you are used to 29 days.  On Femara I am back to my normal schedule.  That is really nice. 

Finally, we have to compare effectiveness.  Towards the end of my time on Clomid my progesterone levels were in the single digits.  I was getting maybe 1 egg each month, so it wasn’t really increasing my chances of having a good egg available for fertilization each month.  This is my first month on Femara and my progesterone was 23 today, so obviously Femara is working better for me than Clomid was.  Now we just have to keep our fingers crossed that our timing was good and a healthy sperm met a healthy egg and we are currently making a healthy baby.  We should know in about 9 days. 

February 05, 2013 – Positive Surge

I woke up this morning fully ready to go in for a Day 15 sonogram but was surprised to get a positive LH surge test this morning!  That means that on Femara my cycles more closely match my natural cycle.  YAY!!!  Maybe this means my body will get back into a more normal groove. 

The positive surge means I will have my IUI tomorrow morning.  Doc is working and, unfortunately, so is everyone else.  My dear friend who went last time offered to go again, but her baby is due to arrive this month and she needs to work 15 days or she would have to repeat a month of residency.  So, I am going to woman up and go all by myself.  I asked Doc to check and see if he could get off, but I am not expecting that to actually happen.  He isn’t happy about having to miss it again, but I understand he has to work.  He is on a rotation where he is the only pediatrician, so I know they really need him there.  I am going to try and focus my thoughts on how proud I am of him instead of thinking about being by myself.  I can do this.  It isn’t ideal, but that is okay.  In a couple of weeks it really won’t matter that I had to go to this appointment alone.  J

Keep your fingers crossed!  You know we will!